I Need You But You Make My Heart Burn in Pieces

I heard a grumble and then Gerard's eyes opened slightly.

"Mikey?" he mumbled, his words barely audible.

I rushed forward, feeling suddenly compelled to hold Gerard after all this time I'd gone without him, I couldn't bare the thought of another minute without him.

I rushed over to him, just hoping he'd be too tired or just too doped up to punch me in the face, like I deserved.

"Gee," I kneeled beside him.

His eyes widened slightly, they were bloodshot but he would be fine, I knew.

"Are you okay?" I asked.

"You came back!" he stated obviously.

"Mikey told me you were passed out on the floor and I was so worried, I thought you O.D’d and you were gonna die and we'd have to arrange a funeral and all the fans would be so upset and the band and-," I rambled.

He smiled, deviously, putting a hand over my mouth to shut me up, "I'm fine," he grinned then giggled, "but I'd rather like some beer," he said sitting up, something stuck out the top of his pocket, a small, transparent, plastic bag, all too familiar.

My mind went back to the days when we were just starting the band, with just one record out, Gerard was an alcoholic and drug abuser back then, and it seemed I'd made him start it all again.

Tears filled my eyes; I pulled out the bag, filled with cocaine. Gerard's eyes widened again and Mikey let out a shocked squeak.

"How much of this have you had this week?" I asked, my voice suddenly turning stern, it didn't feel like my own voice, usually my voice was just, well, normal, like wimpy little Frank's voice should.

Gerard shook his head, "Not much, I promise, I only got some today, and I took a little and that’s probably when I passed out," his voice explained sounding hoarse and dry, unlike his usual melodic, beautiful tone.

"But you've been drinking all week, haven't you?" Mikey asked, even though we both knew the answer.

Gerard confirmed it by looking down ashamedly and sniffing slightly, before nodding.

"Well," Mikey spoke up suddenly, "you two should really, you know, sort something out, we're going on tour in a week, I don't want him pissed and you all beaten up," Mikey voice turned bitter.

"What's that supposed to mean?" I exclaimed. How did Mikey know about that?

"Gerard told me, when he found out you'd left, he told me, and anyway it was a bit obvious, we all had our suspicions." Mikey's voice still remaining bitter but his eyes held a look a sympathy, for both Gerard and I, "Just, sort something out, for now - I won’t tell Brian" he said putting a hand on my shoulder, before walking to the door and seeing himself out with one final sympathetic glance in our direction.

I sighed quietly and sat beside Gerard, he grabbed onto my shoulders suddenly and I flinched, squeezing my eyes tight, I was expecting this; being beaten to a pulp and here it was.

"Frank," Gerard's hoarse voice came to my eyes.

I didn't answer, I just kept my eyes shut, preparing myself for the pain, dreading the contact his fist would make with my face.

Gerard sighed, defeated, "Frankie," his voice sounding choked, "Frankie, open your eyes!"

Gerard sounded sympathetic, regretful. I opened my eyes slowly and stared at him, trying not to let tears fall out my eyes as I took in his face, his eyes were hollow and bagged, on his chin was slight stubble, there was remnants of white powder on his upper lip, below his nose, I couldn't help but break down and cry, he looked so alone, so sad. I couldn't help but feel like crap and I knew I barely deserved to be alive.

Gerard pulled me into a hug, "I'm so sorry, Frank, I'm so, so sorry, I'm going to try so hard for you, I promise," he squeezed me tighter than humanly possible, just wanting to never let go, pressing his cold lips against my forehead. All I could do was nod, and cry, cry strange tears of joy. I hadn't realized how much I missed him and now, I was back; I was safe in his arms and I had never felt happier. Even though I knew I shouldn't be happy and Gerard should be with someone better.

Eventually I managed to stop crying, although I was still shaking, I stood up and helped Gerard stand, he leant on me and together we went over to the double bed, I was exhausted and all I wanted to do was just curl up next to Gerard, maybe cry a bit more and fall asleep.

Gerard managed to pull off his crumpled jeans and sick stained tee shirt; he appeared to have been wearing the same clothes all week, which made me feel even worse. I pulled off my own, cleaner clothes and we climbed into the bed; I huddled next to Gerard immediately and just lay beside him. I didn't even deserve that, I was such a bad person. Feeling terrible, I felt the tears leak out of my eyes and land on Gerard's bare chest. I knew he was sighing by the way his chest slowly raised and fell.

"Would you please stop crying, Frankie?" Gerard asked, "You're making me feel bad."

I shook my head on his chest, "I can't, I feel even worse!" I could offer little explanation.

Gerard shifted down the bed so he was level with me, he kissed my lips softly and I pulled back quickly, letting out a strained cry.

"What's wrong?" Gerard asked, hurt in his eyes.

"I just-I-I don't deserve you," I told him, feeling more hot tears fall down my face.

"Frank, I'm not being funny," Gerard paused, "or mean, but you're really fucked up."

"I'm not, I just don't deserve you, you're amazing and I'm nothing, there's no way I deserve you," I told him, actually saying it made it hurt more than ever. All I wanted to do was just do something to make this pain stop, but I don't think it could.

I decided that the only way to make stop was to replace it with more pain, possibly. I got up.

"I'm just gonna walk around for a while," I told Gerard. I pulled on my clothes, a jacket and walked into the kitchen where I found a sharpener. It was small so it wouldn't be noticed if I took it. I used some scissors to take out the miniature screw and took the blade; I put it in my pocket.

"I'll be back in a while," I shouted, rushing out the door before Gerard could say anything. I went downstairs and out the apartment block; the fresh air hitting my red face, it felt heavenly. I walked around for a while, admiring the darkness around me. Then I sat down, in a dark alley, not far away, it was secluded and no one was around.

I pulled down my sleeve and dug into my pocket when I felt something else in there, I pulled that out instead. It was Gerard's bag of cocaine. Once again, my mind went back to the days when he was addicted to the stuff, I remember so many times watching him roll up a dollar and snort it up, he always seemed so happy then. It made me wonder; what would it feel like?

Deciding to just take a chance in dug in my back pocket and found a note, I knew how to do it considering I'd seen Gerard do it so many times, I rolled it up and stuck it in the bag, quickly, I snorted it up, not wanting to back out like the coward I usually was. At first it stung like hell, then I got used to it and I could feel it affecting my brain, I giggled, feeling daring, I did it again and again soon after.

I sat there, staring up at the dark sky, when I heard a voice call my name. Was it my name? I couldn't exactly remember.

"Frank! ....... Frankie!"