Jayden's Guitar

The next morning, I wake up to the sound of an all too familiar song. By the time I reach the kitchen, I am smirking. Jayden and my mother are sitting at the counter, Jayden is going through a ‘Lego’ magazine, and my mom is sitting next to him, going through a ‘Cooking Light’ magazine. The two of them are both singing along with Harley’s voice, which is pumping out of the speakers I have around the house.

My mom smiles when she sees me, “Oh, hello, Jace. I made waffles, if you’d like any.”

I walk behind her chair, and kiss the top of her head and say, “Thanks, Mom.” and then do the same to Jayden, who doesn’t do as much as flinch. “You guys are listening to Breathe Today?” I chuckle.

My mom smiles wider, “Jayden wanted to listen to it, he kept asking, so I went through your CD rack, and found it.” Jayden doesn’t acknowledge this, he’s too engrossed in his magazine, but he continues to sing along.

“You know these songs Jayden?” I ask, and fork a couple waffles onto my plate, before going to sit next to him.

“Mom and I used to listen to them all the time.” He says nonchalantly, but my heart catches in my throat. In the near three months that he’s been here, we’ve been avoiding May’s name on all levels, and he hasn’t been mentioning her either. My mother and I lock eyes, but neither of us know what to say. Jayden shrugs, “Sometimes, she would play nothing but them for weeks on end. Sometimes, she would get real sad when she did,” He trails off and doesn’t say anymore.

So May would play Breathe Today for him, enough for him to know all the songs, and for her to get emotional when she did. My breath catches. “Excuse me,” I mutter and walk into my bedroom, wishing for the millionth time since he’s been thrown into my life, that I could take it all back, everything.

Three months ago, I had absolutely no regret for not staying in their life, just sadness that I didn’t. Then, days later, when I take on the responsibility of being a fulltime parent, I feel nothing but regret, and I’ve felt nothing but since. I look at him, and I can’t see anything but May. I watch his tactics, and notice nothing buy May. The way he ponders and sits silently before speaking, keeping it short and sweet. He likes all the same foods she did, makes the same faces, like the same music, its just too much.

My mom knocks on the door, ripping me out of my thoughts. Her face is solemn, and grim, she sits on the bed next to me. I lean into her shoulder and she runs her hands through my hair, “I just don’t think its fair.” I whisper.

“What’s that?”

“I just don’t think its fair that I had to get the chance to raise him because his mother died. I don’t think its fair that I’ve been so selfish for the past five years, to not even have as much of a thought of him, or her. I don’t think its fair, any of it. Every kid deserves a mom, especially when their dad hasn’t been there ever, because he’s too much of an asshole. Why couldn’t they have walked back into my life, together? I could’ve remembered how much I have always love her, and how immediately I’d love him. We could’ve been a family, even five years later. Why didn’t that happen?”

My mom looks and me, and bluntly says, “Because there was no full family from the beginning, because that was the decision you made. You think I don’t regret not making you stay? You don’t think I haven’t been thinking this since that day you came downstairs crying, explaining to me that she died? I had always considered May a daughter of mine, and I’ve been having a hard time of getting this around my head.

“But now, more than ever, this boy is going to need a dad. His mother, his only family, is dead, and I am not sure if he’s having a hard time coming to terms with this, or just is quiet about it, because he thrown into a strange man’s house. If you give up now Jace, you’re going to pile on more regret, and you’ll never be able to be happy with yourself. Do you want to die with that weight on your shoulders, Jace? Right now, you have to learn to be the best dad you can, okay? You’ll learn, and he’ll grow as you do. You never know, maybe one day, you’ll find that perfect person, and will be able to give him a mother figure. Just right now, focus on him and you, okay?”

I sniffle, “I am just so afraid, I am not going to be enough for him, and I’ll never be the parent May was.”

She sighs “That’s the thing though Jace, you’re not going to be, because you never actually could be. You’re going to be Jace, his father, and whatever parent that you end up being, it’ll be good enough for him. You’ll get it figured out, I promise.”

I take this in and nod, “What would I do without you Ma?”

She smiles, “I could only imagine Jace, I could only imagine.”

____________

I put down the controller, my mouth agape. “I cannot believe you just beat me again, Jayden. You’re a pro!”

He beams, “I’ve had a lot of practice.”

“Hell yeah, you’ve had a lot of practice! I can’t believe a five year old, can play better than a twenty one year old!” Lance exclaims, “Let me take you on, kid!”

I set the controller down, and let Lance, our guitarist, take my place. For lunch, my mom and I prepared a huge buffet of sorts for the band, and my other close friends to come over, to get Jayden finally warmed up. So far, its turned out well. He seems to like people, and doesn’t shy away when someone talks to him. To get comfortable, the guys and Harley have been battling against him in the tons of videogames my house has been accumulating as of recently. Somehow, Jayden hasn’t ceased to wow us with his skills. It really makes me wonder who taught him all of this.

The door bell rings, breaking me out of my thoughts. “I’ll get it!” I yell over everyone. It only takes me a short few seconds to get to the door, but when I open it, I am immediately surprised to see who is standing there.

“Peter.”