Stars And Boulevards

"You've got to be fucking kidding me," I remember hearing her say from her bedroom as I walked through the door of our apartment.

"Olivia?" I called as I set down my keys and walked to her room.

"Shit," my best friend since the age of five cursed as I had just taken a step in the doorway. "I was supposed to be gone before he got back," she said to herself, and I remember asking myself, What?

I'm pretty sure she was kneeling in front of a huge, overstuffed duffle bag, desperately trying to get it zipped. When I looked closer, I noticed that there were bags and pieces of luggage all over the place. The walls were empty; all of the picture frames of the two of us, her family, her friends.. They were all gone. Nothing was left on her dresser or night stand. Her closet was completely bare, and from all of the pulled out drawers in her dresser, I had guessed that they didn't have anything in them, either. I was confused.

"W-what are you doing?" I asked her.

She sat back on her knees and let out a huff. "What does it look like I'm doing, Steven?" she asked me. I don't recall it being a particularly nice tone, either. She came across angry and upset.

I remained silent, taking another glance at her almost-empty room. "Why are you packing everything up? Are you going to visit back home or something? Because if you are, you don't need to take every single thing you own with you.."

She stood up from her spot on the floor. "Don't you get it?" she asked, pausing to look at me, and when I didn't say anything right away for a second time, she spoke again. "No, of course, you don't. Why would you?" she told me. "I'm leaving."

"What do you mean you're leaving?" I breathed. "You can't just go, Liv."

"Like I'm packing all of my shit, getting in my car, and getting away from here and from you," she told me before bending back down to try and zip her duffle bag shut again.

"Getting away from me?" I whispered. I'm pretty sure that I compared that moment in time like a knife in my heart.

"Yes, getting away from you," she said as stood up and took a few steps near me. "Did you really think that I was just going to stay here and continue to be ignored? You've barely said a word to me in one month! One month!" she yelled at me, tears welling up in her eyes. I was the reason she was so angry and so upset, and that made me feel horrible. "At first, I thought you were just having a rough week, but then it turned into two, and then three. And I tried to talk to you about it! I tried like hell, but what would you know? You overlooked me, and avoided me for a month," she said, tears spilling down her cheeks. "You're my best friend, and you couldn't even ask me how my day was or even look at me! I spent all day, everyday, worrying about you, but then I realized that it was just fucking selfish of you. And now all of a sudden you want to talk when I'm about to leave, when I can't take it anymore?" she roared. "You deserve to be alone."

I moved from my spot and reached out to wipe away her tears.

"Don't touch me," she enunciated as she took a step away from me. "What part of getting away from you don't you understand?"

I look into her eyes, only to look away before sitting down on her bed. "I couldn't tell you."

"What couldn't you tell me? What was so Goddamn important enough to keep from your best friend? Huh? Because of all the people you shouldn't be able to tell, I should be the one person that you can tell, don't you think? So what's the reason behind you ignoring me for the past month, because I want to fucking know," she told me, even angrier than before, not bothering to wipe the wetness away from her cheeks.

I remember it like it was yesterday. I looked up at Olivia Graham, my best friend for years. Her dirty blonde hair flowed perfectly down her back, stopping at her shoulder blades. Her eyes were narrow at that moment, but they still held a beautiful shade of green. Her stature was about the average, maybe a little taller, but she was never short to me; she was always the perfect height. Her skin looked soft and warm, and I longed to run my fingers over her body, and her long legs would often haunt my dreams. Her voice, it was like music to my ears. She could talk for hours on end, and I wouldn't mind it at all. Her lips were a soft shade of pink, and I desperately wanted them against my own. She was just so beautiful.

I took a deep breath. "I love you," I whispered.

Shock rushed over her face as I spoke before she dipped her head down and looked at the floor. Then she looked back up at me before turning towards her belongings. "I-I," she stammered, reaching up to wipe her cheeks again. "I have to go. I'll be back to pick up the rest of my stuff later," she said, quickly grabbing two bags and making a run for the door, literally.

"Wait!" I called, jolting up from the bed as I chased after her. She was already out the door, already gone.

"FUCK!" I yelled as I slammed my palm against the wall. My hand collided with it a few more times as I let out a string of profanities. I don't remember ever feeling pain from that, though; her rejection was worse. Then I think I finally slammed the door shut and walked into my room.

I spent at least an hour or so beating myself up over what I had said. How could I have been so fucking stupid? I couldn't have just kept my fucking mouth shut. She would have still been here if I had. Okay, well, maybe not. She was probably going to leave regardless of what came out of my mouth because I hadn't opened it for over a month, but why couldn't I have just fucking made something up? Maybe she wouldn't have ran off, maybe she would have stayed. What the fuck is wrong with me?--All of that went through my mind.

I guess I was just hoping that she felt the same way about me.

I mean, we 'cuddled' or whatever together, we kind of flirted, we shared everything. She would wear my t-shirts and hoodies and stuff, and I would steal a few bites of her food. She went to all of my home games, sporting my jersey every time, and I helped her study for all of her tests for med school either in our apartment, or over the phone when I was out of town. Everything was normal, going good--until the day I stopped talking to her.

It was probably around four in the morning when I finally decided to try and make things right with Olivia. I had a game that night, and I should have been resting, but that was the last thing on my mind. I didn't give a fuck about the game.

I pounded on Vinny's front door with my fist at least a dozen times. I knew she would be there, she was always there when she wasn't with me or at school. She was close to Carolyn, and they would take her in in a heartbeat, no questions asked.

She didn't open the door, but I heard her voice. "What do you want?" she asked me in a tired tone.

I let out a sigh. "I came to apologize," I told her. "We can just forget I ever said that if you want. Just, please, come back. I can't live without you, even if we are just friends."

"How can we forget about it, Steven? What you said changes everything."

"But it doesn't have to! I know I messed up when I ignored you and acted like you didn't even exist.. I'm sorry, God, I am so sorry for treating you like that. It just all of a sudden hit me one day that I was in love with my best friend, and I didn't know what to do. So I figured that if I tried to avoid you.. those feelings would go away. But they didn't, I think they might have grown even stronger. I just, I finally saw how much I needed you, how much I needed to talk to you, to hear you laugh.. Everything. But I kept telling myself that the next day I would feel differently," I explained as I leaned my head against the front door. "And it's not that I don't think you're an amazing women or someone who I wouldn't want to fall in love with, because you are. I.. Please open the door and come back home," I begged.

"Steven, I just.. I don't love you the way you love me." Those words broke my heart, completely shattered it. That was an even bigger, sharper knife to my chest. All I could do was hang my head.

After a minute or so, I guess, I had finally said something. "I'll leave you a ticket for every game," I said just loud enough for her to here me. "Just in case you decide to come back to me," I mumbled mostly to myself before I turned away from a place I never wanted to set foot again, only to walk back to a place I never wanted to set foot again, either. Fifteen years of friendship down the drain in a single night.. I was so fucking stupid.

Not a day went by when I didn't think of Olivia Graham, not even now--two years after that night. She did her best to cut herself off from me, and I had unfortunately lost all contact with her. I didn't even know how she was or where she was living nowadays. She could be married to someone that she loves, someone that she could go home to every single night. Or she could be half way around the world, visiting ancient cities just like she had always dreamed of doing. I didn't know.

I left her a ticket for every game, just like I had promised. She never came, though, not once. I still looked through the crowd, even if I knew that I was probably just wasting my time waiting for the girl who had my heart but wanted nothing to do with mine.