Come Back

Flashes of purple and blue blurred my vision as I starred up above to the sky that has begun to set. Night ready to devour me whole without me ever putting up a fight. All light slowly creeping farther and farther away from me, following the bright ball up in the sky.

I laid on the dock, numb right from the top of my head to the bottom of my feet. I jumped a bit when the cold touch of my own finger wiped away the river of tears that I had successfully stopped a few minutes ago. Slowly, I sat up to stare into the distance of the lake.

This is the one place that makes me feel anything. This beautiful lake that dances with the wind as gusts of air rush past me in the warm evenings. This beautiful place that taunts me with pain. This is the one place I love because it brings me a feeling. The water that is held inside of this lake is the only thing that washes over the darkness so I’m able to pick at pieces of memories I’ve lost so long ago.

I got up, feeling a bit dizzy but ignored that feeling; That feeling meant nothing to me. Glancing at the lake one more time, I bade my farewell and entered the hostile comfort of what I call home.

No one is ever with me anymore. Mom and Dad avoid me as much as they can. They don’t have to say it. Because I know for myself.

Once in a blue moon, they’ll show up on the front porch as I sat motionless starring out the window. They’d walk in, take care of what they needed to and without any word to me, leave alone in the darkness once more. We avoided any possible contact. They didn’t look at me. I didn’t look at them. They never spoke a word to me. I never imagined on doing such a thing. The life that I was able to remember was no longer my life. I was just a girl stuck on the merry-go-round. No way of escaping its grasp on myself. The one person that could put a pause to this cycle was that sweet boy Jason.

He always checked on me, making sure everything was rolling smoothly. He didn’t need to say it either, but I could tell something was wrong with him as well. That boy that I awoke to; Jason was no longer him. For the first couple of seconds in that hospital room, that boy glowed so brightly with joy that I lived off it, amused with the great feeling. That light has slowly dimmed itself as the clock ticked and struck another hour. The smile I pieced together from the stray memories was nowhere in sight.

Even though I missed that boy I awoke to. I can’t help but feel safe around Jason. Although I enjoyed his company, it was always pulled away from me too quickly as he had to leave and return to his own life that didn’t include me. His parents are no longer home either. Both of our parents were lucky and ran away from their problems. From the dead look in Jason’s eyes, I could read that he hasn’t had any luck running from his. Then again, neither have I.

I have nothing to fight. I know something is wrong with me. I know that I’m not the same. I have learned to isolate myself, trying my best not to be a burden to anyone else I’ve ever cared for. I’ve learned to give up on finding joy and light every second I inhale a breath. I’ve learned to understand what I am. I, Olivia Ann Oassay…. I am nothing more than an empty cup. An empty cup waiting for content and purpose to build up inside of me. Until then, I am nothing.