White Lie

It’s probably one of the most over told cliché’s in the book. Best buds since we were in our pampers in the pack and go playpen. She had cooties in first grade and I would tug on her braids in third grade just to annoy her. Inseparable through it all and destined to secretly love each other. I never understood why that was so common. You learn a lot about a person, being so close but why does everyone end up falling in love? When do the comforting friendship gestures slowly transform into romantic ones? Why does everyone ruin such a pure friendship with that overused L-word? Maybe we weren’t as cliché after all. We were no way in love with each other.

Eighteen years of my life have involved her. Cameron and Marianna had became one name we were together so often. Our school schedules always had similarity, dating back to our very first day of preschool. I had started to wonder if our teachers had planned it or something. Our houses stood side by side on the suburban street we grew up on. The gray siding on her home mimicked that of my own house. Our bedroom windows matched up on the side of the house. Even when we were alone we could see each other if we needed to.

There was one year, however, that we barely spoke. As I say this it becomes scary how much of a cliché our whole lives have been. Nevertheless, it’s the truth of the events. That summer leading into our freshman year of high school she went to figure skating camp. It hadn’t seemed like much of a big deal to me at the time. I was the hockey player and she was the figure skater. Even in our hobbies we had found similarities. We were always at the rink together. When she wasn’t skating she was working the concession stand and vice versa with me. However, that summer when she went away she gained a friend.

Olivia was a twig of a girl who always wore her white blonde hair high up in a bun on her head. She was a figure skating fanatic and took the sport to its very extreme. I, to this day, can not figure out what attracted Marianna to her. Yet, over that long summer they had become the best of friends. That friendship had lead to the first day of high school. The first time in my life that I wasn’t greeted by the excited smile of my dearest friend.

Maybe that’s why I can never imagine falling in love with her. Maybe it’s all because of the broken heart I received on that one vulnerable day. I didn’t love her then, if that’s what you are thinking. I was just simply broken at her absence. It was something I had never thought I would experience. That school year was the longest by far. It was also the weirdest. Marianna was not the girl I called my best friend. She had been replaced with the complete opposite of herself. Not to mention a shy mess of a girl any moment she was in my presence.

That year came and went, though. The end of freshman year came along and brought a revival to our friendship. The figure skating camp wasn’t attended by Marianna that summer and she slowly slid back into her own ways. To this day I still cannot figure out what had changed her so much. I suppose it was merely the close friendship she formed with Olivia, another female.

We went on being best friends the rest of our high school career. Days were filled with late night study sessions, parties and the occasional spat due to our at-the-time partners. She dated a few guys that never seemed to keep her interest long. I hadn’t had as many girls as she did guys, but I had a few. Marianna never got along with them. They always had something wrong, some part of them that didn’t mesh well with Marianna.

It was graduation day and the strength of our friendship was going to be tested. The second we walked off that football field in our cap and gowns we wouldn’t have the same connection holding us together any more. She was going to college in Chicago, Illinois. I on the other hand was going up state and attending a school in our home state. We would no longer have that measly little class together to make sure our bond stayed glued together. Would we make it? God, I hoped so. There wasn’t a person in this whole world that understood me the way that Marianna did. She was my confidant and I am proud to say I was hers. Would we be able to keep that when we are states away from each other? It’s a mighty big change from being one house away.

I was tugging on the end of my dark blue graduation gown while I walked through the empty halls of the school. They had gotten my height wrong on the order form and the gown was a few inches too long. It was subsequently shorter than it should be and it was driving me crazy. We were all to meet in the cafeteria to assemble before we began our march to the field where we would become high school graduates. I was looking for Marianna. I hadn’t seen her yet today. Not completely sure why I was looking for her I kept walking through the halls. I suppose it was just a habit to be with her.

I heard her voice down the hall and picked up my pass slightly. It sounded as if she was around the corner. Just as I was about to turn the corner I heard my name being spoken in a hushed whisper. I stopped in my place and listened silently. She was with Olivia and they were talking about me. It wasn’t right to stay and listen, but I did it anyways.

“I don’t know what I’m gonna do, Olivia”

It was Marianna speaking and I couldn’t help but be confused. I had no clue what she was talking about. Marianna told me everything. Anger bubbled up in my stomach at the fact she was confining in Olivia before me. Before her very best friend. Perhaps that anger was only hiding the truth, I was jealous.

“Things can’t stay the way they are forever, Mary. You’re going to separate colleges. You can’t keep this up. Move on, it’s for the best. For both of you.”

The best for both of us? Does that mean me? What could she have to move on from? I hadn’t done anything wrong that I can think of.

“I’ve loved him for years, Liv! How do you expect me to get over it at the flick of a wrist!”

“Keep your voice down,” Olivia shook her head and continued speaking “Cameron doesn’t feel the same way Mary. Do you really want to ruin your friendship with this? Move on, it’s for the best”

My jaw dropped as the words echoed against my eardrum. Marianna loved me? She has loved me for quite a while? There was no way. My heart was racing rapidly in my chest and I stood there motionlessly. My head didn’t know how to react to this. Our friendship had always been more of a brother-sister relationship to me. I had never looked at her like that. Oh my, God. How long have I been breaking her heart? That thought alone sent a chill through my body.

“I guess you’re right,” Marianna murmured in her defeated voice, “I’ll get over him however long it takes”

The heartbreak in her voice nearly brought tears to my eyes. I couldn’t function, I didn’t know how to react. My walk was more of a stumble as I walked away from the two girls quickly. There was no way I would let them find me, and realize I had been eavesdropping. The loud speaker made a last call for all students to head to the cafeteria. I walked to the room quickly, being late would only add to the mixed emotions floating within me.

The ceremony was agonizingly long. All I could do was peer across to the girls side of the field and look for Marianna. I had almost missed my cue to stand up, I was so lost in my own thoughts. There was a red tint to my cheeks from my embarrassment and I silently thanked the sun for being out. At least then I could blame it on a sunburn. My diploma was light in my hand as I stood with my family, smiling and nodding at their congratulations. The air that had just passed my lips got stuck in my throat as I noticed Marianna walking in my direction. She stopped directly in front of me and flashed me a beaming smile. I hadn’t noticed until that very moment that the smile I had grown use to seeing had not been as full as possible. There was something in her eyes, a sadness that was being masked away. I knew it was because of me. It was because of me. I bit into the soft flesh of my lip before open my gown covered arms wide, inviting her in for a hug. She walked into them quickly and squeezes me tightly.

My heart was pounding harshly in my chest as her body pressed closely against mine. You have to. My mind was shouting at me, and everything was spinning. I had to. Taking a deep breath I lowered my lips to her ear.

“I love you, Marianna,” I lied.