I Need You But You Make My Heart Burn in Pieces

I shrieked at the voice being so close and stood up, suddenly everything began spinning, my throat went dry and I felt as if I was going to throw up. I tried taking a step forward but my legs were barely working, I collapsed, face first, on the cold gravel. I lay there, feeling giddy and peaceful when I felt strong hands grip my shoulders and pull me up off the ground.

"Frank, what the hell happened to you?" a voice I vaguely recognized as my boyfriend's said.

I mumbled and giggled, trying to explain that I was just stoned out of my mind, but failing miserably. Even my mouth seemed to have stopped working.

Gerard sighed and shook his head, well to me he just sort of moved in a blur but I knew he was shaking his head, because he always did that. Suddenly I felt my feet lift from the ground and someone, Gerard, gripping the backs of my thighs.

Laughing, "What are you doing?" I managed to ask in a barely audible murmur.

"Taking you back to the apartment," Gerard said. I just sort of nodded then shut my eyes for a bit, enjoying the sensation of not having to walk. Once we got into the apartment I struggled out of Gerard's grasp and fell to the floor.

"What was that for?" Gerard asked, staring down at me like he'd never seen me before.

"I wanted to stand," I explained, my voice still mumbling.

I managed to get up off the floor but quickly realized that was a mistake, my head began to spin violently and I stumbled backwards, crashing onto the floor again as my eyes shut and I lost consciousness.

So this was what it was like for Gerard.

I woke in the morning and the recollections of the night before hit me so hard; like a truck crushing a child, as sick as my simile may have sounded; that was what it was like. I gasped and covered my mouth, feeling the shame wash over me like the sea tide.

I turned to the side to find Gerard propped on his elbow, staring at me with an unreadable look on his sweet face.

"Please, don't be mad," I squeaked out, finding my throat incredibly hoarse.

"I'm not," Gerard assured me, his voice emotionless, "I'm-uhh, disappointed," he seemed to struggle with the description of how he felt.

I hung my head and bit my lip, hard, willing myself not to cry, "I'm so sorry," I whispered, being told that he was disappointed and not mad or angry hurt so much more.

"We're going to see Luke, today," Gerard told me, seeming to ignore my apology.

This made me feel desperate, my eyes widened behind my hair which was hanging over my face, I only just noticed how long it was.

"I said I'm sorry," I shouted, looking up and grabbing his face between my hands, staring at him directly and breathing heavily.

"I know," was Gerard's reply. I dropped my hands.
"You hate me, don't you?" I questioned, getting up out of the bed and standing up, finding my legs to be weak and shaking.

I heard Gerard's breath catch in his throat, "Never," he said. I shut my eyes and savored the answer, even though I knew I didn't deserve to, why did Gerard keep loving me; when I was such an awful person?

I dropped to my knees and howled, "Why don't you hate me?" I asked, my body shaking with fury and tears, my arms which I leaned on were shaking and threatening to give way. My stomach lurched and I managed to get up and run to the bathroom in time to thro up the contents of my stomach; there was no food in my stomach to actually regurgitate, so I was literally throwing up my stomach acids and that's the worst thing to do because it's so painful and leaves a nasty aftertaste for ages.

Seconds later Gerard was behind me, soothing and shushing me, stroking my back and holding my hair out the way, he made me feel so safe and secure. I just wanted to be in his arms forever; but how could I? I didn't deserve him.

I cuddled back into Gerard's arms when I'd managed to stop my stomach lurching and Gerard picked me up and carried to the bed. He sat me on top of the covers and I crossed my legs then he sat opposite me and crossed his legs, too.

"Okay, we're going to go to Luke and you need to have a serious talk to him and I'm going to be there the whole time and I promise I won't get angry or hurt you, no matter what you say," Gerard told me, gripping my hands tight.

All I could do was give a weak nod.

"And I never want to hear you say you don't deserve me, ever again," Gerard told me, more sternly; but not angrily.

I opened my mouth to protest but he stopped me, "Frank, you are the sweetest, kindest person ever, and right now, you're just a little upset, you're not thinking right; of course you deserve me, I love you and I always will, but we need to get this mess sorted out before we go on tour, okay?" he looked at me like Sara would look at little Frankie; all concerned and adoring. I wrinkled my nose and Gerard gave a small smile.

"Okay," I nodded my voice was dry and hoarse.

"So, I'm gonna take a shower and you can take some aspirin then you got take a shower and we'll get ready to go," Gerard instructed, getting up and ushering me into the bathroom, I took the box of aspirin; we had a large supply given my habit to get sick frequently, then stood and grinned at Gerard as he turned on the shower. I couldn't help but feel happy; Gerard had made me believe that I should be with him; that I deserved to be with him.

Gerard turned around and noticed me standing there, he laughed, "Shoo, go on, Frankie, go, take some aspirin and have a decent breakfast, no Pop Tarts, and definitely NO TWIZZLERS I know they’re your favorite."

I hung my head, "Fine," I sighed and trudged out the bathroom, I was looking forward to some Twizzlers...