Time to Change

”I just feel like we never talk anymore.”

Alex sighed as Lisa whined to him on the phone. And, okay, her voice wasn't even whiny to begin with. Maybe he was imagining it, he didn't know. All he knew for sure was that she was really starting to annoy him. “Lisa. We talk every day.”

”No, we leave voicemails every day. You call when I'm busy—“

“At least I call,” Alex interrupted dryly.

Lisa sighed. ”You know my schedule, Alex.”

“Well, I'm sorry I'm busy, Lisa.”

”I don't want you to be sorry, Alex.”

“Then what the fuck do you want?” he asked, trying to keep his voice down. His band mates were still sleeping and he didn't want this conversation to wake them up. “Do you want me to apologize for being successful and touring? Do you want me to cancel interviews and promos and photo shoots so I can call you more frequently?” Okay, maybe he was being dramatic but he really didn't know what she expected.

”I bet you find the time to call Eli.”

And even though her voice was low, he understood her perfectly. “What did you say?”

”Nothing.”

He frowned. “Don't you dare bring Eli into this, Lisa,” he warned her. “You know she's my best friend.”

”Do you talk to her every day?”

Alex sighed. “What does that even have to do with anything?”

”So you do.”

Alex might have been many things, but he was not a liar. “Yes.”

”And you can't find five minutes to call me after a show? We've been dating for four years, Alex.”

“I know,” he said weakly. And if he were being honest, he just didn't want to fight anymore. They had this fight at least once a week—but usually three to four times—and he was sick of it. It was so repetitive, he didn't have the energy for it. But Lisa was right—he didn't find time for her. And the worst part was, he didn't feel bad about it.

”Are you in love with her?”

Alex didn't reply because he didn't know the answer. And maybe that was a lie; maybe he had known all along. Maybe he just didn't want to admit it to himself.

”I knew it all along, Alex.”

“I'm not in love with her.” But even as he said those words, they tasted bitter in his mouth and his brain called him a liar.

”Yes, you are. Don't waste your time denying it, Alex. I've spent the last four years telling myself you weren't.”

He knew he really didn't have a right to be upset with her. Maybe he was only angry because he didn't want someone telling him how he felt. Maybe he was mad because he couldn't make himself not love Eli. “Then why the fuck did you stay with me for so long if you were so sure I was in love with someone else?”

”Maybe because I thought I could change your mind, as foolish as it sounds. Maybe because I wasn't ready to give up on you.”

“And you're ready to give up on me now?”

”Does she love you too?”

Alex felt his stomach twist and he kept his gaze locked on the top of his bunk. “No.”

”Then she's an idiot.”

“Or maybe she's smart enough to detach herself from someone that can hurt her,” he mused, more to himself than to Lisa.

”You don't intentionally hurt people, Alex. That just isn't who you are. People get hurt, it happens, you know?”

“I don't want to hurt her. I have before and I can't put her through that again. She doesn't deserve it.” Alex ran a hand over his hair; he didn't miss the sadness in her tone or the lengthy pauses between her replies. “I don't want you to hate me, Lisa. But I understand if you do.”

”I don't hate you, Alex. I just wish you were in love with me.”

“Lisa—“ Even though he wasn't in love with Lisa, he did care about her, and his heart almost broke when he heard her choke back her tears. “I'm sorry.”

”I have to go.”

He held the phone away from his head for a minute after she hung up before he tossed it to the end of his bunk. He climbed out of the bunk slowly, pulling on a beanie and some jeans, and he walked towards the front of the bus. He stumbled slightly when he saw Lauren was already awake and he felt his stomach drop—he really hoped she hadn't heard any of that conversation.

“Morning, Lex,” Lauren greeted him unenthusiastically, eyes glued to the TV.

Alex frowned. “What the fuck are you watching?”

“Big Time Rush.”

“I'd be lying if I was I was surprised,” he muttered, turning towards the cabinets.

“Did you and Lisa finally break up?”

Alex dropped the coffee canister in his hands, cringing when it hit the floor with a loud bang.

“Don't be such a butterfingers,” she said, finally looking away from the TV to glance back at Alex.

“Sorry,” he muttered, picking it up and proceeding to make himself a pot of coffee. He watched the pot brew in order to avoid Lauren's eyes; she was staring him down from her spot on the couch.

“Well...?” she prompted.

“Well water has no fluoride in it,” he told her. And, yes, it was a very bad attempt at a subject change—he was well aware of that.

“Don't be a douche,” Lauren said, standing up and walking over to the tiny kitchenette. “She finally called you out, didn't she?”

“Are you high?” Alex asked her, crossing his arms over his chest.

Lauren scoffed. “I am not stoned.”

“Then what are you even talking about?”

She sighed. “Don't be an idiot. Lisa finally called you out on the fact that you're heels over head in love with Eli.”

“Was there a question in there?” he asked after a pause.

“It was implied,” she said with a careless shrug.

“It sounded more like a statement.”

“Okay, grammar whore. Can you confirm or deny?” she asked.

Alex turned away from her so he could pour himself a cup of coffee, mixing in the appropriate amount of sugar and cream (more sugar, less cream) before he took a tentative sip. “Are we at the venue?”

“Yes.”

“Good.” He took another sip of his coffee before setting it down on the counter and walking back to his bunk. He pulled on a Glamour Kills hoodie, his Vans (without socks), and his keys, hooking them on his belt loop. After a brief second of hesitation, he grabbed his phone from the end of his bunk and slid it into his pocket. He walked out past Lauren, grabbing his mug of coffee, before walking off of the bus.

It was barely ten in the morning and he was very thankful for the silence in the parking lot. He could see the roadies and techs unloading everything and setting it all up for the show that would be in eight hours, but he still felt alone. He enjoyed that. He needed time to think. He didn't get a lot of that on the bus. He took another drink of his coffee before he set it on the concrete, sitting down next to it, and he pulled his phone out of his pocket. He toyed with it for a minute, debating on whether not he should call Eli, when her name suddenly appeared on his screen as an incoming call. He glanced around for a minute, making sure he was alone, before he answered.

”You're actually awake before ten? I'm surprised.”

“Don't get used to it. It's a one-time thing,” he assured her.

”Just wondering—were you woken up at the crack of dawn by your psychotic girlfriend calling you and saying that it was your fault her relationship was falling apart? Or was that just me who got that wonderful wake up call?”

Alex groaned, running a hand over his face. “Tell me you're kidding.”

”Can't. That would be a lie. What the fuck happened? Did you guys break up?”

“Did she say we broke up?” he asked, suddenly nervous as to what Lisa was ranting about this time.

”It was more implied than anything.”

“Oh.”

”That's all? 'Oh?' I want some sort of explanation, Alex.”

“Why? Lisa's crazy, just ignore her.”

”Like you do?”

Okay,Alex cringed; that was a low blow.

”When someone calls me at seven am, blaming me, I would like to know why,” she explained, her voice softer. ”What's going on with you two?”

“I feel like we're in the process of breaking up,” Alex told her. And for a while, he could pretend that his heart didn't ache whenever they spoke. And, maybe, he could pretend that he wasn't completely in love with her.

”Oh, Lex, I'm sorry.”

Alex shrugged. “I mean, it happens, right?”

”Yeah...” Eli said, trailing off. ”Does she really think we're sleeping together?”

“Not exactly,” he answered cryptically. He could see her roll her eyes just as clearly as he heard her sigh on the other end of the phone.

”Then how is it my fault?”

Alex shook his head. “Can we. Can we just talk about this when I come to see you? It's not exactly a phone conversation,” he told her.

Eli sighed. ”I guess. Just...call me if you need me, you know?”

Alex nodded. “Always. I'll talk to you later; I gotta go.”

For the first time during their friendship, he hung up without even saying goodbye.

+

Eli swore quietly as Alex hung up on her—he always said goodbye. She told herself that instead of being angry with him, she should be worried. Alex rarely sounded upset—and just then he sounded absolutely dejected. Alex always had some sort of joke or a witticism to share—yet he sounded as if smiling itself was a chore. And Alex always said goodbye—usually mixed in with some sexual innuendo.

But not this time.

She set her phone on the night stand before climbing out of bed. She didn't know what Alex wanted to talk with her about but she knew it had to be important. She was actually relieved that he would be in town at the end of the week—because Friday also signified the end of her college career (at least thus far) and only one week until graduation. She wasn't sure which event made her happier.

Okay, it was Alex.

It was always Alex.

As she climbed into the shower, she quizzed herself on all of the terms she had to know for her political science exam that she had in a little over an hour. She kept running through the material as she dried her hair, did her make-up, and got dressed. Her messenger bag was already filled—she just grabbed her keys and phone before heading out the door.

She flew through the exam, relatively confident that she did an okay job. Not that she really cared—either way she was going to graduate at least magna cum laude so she was happy. She was in the middle of of sending Alex a text message when her phone started ringing. Her stomach dropped when she saw James' name as she was instantly reminded that she was beyond late for their lunch date.

"I am so, so sorry," she said, instead of answering with the standard 'hello.'

"It's okay, babe. I was just wondering where you were."

"I just left my poli sci exam. I am on my way," she told him, abruptly changing her direction so she would get to the restaurant quicker.

"How was your exam?"

"I kicked it and made it my bitch," she said.

He laughed. "I've never heard you say that before."

"Sorry, I just...made it up," she said awkwardly, slightly out of breath as she picked up her pace. She was almost there.

"It's okay."

"I'll be there in, like, ten minutes," she promised.

"See you then."