The Dorkiest Vampire

“So, what do you think of the swamp monsters theory?” Eldon asked.

After some begging from me on one end of the phone and my mother prodding him on the other, my father had finally relented and decided it was okay for me to go out with Eldon that afternoon. Mom was glad I was finally showing an interest in the opposite sex, something which Dad was hoping I wouldn’t discover until I was at least forty. Since everyone had been cooped out for a week, my parents decided it wouldn’t be too awful if they let me out for one afternoon of fun, as long as Eldon and I both kept our cell phones on and he had me back home before dinner. Eldon accepted these terms cheerfully.

In fact, I probably should have noticed that Eldon was a little too cheerful that afternoon as we headed downtown. The plan was to just go hang out at the local milkshake joint, maybe see some other people our age, and talk together in a well-lit, heavy populated area. Ever since Stacey’s death, group dates had become popular in the area since no one really wanted to be vulnerable. Even the big burly football linebackers who bragged about how they would take down the creepy murderer single-handedly if he dared lay a hand on their girl didn’t want to be out after dark where hardly anyone was about. Eldon oddly seemed calm about the entire thing, almost like he knew it would blow over and there was no longer anything to worry about.

“I seriously doubt they exist. Besides, what happened to Stacey… I think that’s beyond the capability of a gator,” I shook my head.

“Hard to believe while we were having fun at the dance she could have been taking her last breaths,” Eldon said. I shivered a little at the thought. “Can you imagine what that would be like?”

“Being murdered?” I frowned.

“I wonder if it’s true about all of that life flashing before your eyes stuff,” Eldon said.

“I really wouldn’t want to find out,” I shook my head.

“I don’t think they’ll ever find the guy,” Eldon informed me.

“Why’s that?” I asked.

“Well, I mean, what he did had to have been messy, you know?” Eldon shrugged. “I mean, you don’t just drain an entire body of blood and not get just a little on the floor or on your clothes or something. And that’s hard to cover up. I mean, even if you wipe it away the CSI people have all those chemicals that can show where it was. So they had to be pretty smart to clean it all up without anyone noticing. Not to mention it’s probably a long drawn out process. I mean, you probably don’t drain all of the blood out of a human body in fifteen minutes. It probably took a lot of time and effort. And if he had to take all of that time, he was probably doing it somewhere pretty concealed… somewhere no one would find him. And then there’s the whole matter about how her body was found. I mean, it took them days to uncover it from the time she went missing. Sure, it probably took a little time to kill her, but he was smart enough to dispose of the body in a way that would leave them searching for her with the hopes that she was still alive. That gave him enough time to get away. I mean, he could have been on a plane out of the country by the time they even found her.”

“What if it was someone local?” I suggested.

“Couldn’t have been,” Eldon shook his head. “Whoever did this… they’re an expert. And I have a feeling if they were from around here, Stacy wouldn’t be the first person to wind up like this.”

“Maybe Stacy was just the first person who’s body they found. Maybe they covered up all of the others better than they did Stacy,” I said.

“Not enough girls have gone missing in this area,” Eldon shook his head. “She was like the first missing persons case in decades. If they were local and, I guess for lack of a better word, hunting locally, there would be more people missing. Besides, they wanted her body to be found.”

“What makes you think that?” I asked.

“If they didn’t want her body to be found, why would they dump it in the headwaters of the river? Everyone knows anything you dump up in those swamps eventually floats down the river and into the area where it levels out in town,” Eldon shrugged.

“Sounds like you’ve put a lot of thought into this,” I said, feeling a little nervous. “Watch a lot of true crime shows or something?”

“Yeah,” Eldon said quietly. “Something.”

I’m pretty sure this was around the exact moment when I decided I needed to get out of Eldon’s car at any cost. Unfortunately, he was driving at around fifty miles per hour in a thirty zone and I had no idea where exactly he was taking me. By the time our creepy conversation had come to a halt, I realized we were beyond the town limits, definitely not where Eldon had told me he was taking me. I had a feeling once I got out of this situation and got back home, I would be lectured six ways from Sunday by my parents who had given me full permission to hang out with Eldon and my brother, who still thought Eldon was a pervert. How ironic it was that Eldon turned out to be crazy rather than the typical teenage boy who only thinks with his shortest appendage.

“So…uh… where are we headed?” I asked, trying to act calm and casual. I had a feeling sending out scared and anxious vibes would only heighten Eldon’s crazy.

“I told you. I just want to hang out,” Eldon shrugged.

“Then why are we driving out of town?” I asked him curiously.

“There’s some place I wanna show you…” Eldon said.

“I thought you said we were going to hang out downtown…” I began.

“This is just a detour,” Eldon replied.

“Is it very far? My mom really wanted me home before dinner and I’ll probably be grounded if I’m not,” I said, not liking the sight of the trees passing us by.

“Not too far…” Eldon shook his head.

“Well, just in case, tell me where it is so I can call my parents. They were only okay with me going into town, so I don’t want them to get mad or anything if I go somewhere else first,” I said.

“It’s a secret,” Eldon informed me.

“Look, I don’t want to get in trouble…” I began.

“Oh, you’re already past that point,” Eldon smirked at me.

“What?” I said, surprised. Next thing I knew, Eldon had swerved over to the side of the road, jostling me around the car and making me grip onto the door and my seat for dear life. When my breathing finally caught up with me I turned to him, terrified. “What the hell was that?”

“A distraction,” he shrugged.

“For what?” I said, suddenly feeling dizzy. It wasn’t until I slipped out of consciousness that I noticed Eldon had stuck me with a syringe of some weird, clear substance while I had been distracted by his driving.



I woke up several hours later in what appeared to be a basement or perhaps a wine cellar ala Poe’s “Casque of Amontillado.” I could hear voices in the distance arguing as I slowly came to, whatever weird sleeping serum Eldon had injected me with slightly wearing off. I really didn’t like that I was waking up groggy in a cellar, not knowing where I was, whom I was with or how I had gotten there. The place smelled dank and there was the sound of water dripping off the walls, causing the entire place to smell like a sewer. As my eyes adjusted to the darkness, I found I was in what appeared to be a jail cell in the middle of some weird catacomb. Further down the hall, I could see light emanating from the room where two shadowy figures were having an intense argument. It didn’t take me too long to realize whom the voices belonged to.

“You are a complete idiot!” Donny hissed from the other room.

“You said for me to bring you a…” Eldon began.

“I know what I told you to do and this isn’t it!” Donny hissed at him. I couldn’t tell for sure, but it sounded like Eldon was whimpering. I was seriously starting to doubt my taste in men. “How is it that you are such a complete idiot that you bring me back the one person who I specifically told you not to…”

“You said anyone!” Eldon protested.

“HOW DARE YOU CHALLENGE ME!” Donny shouted in a voice that didn’t really sound like the college-student impersonator I had met several times before.

If Eldon had been whimpering before, he sounded like he was all out crying now. I tried to lean forward, hoping I could glean more information from my seemingly bumbling captors before they noticed I was awake. However, Donny’s senses were in better shape than I had hoped and he seemed to notice that something had changed in my cell. I heard a few steps toward my direction and backed away from where I had been listening at my cell bars.

“I think our visitor is awake,” Donny said in a tone I had only previously heard used in horror movies. Of course, I was basically in one.

I wasn’t sure if he was talking to Eldon or if he purposely wanted me to know he knew I was up. I backed toward the back of my dimly lit cell as I heard Donny’s quiet footsteps approaching. As Donny’s face became visible in what little light the room had, I suddenly wished I had spent my afternoon going grave-robbing with Mick and Galiene. Some say hindsight is twenty-twenty, but right then, hindsight was just being a real bitch.

“It’s good to see you again, Aurelie,” Donny said, his French coming out much thicker than before.

“Can’t say the same,” I spat back at him.

“I must admit, your little boyfriend bringing you hear really threw a kink in my plans, but it’s nothing that we can’t fix,” Donny informed me, stroking his chin. “In fact, this might work out better than I had intended. I’m sure your friends wouldn’t be too keen on finding you here. If they find you at all.”

“I think they’re smart enough to realize you killed Stacey and Mick’s sister by now,” I snorted.

“Ah, so you have it all figured out, don’t you?” Donny snorted. “Believe me, you don’t know anything about what I’ve done ma pauvre petite fille douce.”

“Hey! What are you saying to her?” Eldon demanded to know, forcing his way into the darkened room where my cell was located.

“None of your business, cretin,” Donny rolled his eyes.

“We had a deal!” Eldon said to him, angrily. “You said…”

“I know what I said,” Donny hissed at him. “And I hardly think you kept up your end of the bargain. As far as I’m concerned, I owe you nothing. You’ve proved that you can’t carry out even the most simple of assignments!”

“But… you promised me…” Eldon began, obviously furious that he had been denied whatever warped prize Donny had promised him for his compliance.

“If you prove to be valuable and actually learn to take orders, I might reconsider gifting you what you asked for,” Donny replied, “but you are going to have to work extra hard to redeem yourself. Now, I have some… calls to make, shall we say. Make sure our… esteemed guest Mademoiselle Marrionneaux… is fed and cared for properly…” With that, Donny did a very dramatic pivot and disappeared into whatever type of makeshift dwelling he had created in the sewers. I glared at Eldon, who was busy pulling a burger and fries out of a fast food bag.

“What the hell is wrong with you, huh? Why’d you get involved with a creep like him?” I hissed at Eldon. “He’s a murderer and an asshole and you do realize he’s marked for death by every vampire in existence. They’ll probably kill you too for helping out with him. Or at least have you committed to a mental hospital for the rest of your life!”

“That’s really no way to talk to your future overlord,” Eldon snorted.

“Is that it? He’s promised you power and to turn you into a vampire and crap?” I rolled my eyes as Eldon slid the fast food items into my cell. “You do realize there is like a one in a trillion-jillion chance of him successfully turning you into a vampire, even if you guys don’t get discovered. Of course, you are going to get found out because Donny has been completely horrible about covering his tracks and everyone from the big head honcho vampires to the secret vampire police know what he’s up to.”

“Can you just eat your burger, Riley?” Eldon whined. “It was a long drive here and then I had to lug your limp body down like ten flights of stairs and I’ve already been yelled at by…”

“Oh, I’m sorry that my captivity is inconveniencing you,” I hissed at him.

“Look, I know this isn’t an ideal situation for you…” Eldon began.

“Understatement of the year,” I interjected.

“…but it’s going to be great for both of us in the long run,” Eldon explained. “I did this for you. You’ll see.”

“Oh, so I’m supposed to be grateful that you kidnapped me and are now holding me hostage at the whims of a sociopathic vampire?” I hissed at him.

“Isn’t that what girls want?” Eldon frowned. “I thought you’d think this is romantic… I mean, don’t all girls dream of getting kidnapped an d turned into a vampire by their boyfriend?”

“No that’s not want girls want! Are you delusional?” I glowered at him. “Seriously, Eldon, no one in the right mind wants their boyfriend to freaking kidnap them! What kind of crack have you been smoking? And it’s not like you’re even my boyfriend! We went on one stupid date to a school dance! Believe me, after all this shit you’ve pulled you have no chance with me now or any other girl once they find out what a creeper you are…”

“We’ll see about that,” Eldon hissed at me. “Eat your dinner and maybe, if I’m in a good mood I’ll bring you a blanket. It gets cold and dank down here at night and the rats don’t really like to cuddle for warmth.” He turned in a very poor imitation of Donny and attempted to sweep himself out of the room.

“What did that lunatic promise you that’s so great you’re willing to destroy your life?” I yelled at him.

“You, Riley,” Donny said before closing the door and only light source to the room. “He promised me you.”