Time to Change

“Am I boring you?”

Eli looked up from her mug of hot chocolate, meeting James' eyes. She instantly felt bad for ignoring him—although, okay, it was more her not paying attention than outright ignoring him. Same thing, apparently. “I'm sorry. I'm just a little out of it.”

“Out late after the concert?” he joked before taking a sip of his coffee.

“You could say that,” she muttered. She tried not to think about Alex—his lips on hers, his hands on her body, how she melted under his touch—but she failed. She had thought about him all night and barely slept.

“Maybe brunch would have been a better idea,” James said, smiling.

Eli forced a quiet laugh. “Maybe.”

James motioned for the check, handing his card over to the waitress. “Did you at least have fun?”

“Yes, it's always great seeing all my old friends.”

“Alex seems...nice,” James commented.

Eli looked up at him, her eyes narrowing. It was the first time James had brought him up and she could only hope that he would remain civil. Of course she knew James would—it wasn't in his repertoire to be particularly rude. Alex, on the other hand... “Alex is...an acquired taste,” she told him. “I hated him when I first met him. And continued to hate him for months after that.”

James laughed softly. “What made you stop hating him?”

Eli shrugged. “We've been through a lot of the same situations. We helped each other through it. He's been my rock since senior year,” she explained. And she knew that she was being vague. She just wasn't sure if she was ready to reveal that part of her life to someone. Then again, James had given her no reason not to trust him.

“What happened? If you don't mind my asking, of course,” James added quickly.

She paused for a minute, weighing the options. She hadn't opened up to James about anything yet—and she didn't want him to get annoyed because of it. But at the same time, feeling vulnerable was what she detested more than anything.

“You don't have to tell me if you don't want to,” he assured her. “I just want you to feel comfortable talking to me.”

Eli didn't miss the flash of hurt in his eyes, and she slid her hand across the table to grab his. She tried to ignore the voice in her head that compared him to Alex, but she couldn't ignore the fact that he just felt different. “It's just hard because I haven't talked about it in a while.”

“You don't have to—“

“But I want to—“

“Are you sure?”

“Relatively,” she answered honestly, a small smile on her face.

James sent her a reassuring smile, squeezing her hand.

“In my senior year of high school, my brother killed himself,” she told him, sucking in a deep breath.

“Why?” James paused then slapped himself on the forehead. “I shouldn't have asked that, I'm sorry.”

“No, it's okay,” she said, even though it wasn't. She could feel the hole in her chest start to reopen and it kind of made her want to throw up a little. “And when I find out, I'll let you know.”

“I'm so sorry,” he said quietly. “That must have been incredibly difficult.”

“It was. I've barely spoken to my mother since it happened. I just have nothing to say to her. She was so...carefree about all of it. She never even took a day off of work,” Eli muttered.

“What about your dad?”

Eli's jaw clenched, withdrawing her hand from James'. “He left years before.”

“Vanished out of thin air?”

“Something like that. But, um, Alex had to deal with his own brother's death as well. So we got forced together in some project about coping and communication and shit. It sucked at first because we both hated it. And he wouldn't tell me anything—it took him at least two months to open up. So I was bitter because my grade was riding on it. But then we just realized how similar we are and...the rest is history,” she explained.

“And you've been best friends ever since?” he asked.

“Yup.”

James smiled as the waitress walked back over. He slid his card into his wallet before leaving a check. “Are you tired?”

“Very.”

He laughed. “I'll take you home so you can get some rest.”

“Thank you.”

+

Alex didn't sleep that night either. Every time he closed his eyes, he would see Eli's face. It was torture, a sweet torture. He had come so close to telling her and he hated himself for being relieved when he didn't get the chance. He was scared—he would never admit it out loud but he was. Yet, he wasn't as scared to kiss her; no, that part had always come easy. In fact, it was the not being able to kiss her whenever he wanted that scared him the most.

But she had rejected him.

Well, okay, he hadn't exactly said it with his big boy words, but he had basically said that he wanted her. And, okay, “wanting” and “love” were not exactly synonymous. He knew that. But she had ended up pushing him away. It didn't matter to him that she had pulled him closer, or that she had held him as if she refused to let him go. The end result was the same—she pushed him away.

And maybe it was because he had never been rejected before, but he had no idea that anything could hurt so badly. It wasn't a white-hot pain like he felt after Daniel, one that would never fade entirely. It was a dull, mind-numbing pain that was starting to manifest itself physically.

He had ignored the fact that they all had hotel rooms for the night and opted to stay on the bus. He really just wanted to escape the endless questioning. Instead, he stayed up all night, staring out the bus window at the city that Eli called 'home.' He could live in L.A. Sure, he'd miss his parents, but that's what holidays were for. He would drop everything and move if Eli asked him to do so.

“Did you get any sleep at all?”

Alex winced as a pillow hit his chest and he looked up to see Rian standing above him. “What?”

Rian didn't bother rolling his eyes or any other sarcastic gesture that Jack would have done. “Did you get any sleep?” he asked again, his voice softer.

“No,” Alex said, looking back out the window. He was more than a little distracted.

“Is there anything I can do?”

Alex shook her head. “Not unless you can make Eli love me back.”

“Putting The Spill Canvas reference aside, how can you be so sure that she doesn't?” Rian asked.

“She didn't say she did.”

“Did you ask her? Did you even tell her how you feel?”

Alex shook his head again.

“Then maybe she does,” Rian said hopefully.

Alex scoffed. “I doubt it. She picked James over me. I shouldn't even be surprised.”

Rian let out a soft sigh. “She didn't pick—“

“Yes, she did,” Alex interrupted, his voice harsh. “And I don't want to talk about it anymore, okay?”

“Okay,” Rian agreed. “I'll leave it alone.”

Alex didn't even say thank you; in fact, he didn't say anything at all. He just pulled his beanie over his eyes and lay down on the couch, hoping he might be able to get a few hours of sleep.

And when he woke up hours later, he only had one missed text message.

I'm sorry. I wanted to come say goodbye but Lauren said it would be a bad idea. I miss you already. Don't let this hurt our friendship. You're the bread to my butter. <3

He wanted to say he didn't smile when he saw it.

But that would've been a lie.

+

Eli checked her phone every five minutes. And probably more than that. She doubted Alex would text her back but she still had hope. For the rest of Sunday night, she didn't leave her apartment. She sat in front of her couch, watching God-knows-what on television, and obsessively checking her phone. Of course, she could lie and say that she was checking the time, but she wasn't.

Her laptop was open in front of her as she started her job search. Graduation was in one week and she had to find a job. There was no way she could model for the rest of her life—and, honestly, she didn't want to. It paid the bills, it helped her pay for college, she had a good amount of savings, but she really did want a career.

She applied for every newspaper and magazine in the area, thankful for her degree in journalism. After senior year when she had to write the report with (and on) Alex, her passion for writing had developed. It was a lot easier for her to get her point across through the written word than anything else. And she was still hopeful even in harsh economic times. She had printed out fifty copies of her resume and was convinced that she could use more. She also emailed her resume to about twenty online blogs and magazines that might be interested in hiring her.

After over five hours of research and sealing envelopes, her heart nearly jumped out of her chest when she heard her iPhone ring. She reached for it, hoping to see Alex's name and image across the front, and sighed when she saw it was Lauren. And it wasn't that she didn't want to talk to Lauren, of course she did, but she was still secretly hoping it was Alex.

“Hey, girl,” she greeted.

”Don't sound so happy to talk to me.”

“I'm sorry.”

”Thought it was Alex?”

“Hoping,” Eli admitted. “Did he get my text message?”

”I'm not sure. He's been sleeping most of the day. I guess he didn't sleep well last night.”

“Huh,” she mused, scratching at the back of her neck.

”What happened with you two? Both of you have been acting weird for a while.”

“I don't know,” Eli said, shrugging. “After the concert, we went to talk. Friday night, we got into a fight and he kissed me. And we ignored it. And after the concert, we talked again and he...kissed me again.”

”Oh my God!”

Eli sighed, rolling her eyes.

”How was it?!”

Eli felt herself laugh. “Same as the first time.”

”Don't lie.”

“It was... No, no, it was nothing. I have James,” Eli reminded more herself than Lauren.

”I mean, you kissed Alex, though.”

“Don't say it so loud! I don't want everyone to hear!”

”Maybe you shouldn't be with James.”

Eli sighed. “I'm getting tired of people telling me that,” she muttered.

”Hon, maybe it everyone's saying it, there's a reason. You know how you feel about Alex, that hasn't changed since high school. Maybe you're just trying to avoid those feelings because you don't know how he feels.”

Eli frowned. “I don't like where this conversation is going.”

”I thought as much. I just wanted to call and say hi.”

“Hi.”

”It's late so I'll let you get to bed.”

“It's barely eleven,” Eli told her.

Lauren paused. ”Okay, in other words, Jack and I are going to go bone. So I'll talk to you later.”

Eli laughed. “Okay. Bye, girl.”

”Love you!”

“Love you, too.”

And as Eli hung up her phone, setting it on the table, she might have realized that Lauren was right.

But only just slightly.