Wayward Girl

He’s staring at me. He won’t look away. Fifth period drags on with five minutes left, the longest five minutes of my life. I sit in the middle row, on the side by the windows where I can usually lose myself in thought staring at the maple tree outside. Today, I have Jace’s eyes burrowing into mine from the second row, the opposite end by the door. He has his right elbow leaning on the desk and his chin propped up by his fist. It’s been a while since I’ve seen him this aggravated. Knowing that I’m causing it makes me feel even that much better.
I try turning towards the window, but I still feel his gaze burning through the back of my head. Soon enough, I hear the teacher give us our homework assignment, signaling the end of a bitter class. I write it down in my planner without raising my eyes and put it in my bag. The one time I’m praying the bell won’t ring is the moment it does, and a few seconds sooner than it should. I slowly get up, taking my precious time to grab my book bag. It’s lunchtime, but I know I won’t be eating.
As I walk out of the classroom I see that Jace has waited for me at the door.
“Hey, Jace,” I say in a monotone.
He remains speechless, which irritates the crap out of me.
“So, are you going to say something?” I ask him while we’re on our way to the cafeteria.
“It looks like Carter and you aren’t doing so well.”
“I wouldn’t say that,” I stare at the ground as we’re walking. He would like us to not be doing so well, but he doesn’t understand. He knows why we have to be together, but he doesn’t get why I won’t fight it.
“Then what would you say about the situation?”
“The situation?” I stop walking when we get to the outside courtyard. There’s no one around. It’s getting too cold to eat outside.
“Yeah, the situation.”
“Tell me what the situation is, then.”
“You’re allowing Carter to fuck you so your parents remain clueless and think you’re a good little girl.”
“That’s part of it.”
“Then what’s the rest?” he’s getting uneasy.
“My parents will send me away if they think I’m causing trouble.”
“Then why don’t you just tell them the truth?” he’s almost at a yelling pitch.
“My mom thinks I’m a whore, Jace! I go to parties, I get drunk, and I stay out until two in the morning. They won’t believe a word I say.”
Jace doesn’t say anything for a long time. He rests his back against the brick wall and looks down at the ground, as if all the world’s answers were under the soil of a maple tree. “I think you should tell your mom everything. About your dad, too,” he says carefully, without raising his voice.
“I can’t,” I answer the to the tree I have my arm on.
“Why not?” I can tell it’s taking every ounce of him not to yell at me.
“You don’t understand the whole situation.”
“Fuck the situation!” he shouts. “This isn’t normal, and your mom needs to know what’s going on. You can’t just let this continue happening for another year. It’s not good.”
“Of course it’s not good,” I shout back. “But if I tell my mom she’ll lose everything. I can’t do that to her.”
“Yet her husband can fuck you. Yeah, that’s just so fair, Lacey.”
“Well you know what? My stepfather is the whole reason we have money, and I can’t see her living in a shack after she divorces him. She takes pride in what she has and I just can’t do that to her,” I yell at Jace with my arms flailing around. Then, feeling as though all my energy left in that single speech, I plop down on the bench next to the tree. I pull my knees up and throw my arms around them, burrowing my head. I don’t want to be here, but I don’t want to go home. I feel sick.
Jace calms down immediately and sits down, putting both of his arms around me so his whole body is turned towards my shaking shell. “I’m sorry I yelled at you.”
I say nothing for a while. We just sit there and wait out the lunch period. The only sounds I hear are Jace’s breathing and the wind ruffling the maple leaves.

When I get home from school I find my mother throwing a fit at the top of the staircase, her bony hand clenching the wooden banister like she’s going to take off a piece and smack the contractor. I walk under where the two staircases meet in the middle of the entryway and listen to their argument.
“I specifically told you that this project had to be finished by the twentieth of November.” Though I can’t see her, I can tell that she’s giving him the same glare she gives me if I show up late for a dinner party.
“I’m sorry, Mrs. Dawson, but before we set that date we were unaware that you wanted to enlarge the second guest bedroom. That means we have to take out a wall and permit for that, which will take some more time.” He sounds both frightened and worn-out.
“Well I’m sorry if I added one more little thing to the list, but my guests cannot be living in a cell. You will just have to hire more people. At what cost, I don’t care. Just do it,” she spits out like he’s her five-year-old child.
I try and remember the last time we had a guest over.
“Oh,” she adds one more thing before storming off to get coffee-for herself of course. “Maybe you should take less breaks between now and November twentieth just so it is assured that this project will be finished. Your men could use a less caloric diet.”
I hear my mother’s heals tap down the wooden staircase, so I hurry to the pool house where I usually do my homework. It’s calm there and the water is a nice distraction if I get stuck on a math problem or writer’s cramp.
After I have most of my weekend homework out of the way, I decide it’s time to get dressed for the football game. I settle on a new black shoulder dress with puffed, cap sleeves, tight around the torso with a pleaded skirt mid-thigh length, and black tights for my legs. For shoes, I choose gray suede boots and a matching headband for my lose waves.
When I drive into the school’s parking lot it’s starting to rain. Maybe this is a sign that tonight is going to suck, I think to myself. I step of the car with a black umbrella and put it over my head. They should cancel football in weather like this. The clouds are a dark gray and I can’t find a break it the sky, which means the rain will be here for quite a while. My shoes make soft tapping sounds as I make my way through the growing crowd of teenagers with blue and black apparel on to show their devotion to Eastwood Academy. To me, they look like giant bruises.
I find my group in the mass of people, and sure enough I spot Carter and the guys right away, shirtless and covered in blue and black paint. They sport anxious and excited looks on their faces as they wait for half time. The girls, however, aren’t wearing anything to represent our school. They’re dressed like I am, warm and classy, holding themselves with a refined attitude, throwing glares at the boys who are making a fool of themselves, in our eyes. I say hello to them and accept a few compliments on my outfit, my hair, and my weight. To be nice, I do the same; even though we all know that when we say, “You’re so skinny!” we mean, “I hate your anorexic ass. Why can’t I look like that?”
Jace hasn’t come yet, or if he has I don’t see him with our group. I try looking for him through the rain, but it’s only getting heavier with every minute, so I give up and just wait. “Are you guys still going to dance in this weather? I can barely make out the football field.”
“Of course! It makes it even better because nobody will see who we are.”
Somehow, I don’t believe that. They’ve been going against school rules since kindergarten when they brought all the stray cats into the classroom and the next day the teacher discovered the sand box had been turned into a litter box. The headmaster probably has a clue of who it would be. “You guys are so sneaky,” I say with sarcasm. “Good luck with that.”
“If you want to join us in the dance, it’s your last chance to say yes. We have an extra outfit in the car.” Carter pulls me into him and starts feeling me up. “You would look so sexy in it,” his words buzz into my ear like a bee.
“My answer is still no,” I shoot him down sternly and pull myself off of him. “Have you guys seen Jace yet?”
“No,” Carter spits out. “I can’t believe he won’t pull through with us. He’s missing out.”
“He’s just smart,” I mumble under my breath. He doesn’t hear me. Instead, he puts his arm around my shoulders and twists my face into his hard chest. If I breathe I think I’ll die from the intoxicating fume of Axe. One of the girls, Victoria, makes a heart with her fingers. For six months she has been holding a huge crush for him, and every time she sees us together her face turns into a troll. She’s smiling, but it’s the kind of smile that haunts you at night. I try to move my head so I can manage a grin, but I’d much rather yank her by the hair, shout in her face and tell her she can have him.
Jace and Milo arrive ten minutes later with nachos and a large soda. Jace looks bothered and Milo looks nervous. I grab a chip that doesn’t have artificial cow cheese on it and chew slowly, weaseling out of Carter’s grip. He doesn’t notice though because he’s too enticed by the game.
“How are we doing?”
“Nine to zero, in our favor apparently,” I say with the slightest enthusiasm. Football doesn’t allure me as much as it does everyone else.
“Good start,” Jace nods. “Is the dancing plan still on?”
“Unfortunately,” I roll my eyes. Milo takes a sip of the drink and offers me some, but I decline. “Are you going to the party tonight?”
Milo isn’t an essential member in our crowd, but he’s included in everything and offers the girls some eye candy. He has a typical baby face and a charm to him, but he usually stays away from dramatic situations.
“No, I’m going to the cape this weekend for a wedding with my family. It wouldn’t be good to start out with a hangover,” he gives me a wickedly sweet smile and I find my cheeks going warm. “But you are, aren’t you?” his eyes sparkly with something familiar, almost envious.
“Yeah,” my voice trails off looking at him.
“I’m so tired of parties,” Jace spits out. “Maybe we should all go to my house tonight and relax, watch some movies.”
“That sounds perfect, man,” Milo grins widely and looks at me, “Can you get out of this one?”
“Um, I don’t think I can.” I promised to meet Carter at midnight and if I go against that I’ll regret it. Then again, it’s been awhile since I’ve done something normal for a night. Part of me is itching to just leave right now and go to Jace’s house, where it’s safe.
He sees me considering this and clears his throat. “Come on, Lacey,” he moans. “I know you want to.” His eyes boar into mine as he gives me that look, as if he knows exactly what I’m thinking. “Carter has you every other night. Give yourself a break from partying.”
I consider this while looking at my feet. “Maybe…”
His mouth turns up into a gigantic smile. “Great!”
“So after the game we’ll head over to your house?” Milo asks.
“Yeah, that sounds good.”
“Perfect, well I’m going to say hi to some people from the opposing team, so I have to sneak around the other way. I’ll be back,” Milo waves to us and make his way through the colorful crowd of fans.
“Walk with me,” Jace puts his arm around my shoulder and leads me to the wide field behind the stadium.

“Do you remember when I first told you?” I watch his expression with curiosity as we make our way around the football field. Hundreds of football fans stood about twenty feet away from us, cheering at a touchdown made by Eastwood.
Jace’s smile widened when he remembered that night, but it disappeared as fast as it came. “You were crazy.”
“What do you mean I was crazy?” I snapped.
“You gave me no warning, you were so blunt; I couldn’t form words!” he was shaking his head at the memory.

I told him everything on my seventeenth birthday. At my party, which was at my house, I invited everyone from school. It was the event of the year. Late at night when people started to leave, I was on the gazebo steps with Jace when my stepfather came out and told me to end the party soon because I needed to get to bed. I nodded with a vague expression and when Rufus went back into the house I grabbed Jace’s arm and pleaded that he spend the night.
“Uh, I don’t know, I have a doctors appointment tomorrow morning.”
“You can borrow our driver, or I can take you there and drop you off home.”
“Why do you want me to spend the night so bad?”
I didn’t want to tell him, but I didn’t know what else I could do. It’s been a secret for so long and I was dying to tell him all these years. I just wanted someone to know just in case something happened.
“What is it, Lacey?” he looked at me, worried.
“He rapes me. The only reason he wants this party to end is so that he can give me my birthday present. And trust me, I’ve seen it and it’s not that great.” I roll my eyes, resting my chin on my palm.
Jace sat there, speechless. I began to wonder if maybe I should have eased him in. But hell, I was never eased in to any of this. It wasn’t sad to me anymore. It was just the facts of life, of my life.
“It’s okay,” I waved my hand like he just forgot my birthday. “So, can you sleep over? I kind of want my birthday night off.”
He was still sitting there with his mouth wide open, staring in front of him. It was getting annoying.
“Can you say something?” I poked him in the arm. “Like a ‘yes’, maybe?” I tilted my head and stared straight into his eyes.
“I don’t…yes. How long?” his words were short and he stuttered a bit.
“Well, I was thinking just tonight.”
“No, no, I mean how long has he been-” Jace stumbled on his words, “doing this to you?”
“Oh, that. Uh…since he married my mom when I was fourteen.”
“Three years…” he whispered to himself in awe.
“Yup, I guess that would make it three years.”
“Why didn’t you tell me until now?” his voice was almost a scream.
“It’s kind of a secret,” I whispered back to him. “You can’t tell anyone.”
“Why not the cops?”
“My mom will lose everything if he goes to jail.”
“Why don’t you tell your mom?”
“Because then she’ll divorce my stepdad and we’ll live in a shack. She’d hate me for the rest of my life.”
Jace’s eyes fell to the ground as he thought quietly for a while. When he spoke, his voice was softer. “Why did you tell me?”
“Because secrets are harder to keep than they are to tell. Besides, best friends shouldn’t have secrets.”
“I’m glad you told me. Can I help in any way?”
“You are helping.” I wrapped my arms around my knees. “When I’m with you I feel so normal. You don’t expect anything. It’s refreshing.”
“Of course I don’t expect anything, I’m your best friend.”
“And that’s why I love you. You’re so raw and naïve, but in a good way. Life with you is the way it should be.”

“You called me naïve,” he remembers, turning to face me, tongue stuck out.
“You still are!” I push him towards the field. “The worst thing that’s happened to you was befriending me.” I laugh out loud.
“There have been plenty of bad things that have happened to me,” he begins.
“Like what?”
“Well, I’m still a virgin,” he laughs at himself.
“And that’s a bad thing?” I stop laughing, my eyes glued to his.
He slows down his pace and shrugs, wondering what my problem is. “It’s different for guys.”
“The hell it is,” I spit out. “Sex is supposed to be connected to love, but these days guys just don’t seem to make that connection.”
“Hey, not all guys are jerks you know!”
“Maybe not, but you all think alike. You all think sex is this great thing that constitutes one’s cool factor. Well you don’t know how lucky you are. You get to look forward to your first time. You get to tell your children how old you were when you lost it and explain to them the importance of being in love and waiting. I lost mine when I was twelve and I haven’t stopped having sex since. I’m seventeen and exhausted.” I catch my breath, still glaring at Jace with livid eyes. “It’s bullshit. It’s all fucked up bullshit.”
“Lacey,” he takes a couple steps towards me.
“You don’t have to be someone’s fucking toy. It’s not fair,” I try walking away but Jace keeps close behind me, reaching for my arm. I jerk away, tears stinging my eyes. My hair is flying behind me from the icy wind. At least it stopped raining.
“Please, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make it seem so petty. It’s not, it’s a serious thing-”
I’m walking faster now, towards the parking lot. “If it’s so serious then why-” my mouth can no longer connect to my brain. I’m walking so fast I don’t even know where I’m going anymore.
“Stop, Lacey!” he tugs hard of my sleeve and manages to slow me to a stop. “There are so answers to why this happened to you. I can’t explain it. I don’t think anyone can. People are sick idiots, okay? You just have to accept that-”
“Accept that? I’m been accepting that fact for five years!” I scream at him, “I’m sorry, but I can’t do this. I can’t do anything anymore. I’m done!” my voice shakes from the volume, but then I realize my whole body is shaking and I can’t shout anymore because my throat is too raspy. I’m trying to tell him to leave me alone, that I, as a person, as a body, am done. Jace wraps his arms around me but I flail mine around trying to break free. I don’t want to be confined anymore. “I’m done,” I try shouting until my voice breaks. I make an effort to break free of his hold but I’m too weak and he’s too strong. My legs aren’t able to hold up my body anymore and I stumble while trying to escape, finally dropping to the ground beneath us. My muscles no longer work.
Jace piles me up in his arms and carries me to his car where he carefully lays me down in the backseat. The last thing I hear before I pass out is the car door closing behind him and the engine purring quietly to life.