Little Secrets
2
I nibbled on an apple while the rest of my friends ate today’s school lunch of mashed potatoes and those little steak type things. I had no idea what they were really, but I loved them and missed them. Stupid diets. I sighed and forced myself to enjoy my apple, yum.
“Why don’t you get a real lunch?” Ashley asked me, running a hand through her brunette hair.
I shrugged. “I’m on a diet.” I mumbled, shooting her a look. She knew I was on a diet but like to keep bringing up why I was on a diet all the god damn time. She was skinny and pretty, she wouldn’t understand.
“That’s stupid. Jesus Lisa, you are beautiful there is no reason for you to diet!” Jasmine interjected.
Nicole and Janus both nodded eagerly at me.
I shook my head. They were all pretty, couldn’t they just see I wanted to be like them? I wanted to be as beautiful and thin and without anyone passing judgment on my weight.
“Why are you dieting? Seriously.” Nicole asked eyeing me.
My other three friends stared at me waiting for me to answer as if I was going to tell them the real reason to my dieting. I always told them it was for my health and that I wanted to look good come Prom. Prom was only a month away and I probably wasn’t going because I looked gross in a dress, but it was an excuse they have come to except somewhat.
I sighed, tried to act like I was defeated and looked at them and didn’t avoid their eyes, “I told you before, I want to look amazing for prom. Prom is supposed to be the night for everything and everyone. And I am trying to make it my night and make it absolutely perfect.”
Janus nodded, seeming to understand what I was saying to the four of them. “I get that, but you don’t need to go on a death diet. You have already lost a lot of weight, it’s noticeable. Don’t you think that it is time to stop dieting and just maintain this weight? You look amazing already.”
She didn’t get me either. She was supposed to be the understanding one of this group. Besides, there were supposed to say things like that they were my friends. Best friends were supposed to tell you that you look beautiful and amazing, even when you didn’t.
“Whatever. Nothing is wrong, so don’t worry OK?” The bell rang signaling safety and the end of our conversation. I breathed a sigh of relief, “Now if you will excuse me.” I stood and left the table, throwing my half eaten apple into the garbage.
Before going to my next class I stopped by my locker and was less than surprised when Nicole showed up next to me, one eyebrow raised.
“What?” I asked slightly annoyed that no one would let this drop. It wasn’t a big deal!
She hesitated before she spoke, “Is this about Logan, Lisa?” Now I knew why there was hesitation.
My heart stopped beating and a cold sweat began to form. His name brought back so many painful memories for me. So bad I specifically told the girls not to use his name, without mentioning any other reason than it bringing up the harsh rejection I was subjected to. But that wasn’t the real reason, only Nicole and I knew that.
“You can tell me, Lisa.” Nicole looked at me and pulled me into a hug that I gladly accepted. She couldn’t make me feel completely better because she could never make me pretty, skinny, or worth something. I had a feeling only Logan might have been able to do such a thing or another boy. But that was unlikely to happen.
The late bell rang and we pulled apart, “Meet me after school.” Nicole told me as she rushed off to her class. I watched her leave, searching through her bag for what looked like to make sure she had everything before turning the corner.
I, on the other hand, handed toward the bathroom to skip this hour. It wasn’t like we were going to do anything in Music Appreciation anyway. Why bother sitting in there with pretty girls and guys that made me feel embarrassed to be in their because I wasn’t as pretty as any of them and no one would think twice about looking my way.
Huddling in the bathroom stall I played my mp3 as I caught up on my English. I hadn’t cared enough recently to actually care about English. But why not do something while I was stuck doing nothing for an hour?
I met Nicole after school and she took me to her house to hang out, giving each other funky make-up jobs for hours on end before I went home. It was to try to rid myself of my worries, but it only made me freak out more about how gross I was, until I put all that make-up on myself and imagined myself 16 pounds lighter.
Getting home was a challenge. Due to the lack of food today I was a bit dizzy and lightheaded. Normally I would eat something small throughout the day but the pancakes in cooking made me feel fat even though I didn’t eat any, and I was distracted with arguing with my friends to eat my apple that would have held me over until I got home and ate another apple.
But now here I was tripping over my own feet in the heat. I cursed myself and tried to stay in the shade as much as I could as I stumbled home.
I clutched onto a tree for support as I stopped, taking a momentary brake. I couldn’t let myself faint. No one would help me if I didn’t and even if they did I didn’t want their help, walking home provided myself with exercise. Exercise burnt the fat off my body so I had to keep going.
Taking in a deep breath and gathering my strength I walked on.
My head was pounding and I could feel the sweat beginning to drip from my forehead. I bit my lower lip and leaned forward and saw the edges of my vision start to go black. No! My brain screamed at me. I couldn’t fall and pass out. Not right now.
The last thing I remember was the ground getting closer to my face. Of course this would happen.
“Why don’t you get a real lunch?” Ashley asked me, running a hand through her brunette hair.
I shrugged. “I’m on a diet.” I mumbled, shooting her a look. She knew I was on a diet but like to keep bringing up why I was on a diet all the god damn time. She was skinny and pretty, she wouldn’t understand.
“That’s stupid. Jesus Lisa, you are beautiful there is no reason for you to diet!” Jasmine interjected.
Nicole and Janus both nodded eagerly at me.
I shook my head. They were all pretty, couldn’t they just see I wanted to be like them? I wanted to be as beautiful and thin and without anyone passing judgment on my weight.
“Why are you dieting? Seriously.” Nicole asked eyeing me.
My other three friends stared at me waiting for me to answer as if I was going to tell them the real reason to my dieting. I always told them it was for my health and that I wanted to look good come Prom. Prom was only a month away and I probably wasn’t going because I looked gross in a dress, but it was an excuse they have come to except somewhat.
I sighed, tried to act like I was defeated and looked at them and didn’t avoid their eyes, “I told you before, I want to look amazing for prom. Prom is supposed to be the night for everything and everyone. And I am trying to make it my night and make it absolutely perfect.”
Janus nodded, seeming to understand what I was saying to the four of them. “I get that, but you don’t need to go on a death diet. You have already lost a lot of weight, it’s noticeable. Don’t you think that it is time to stop dieting and just maintain this weight? You look amazing already.”
She didn’t get me either. She was supposed to be the understanding one of this group. Besides, there were supposed to say things like that they were my friends. Best friends were supposed to tell you that you look beautiful and amazing, even when you didn’t.
“Whatever. Nothing is wrong, so don’t worry OK?” The bell rang signaling safety and the end of our conversation. I breathed a sigh of relief, “Now if you will excuse me.” I stood and left the table, throwing my half eaten apple into the garbage.
Before going to my next class I stopped by my locker and was less than surprised when Nicole showed up next to me, one eyebrow raised.
“What?” I asked slightly annoyed that no one would let this drop. It wasn’t a big deal!
She hesitated before she spoke, “Is this about Logan, Lisa?” Now I knew why there was hesitation.
My heart stopped beating and a cold sweat began to form. His name brought back so many painful memories for me. So bad I specifically told the girls not to use his name, without mentioning any other reason than it bringing up the harsh rejection I was subjected to. But that wasn’t the real reason, only Nicole and I knew that.
“You can tell me, Lisa.” Nicole looked at me and pulled me into a hug that I gladly accepted. She couldn’t make me feel completely better because she could never make me pretty, skinny, or worth something. I had a feeling only Logan might have been able to do such a thing or another boy. But that was unlikely to happen.
The late bell rang and we pulled apart, “Meet me after school.” Nicole told me as she rushed off to her class. I watched her leave, searching through her bag for what looked like to make sure she had everything before turning the corner.
I, on the other hand, handed toward the bathroom to skip this hour. It wasn’t like we were going to do anything in Music Appreciation anyway. Why bother sitting in there with pretty girls and guys that made me feel embarrassed to be in their because I wasn’t as pretty as any of them and no one would think twice about looking my way.
Huddling in the bathroom stall I played my mp3 as I caught up on my English. I hadn’t cared enough recently to actually care about English. But why not do something while I was stuck doing nothing for an hour?
I met Nicole after school and she took me to her house to hang out, giving each other funky make-up jobs for hours on end before I went home. It was to try to rid myself of my worries, but it only made me freak out more about how gross I was, until I put all that make-up on myself and imagined myself 16 pounds lighter.
Getting home was a challenge. Due to the lack of food today I was a bit dizzy and lightheaded. Normally I would eat something small throughout the day but the pancakes in cooking made me feel fat even though I didn’t eat any, and I was distracted with arguing with my friends to eat my apple that would have held me over until I got home and ate another apple.
But now here I was tripping over my own feet in the heat. I cursed myself and tried to stay in the shade as much as I could as I stumbled home.
I clutched onto a tree for support as I stopped, taking a momentary brake. I couldn’t let myself faint. No one would help me if I didn’t and even if they did I didn’t want their help, walking home provided myself with exercise. Exercise burnt the fat off my body so I had to keep going.
Taking in a deep breath and gathering my strength I walked on.
My head was pounding and I could feel the sweat beginning to drip from my forehead. I bit my lower lip and leaned forward and saw the edges of my vision start to go black. No! My brain screamed at me. I couldn’t fall and pass out. Not right now.
The last thing I remember was the ground getting closer to my face. Of course this would happen.