Let Me Go Back To Sleep

After the several failed attempts of trying to get Lynn to get out of the bathroom, Frank finally succeeded to at least have her open the door for him.

“Lynn, sweetie…” Frank said as he saw her standing there. “Come on sweetie,” he added grabbing a tissue paper. “Wipe that out,” he added referring to the tears formed in her eyes. “Here…” he then said trying to do it himself.

“No…” She stepped back, not letting him touch her.

“Lynn sweetie, you should come out,” Frank then stated as Shannon stood outside the bathroom door, watching Frank’s attempt to get Lynn out.

“Why?” She asked looking up at him. Her eyes were red, and her look was close to empty. It was as if, all of a sudden, today being THE day, she had given up on ever trying move on.

“Come on, it’s Mikey’s wedding day! Don’t you want to see him get married?” Frank replied smiling, hoping this would give her a push.

“It’s best if I stay,” she said looking back down to the floor. “I don’t want to be the only one there with no smile on, I don’t want to ruin his day,” she then added moving away from Frank, finding her way back to the bedroom.

“Lynn… it’s 11:30, we’re very late already!” Shannon added following her.

“Just… go…” Lynn replied, throwing herself back on her bed.

“Do you really want Mikey to be disappointed not to see you there? Is that what you want?” Shannon tried to make her feel guilty.

“Just leave me alone!!” She replied again, her face buried in the pillows, her eyes closed. It seemed hopeless.

“You know you will have to get up some time!” Shannon was still trying.

“I don’t deserve to go anywhere! I don’t deserve to be happy! I deserve to be dead!” Lynn repeated.

“It’s one year ago all over again!!” Shannon exclaimed, angrily looking back at Frank.

“Yeah, Lynn… you’re right,” Frank answered as Shannon received the shock.

“What are you doing?!” Shannon whispered to him frowning.

“You know… you can believe what you want to, Lynn,” Frank added stepping closer towards her bed. “But that way you would only be ruining everything that Gerard worked so hard for,” Frank added standing right next to her.

“Please, please go away…” Lynn mumbled, the tone of her voice had clearly changed after what Frank just said.

“You know Gerard wouldn’t have wanted you to do that to yourself,” Frank went on. “If you really want Gerard to be happy, you would stop torturing yourself like that every year, and you would start enjoying your life for a change,” he explained.

She didn’t say anything back to that, but Frank could notice her pulling her arm to where her face was buried, to where her eyes were, wiping away a tear that had rolled out.

“Come on now, straighten up...” Frank said sitting on the edge of her bed, placing one hand on her back. “Mikey is waiting for us,” he added. “Just get up, do it for Mikey,” Frank rubbed her back. “Do it for Gerard,” he then added.

By the time Frank was done, even Shannon couldn’t take it anymore; she had to step out of the room. Lynn, on the other hand, was slightly convinced with what Frank was trying to tell her; Gerard wants her to be happy.

She realized she was being selfish by not going to Mikey’s wedding. She knew that no matter how bad she was feeling, and no matter how much she wanted to just stay away from life itself, she had to pull herself up together. The least that she can do is to be there on Mikey’s big day.

She took a deep breath, trying to gain some strength back… or maybe force some of it back in order for her to pull up, turn to Frank and look him in the eyes.

“So are you okay?” Frank then asked, smiling. She nodded. She wasn’t really okay; she just decided to be stronger than that. That didn’t mean that the feeling of guilt was gone, nor that she wasn’t torturing herself on the inside anymore. She just chose to be strong for now. For Mikey’s wedding. For Gerard.

Getting Lynn out of bed was finally successful. She put on a simple yet chic dress that turned out to look stunning on her. It was a present from Tracey on her birthday, but Lynn had never worn it before since there was never any occasion for it. She didn’t put much effort into her hair since it already flew very elegantly making its way down to her lower back. Her hair was neither straight nor was it too curly. It had the natural yet beautiful shape, and she hadn’t cut it ever since she met Gerard. That was one of the flashbacks she had about him. Him telling her not to cut such a perfectly shaped hair.

Getting ready didn’t take that much time for Lynn, and in the meantime, she was trying to think happy thoughts, trying to stay positive, to keep in mind that this is Mikey’s day, that this is supposed to be a happy day!

They made it to the wedding 10 minutes late, but that was okay. Mikey immediately noticed them walking in, even though they did it quietly. That still drew a smile up on his face. He couldn’t even help but wave at them. Frank and Shannon smiled and waved back, Lynn faked a smile and blew him a kiss. Everything sounded perfect to Mikey.

He was standing there, with the most beautiful lady standing right next to him on the altar. He was tying himself up to the love of his life, to the person that understands him the most. He was going to become Tracey’s husband. She was going to be his forever, and they could both barely wait until the final words were announced: “I now pronounce you husband and wife, you may now kiss the bride.”

It was magical, it was Mikey’s best feeling ever. Everyone was happy for them. Lynn too, of course. She was actually smiling, seeing how Mikey insisted on carrying Tracey all the way out the church, even though he had to suffer through it.

Everyone followed them outside, where Mikey let go of Tracey, partly to catch his breath, and partly to say goodbye to everyone.
The limo was waiting on the bottom of the stairs. An unforgettable honeymoon was waiting for them in Paris.

“Congratulations honey!!” Lynn exclaimed giving Tracey a tight hug through the rush of people around them.

“Thank you so much Lynn!” Tracey replied, expressions joy showing on her face.

“You look stunning! Mikey is so lucky!!” Lynn added. She really was happy for them.

“Awww!” Tracey replied. She was about to say something, but Frank interrupted them.

“OKAY people!” he yelled out. “Picture time!!” He then exclaimed as Mikey grabbed Tracey’s arm and pulled her closer to him.

“Hello there, Mrs. Way!” He said the childish grin on his face.

“Hi hubby!” Tracey replied with the widest beam she could pull.

Lynn stood there, watching them. She was very happy for them. Actually, she had never felt as happy for the past 2 years.

“YOU!” Frank then exclaimed pointing at Lynn.

“What?” She replied, the smile still on her face.

“You’re standing right… here!” Frank pulled her closer to where Shannon was standing, right next to Mikey and Tracey. “Don’t move!” Frank then added. “I will go get the others for the picture!”

Lynn stood there, happy to see everyone so excited, so carefree right now. They were all enjoying the moment. And just as her happiness was about to hit its peak, she felt something missing. Something she seemed to be longing for. Gerard’s presence. Her smile was still there, but part of it had faded away at the thought of him. Why did this have to happen, she kept thinking. Why isn’t he here right now, right next to her, wrapping his arm around her, waiting for the picture to be taken? Why couldn’t life have taken it a bit easier on her? Soon enough, that so called smile had completely disappeared. She had missed him so much. Apart from the fact that guilt was eating her alive, her love for him never died. It actually grew even more each day, and that left a need for her. A need for his presence, his touch, his comforting words. Mikey was standing to her left, so she turned her face to the right so that he wouldn’t notice her sudden sadness.

She tried to take her mind off of that matter, at least for the next couple of seconds, at least for a nice picture to be taken. But everything reminded her of him. That person who was singing in church did. The red roses she was now looking at did; they were his favorite. Even that person’s hair who had just passed by. The long dark kind, it looked just like him from behind, she couldn’t help but stare. Even the suit he was wearing was so Gerard’s style, the way he was walking… she stared even more, following him with her eyes. She was hoping she could get a glimpse of his face. Why was he looking downwards? She then realized, thinking to herself. Does he not want anyone to see him? She asked herself. Why wouldn’t he. She frowned, her eyes still fixed on him. The way he leant on the wall, it looked so familiar. It looked just like a pose Gerard would make, she thought just as her heart started beating faster and faster.

It’s almost as if she wished that person really was Gerard. Could he be? She asked herself, feeling each and every beat her heart was making. I should shake that thought out of my head, I’m crazy to think this way… she then thought, trying to distract her thoughts. Her eyes wouldn’t shift though, she couldn’t help but look at him even more intently. He turned his face a bit, but he was too far for her to see the details. The skin tone was the same though, she thought, her eyes rounding as if she had just discovered a treasure. She made a step forward towards him, but it was unintended, she didn’t even realize she did that. She was still waiting for more signs, as if she had completely lost her mind.

“Oh God,” she mumbled to herself, feeling her heart drop as he ran his hand through his hair, just as Gerard would do. “Gerard…” she mumbled to herself again, making another unintentional step towards him. Should I go there? She thought to herself. Could it be? Could it be my Gerard? She thought, having this cold feeling overwhelming her on the inside and right afterwards a rush of heat covering her body. She started sweating. She wanted to know. What if it was him, what if he was still alive, somehow.

Soon enough, she found herself walking towards him. Just as she was trying to get past the rush of people around her, she noticed him straightening up then starting to walk away.
“No…” She the muttered trying to go faster, bumping into an old man standing in the way. “Gerard…”She almost whispered in her own breath, feeling her eagerness to get to him grow. “Gerard!!” She then exclaimed, trying to raise her voice almost running towards him this time, bumping into more people. He kept walking, going further away from her. “NO!” She exclaimed again. It was as if she had a chance to see him, to feel him again and now she’s losing it. “GERARD!!” She yelled out, uncontrollably pushing people away. “GERARD!” She yelled again, when it became too crowded for her to see him properly. She ran and tried so hard to eventually stop. She was standing right behind a dark long haired person. She didn’t know how she got there but she could barely believe it, it was as if she was dreaming. “Gerard!” She said grabbing his arm to prevent him from walking away. She could barely speak though; she was still trying to catch her breath.

“I’m sorry?” The guy said, turning to look at her. The sudden rush of disappointment struck her so bad she was about to just burst out in tears. That wasn’t Gerard! She thought to herself, looking at his bearded face, frowning.

“Oh God,” she then whispered feeling so lost. “Wait,” she then said, as that guy kept looking at her with confusion. “You’re wearing a grey suit,” she pointed out.

“Can I help you, lady?” The man then asked.

“Gerard, the guy I saw, his suit was black,” she added rounding her eyes to him, gaining hope again. Maybe it was the fake kind of hope, but it was hope, it was something that she could hang on to. That means Gerard is still here somewhere, she started looking around. I have to find him again, she thought to herself. I have to do that as fast as possible, I don’t want to lose him again… no… she went on. “GERARD!!” She yelled out again, looking around. She couldn’t find the figure she was looking for this time, she turned from left to right, tried to scan the whole place but it all went in vain. It drove her crazy.

“LYNN!” Frank yelled out for her, running towards her. He had heard her the first time she yelled out for Gerard and ran after her. “Lynn…!!” He grabbed her arm just as he got to her, preventing her from leaving.

“He was just here, Frank!” Lynn exclaimed. “Gerard was just here!!” She looked him straight in the eyes.

“Come here,” Frank pulled her closer to him, hugging her.

“I swear!!” Lynn went on. “He was… right here… I… I… saw him,” she mumbled, the tone of her voice becoming lower, as tears started forming in her eyes. She couldn’t help it. Her hopes were raised up so high and now it was as if that only left her lost in the middle of nowhere all of a sudden.

“Shhh, it’s okay sweetie, it’s okay…” Frank tried to make her feel better, rubbing her back. He wanted her to stop crying.

“You don’t believe me, do you,” she then pulled away.

“What?” He was surprised at how she could expect him to believe her.

“I really did see him, Frank!! Gerard was here!” Lynn insisted.

“Lynn, please…” Frank tried to reason with her.

“I lost him again…” she started breathing heavily, blaming herself again. “How could I lose him again!” She exclaimed thinking of how she couldn’t catch up with him a minute ago.

“Lynn, he was never here!” Frank exclaimed. “You need to snap out of it!” He grabbed her arms to make her concentrate and grasp what he was about to tell her, “he’s gone, Lynn, he’s gone!”

“NO!” She exclaimed, freeing herself from him. “I know what I saw!” Lynn almost shouted it out.

“What’s going on?” Bob then asked as he caught up with them.

“I think she’s going crazy…” Frank replied, looking at her with worry.