The Blood From My Wrists

My final goodbyes are not something that I can give with ease. I’ll have a hard time telling you all why I have to do this. Why it absolutely must be with way. And I know that none of you will ever understand, because I know that none of you have ever cared. And I know that none of you will ever care.

First, I must start with this. Not a personal goodbye, simply the generic I’m gone and this is why. For so long I tried, I tried and I tried to be what you needed me to be. I tried to be pretty enough, thin enough, smart enough, perfect enough for all of you. Now I cannot try anymore. Now this is over, now I am gone. So look at me now, and take the blood from my wrists, and the weight from my hips, and know what you have done. Know that I was so broken by everything you all said, by everything you ever told me about how if I was this or that, I’d be better! Know that because of you, I am worthless and I cannot bear to burden any of you anymore.

Mother, darling mother. I know I was never the daughter you hoped for. Never the straight A pretty thin beauty queen you needed me to be. I’m sorry I couldn’t ever do that for you, and now I hope that you will know that I loved you while I was on this earth, and I’ve bled these wounds for you. So that you may be free of me and all the pain and misery. Because I love you enough to let you be happy and not have to worry about me anymore. Although, I am sorry that you will no longer have you maid around to make these things better for you. To keep your house looking good for your friends, for your company and the people that you did love. The people that I was always hidden away from. The people that I never found a place in. I’m sorry I didn’t fit into your perfect world. Now I will leave and not tarnish your good surroundings anymore.

Father, I know you tried to love me for what I was, and I know that you did in your own way. But I was never what you needed either. You, always wanting a son that I could never be. I never liked sports, and I never wanted to work on cars or mow the lawn. I was never a boy, and I know that hurt you more than words. Now maybe with me gone, mother will allow for the perfect little boy you’ve always dreamed of. I remember a time, many years ago when I cut off my hair for you, put on baggy dark clothes for you and offered to go out and play baseball, so that maybe for one day I could be your son. But all I got was a rude comment about how I looked like a dyke and that you wouldn’t ever see me in the same light again. But I am finally giving up, and you will never have to lay eyes on your useless ugly daughter ever again.

Jane, oh Jane what a wonderful friend you were for so long, and miss you I will. But I have for so very long now, it won’t be anything new. Because wherever my soul ends, I will not be any closer to you than I am now. All because of one simple boy, that found you so pretty and needed, I was never anything anymore. I was just left behind, as your fat ugly friend that your boyfriend wouldn’t be seen in public with. I always thought you’d stand by me forever, I always hoped you’d be the one that kept me together, when my parents both failed to love me and I had nothing left. I hope now, you will remember that I gave you everything I ever had, and you turned me away. I don’t blame you, I cannot blame you Jane, because how could I place blame on your for my not being worthy of such a perfect friend. I hope that you will love and live forever and never regret anything in your life. I will make that simple for you now, and I am erasing myself from your past and your present.

James, how I will never forgive you for taking away my Jane! For taking the one person that loved me and turning her against me and leaving me alone. Treating me like a freak, just because my clothes were dark and my face wasn’t perfect enough for you. God forbid you drop your ego just a little bit. Now you will be pleased I am sure, because now that I am dead I will not burden you anymore!

My final goodbye, to my darling sweet Rufus. Such a sweet dog you were, the only love I ever had, the only thing that loved me for me. You weren’t just my pet darling Rufus, you were my heart my soul and everything I ever needed for so very long. But now you are up there in the heavens, a car you chased caught you instead and I won’t ever forget how I felt that night when I went to bed. Because now there is nothing left, you were taken from me and I was alone. And you were the only one that ever felt like I was good enough for you. I won’t ever forget you my lovely little boy, and I hope that god will have enough mercy to let me be with you again.

Any of you that are surprised, shouldn’t be. I’ve been on this path for some time now, and I finally got the courage and the strength to just let everything go. To let you all be free. To just close these eyes and cut these wounds deeper than the rest. To let myself bleed out until there is nothing left, and I hope as you all read this tear stained goodbye you will understand that I couldn’t let it go on anymore. Because I am nothing, I am so unbearably insignificant and useless that I can’t curse you all with my presence ever again. I did love you, all of you and I will for eternity. But I can’t stay in a world where I am over looked by everything, when nothing I do matches up to what everybody I love needs. I am doing this for all of you, so that you will all know that I loved you enough to not force you to love me back. So now, as I pour out the pills I must end this here, because going on will do nobody any good. My love for you all is my motivation. My feeling of inadequacy and utter uselessness is my reason. My method is this blood that pours from my wrists in fountains, staining this goodbye and a bottle of sleeping pills just in case. This is all I have left to give, is my demise and this last goodbye.

-Kimberly