Pain

"Pamala cooking duty... Cas Croat patrol."

Castiel put down the bottle of vodka he was drinking and took his feet down off the table he had them resting on to sit legs almost closed sitting up straight and hands tightly entangled together. Dean knew just by the transition of relaxed to uptight he was going to protest.

"Again? I've been doing that everyday for a goddamn week. I thought we were supposed to be rotating jobs?"

"We are. But I want you to do Croat patrol," Dean snapped already annoyed at Cas even though it was only 6 AM.

"But why is it me that has to do the same thing everyday? Why can't-"

"Cas you're doing Croat watch. End of conversation."

"Yes fearless leader..." Cas whispered kicking his feet back up on the table and grabbed the bottle, taking a long pull from it.

/*/

It was 10 AM when a bottle crashed on the ground. Although it was an early hour Cas was already shitfaced. When he took the last drops of alcohol from the bottle he threw it off of the guard post, plummeting about 25 feet to the ground. What Castiel didn't realized was it almost hit someone. A very important someone to the camp.

Cas stood watching two people have sex in the woods before staggering back over to his watch chair. He pulled a prescription bottle out of his pocket and took 4. He was getting more resistant to the Oxycontin now.

Pulling his sagging eyes open with his thumb and index fingers of both hands he didn't realize Dean was standing in front of him. He just stood there waiting for Cas to defend himself. When he didn't Dean felt a little more guilty inside, not that anyone would know. It was his fault Cas cared less and less each day.

"Whats our leader doing up here with me? Reliving old times are we? I thought you didn't want anything to do with me anymore-"

"Shut up. That is not what I came up here for. Why the fuck did you try hitting me with a bottle? And seriously? Drunk and now popping pills. Do you realize it's only 10?" Dean said with no hint of disappointment or any other emotion in his voice.

"I am fully aware at what time it is. And that I am wasted." Cas laughed.

"This isn't funny!" Dean cracked and showed the only emotion left in him- anger, "You are on patrol. At this rate you'll be passed out by noon and we'll all be dead because our patrolman is too drunk to warn us of croatoans invading the camp."

"Stop being melodramatic Dean. Want me to calm you down?" Cas put one hand between Deans legs.

"Do not touch me! Don't you touch me! Get your ass away from me. I'll patrol today but if I catch you drinking or doing any drug on the job again I'll make you do every other job in one day by yourself."

Cas didn't make a move to climb down the ladder. He just stood staring into Deans eyes. He could remember when those eyes were electrical and flashed with his moods, like lightening. But now there was nothing. They were dead.

"What are you doing? Get!" Dean commanded.

Castiel turned and sulked slowly down the unsteady ladder. He wasn't as obedient as he used to be, or followed orders as blindly as Dean did when his father was alive, but Cas still always did what Dean said. It wasn't always without question but the order got done. Dean certainly was no god, but to Cas he was the closest thing and in this time of darkness he needed something to give him direction; that thing was Dean. Even if Dean hated him.

/*/

Dean would have been pissed to know that instead of going to his cabin like a little boy in time out, Cas was instead sitting in the beat up Impala. The '67 Chevy was one of the many things Dean used to have a great love for. Along with his mother, father, Sam, apple pie, bacon cheeseburgers, women, Metallica, and even Castiel. Now each and every one of those loves were abandoned.

Trying to remember the old Dean Cas turned on the old hunk of junk and played one of Deans Metallica tapes. A song he didn't know played and he intently listened. The words to the song almost made him choke.

Born to push you around,
Better just stay down.
You pull away,
He hits the flesh,
You hit the ground.

Mouth so full of lies,
Tend to black your eyes.
Just keep them closed,
Keep praying,
Just keep waiting.

Waiting for the one
The day that never comes
When you stand up and feel the warmth
But the sunshine never comes

No the sun shine never comes.

Push you cross that line,
Just stay down this time.
Hide in yourself,
Crawl in yourself,
You'll have your time.

God I'll make them pay,
Take it back one day.
I'll end this day,
I'll splatter color on this gray.

Waiting for the one
The day that never comes
When you stand up and feel the warmth
But the sunshine never comes

Love is a four letter word
And never spoken here

Love is a four letter word
Here in this prison
I suffer this no longer
I'll put an end to,
This I swear
This I swear
The sun will shine
This I swear
This I swear
This I SWEAR!

Everything in the song made sense to him except in it song there was hope. In reality there was none left. It was describing the war they were going through and how they just wanted a normal peaceful day to come back. They just wanted it to end.

Castiel turned off the car. He didn't understand why Dean used to like listening to music so much. He didn't know about Dean, but it sure made him feel things he didn't want to. At that moment Cas realized why Dean was the way he was then. He lost all ties with things that made him "weak" as he would call it. Like that day Dean decided it was best for him and Sam not to see each other anymore. Dean thought they made each other weak, but it didn't. They were stronger together. Them apart was like a heart and a body separated. It just didn't work.

And that was why Sam said yes.

Dean slowly let go of being human there on out.

/*/

You're worthless," Dean spit. At first Castiel thought he was dreaming. How could Dean hate him? They've been through so much together. But when he realized he was not sleeping he was confused and hurt.

"What? What did I do?" Castiel begged.

"Everything. All this is your fault. If I never worked for you angels this wouldn't have happened. You made me think there was always another option, that I didn't have to say yes. And if you didn't drag me out of hell I wouldn't have to witness any of this. Hell was where I belonged you should have left me there. And now if I die all these people will die because no one else can run this camp."

Dean walked away from Cas then, shoving off Cas's hand that tried to stop him.

That was two years before, but Castiel still has dreams about that day, and he still didn't know why Dean hated him, what he did to deserve that.

It was crystal clear Dean couldn't stand him even though he did so much for him. He got ripped from his vessel and felt the wrath of heaven, he rebelled, died multiple times and came back, became human and got beaten, bruised, neglected and mentally abused. Dean hated him even though Cas did so much for him. But no matter how much Dean put him through he just couldn't hate him. He tried like hell to act like it, but he wasn't sure if Dean bought it.

He had a feeling he wouldn't be able to go back to bed on his own so he took sleeping pills to ease his mind and go back to bed. An hour later he was out.

Dean knocked on Castiel's cabin door to let him know dinner was done. When he saw Cas passed out he wanted to smile, but he hadn't in such a long time he imagined it to come out as a frown. Seeing Castiel sleeping was the one thing that was still peaceful. Him awake was a whole different story. The only thing alive left in Castiel was his hunger for drugs, his thirst for alcohol, and his jet black hair. Dean wanted to pry open his sleeping eyes to see the now gone innocence.

"Cas..." Dean whispered shaking him until he got frustrated then yelled, "Cas!"

He jumped awake and grabbed his gun in surprise.

"Croats?! Where?" He asked and jumped to his feet.

"No where. It's time for dinner," Dean kept a straight face where the old one would have laughed. Castiel nodded and Dean left to go eat himself. In that instant Cas jumped awake the peaceful Cas was gone.