Emo Prince Meets Emo Princess and They Drown the World With Their Emoness

Eric felt like he was being dragged through blood – which was strangely orgasmic, somehow. He was in bed with Vanny one moment and on a huge boat the next. It was his dad’s boat, obviously, but Vanny wasn’t there. WHERE WAS SHE!?

Oh, yeah. She was getting ready for the only wedding she’ll ever have. Eric did a few third-grade style calculations in his head – this was a wedding, apparently, and he was in a nice uniform, apparently, and apparently, Vanny was below deck getting ready for the said wedding. Which was both of theirs, apparently.

Oh, yeah! he thought, all-preppy-like, We’re getting married!

He’d suddenly grown disgustingly attached to that fake, plastic whore. She was his moon, his earth, his sky, his clouds, his sun, his earthworms, his birds – his everything. And because she wasn’t right there next to him, he felt like he was about to get a heart attack and die. Then he remembered the fact that his is apparently his wedding day and that they’d get to spend the rest of their lives together and it’ll all be okay once they get it on in about five hours and forty five minutes.

He breathed in and look around – okay, isn’t amazing how he’s not crying!? – watching all of the gentry and other people hop around excitedly, including the young King and Sweden and his pretty wife, other princes and princesses and royalty that were already either happily married or soon-to-be happily married because they were betrothed since they were, like, sixteen or some shit, like every other normal Royal.

Ahem.

Suddenly, Eric heard the wedding march that he’d heard so many fucking times in cheesy romantic movies and suddenly realized that it was for him. Well, not for him, but yeah. He got into position near the old priest and began sweating bullets. He looked dramatically across the aisle to see Vanny, hooked on her dad’s arm, wearing perhaps the gaudiest and fugliest dress in the entire universe – as Eric heard the other jealous, dumb royals say – and the biggest smile on her plastic, Botox-ed face.

Vanny and her dad walked slowly down the aisle, toward Eric.

Just like in the movies! Vanny thought giddily as she dug her long acrylics nails into her dad’s arm. He glared at her, but she continued until blood dripped down his arm. He was only glad to hand her over to this the previously psychotic prince – hey, who knew she had a dad? – and smiles at his “fer-realzz princess nao”!

Vanny typed a quick tweet and text on her phone before turning toward Eric and giving him another fake ass smile before the priest began.

And then suddenly, the entire party was engulfed in sea critters and birds and other gross animals. Nobody knew where the fuck they came from, but it didn’t matter – fucking animals were on the loose at the royal wedding!

Vanny was screaming and ripping starfishes off of her skin as they were thrown at her by a sort of high looking bird or something. Eric stayed in the corner, trying his hardest not to laugh, but he couldn’t keep his newly preppy and douchbaggish laugh from exploding out as the party broke into chaos.

Not really, but still, who likes birds flying overhead while you’re wearing you best Chanel dress? Uh. Nobody.

He saw her before anyone else. The creepy goth girl named after an eating disorder hopped over the edge of the boat, face streaked with black eyeliner and mascara calmly walked past the birds and sea critters and running people and punched both Vanny and Eric so hard in the face, Eric was sure that she perhaps killed or knocked Vanny out – she fell on the ground so hard, Eric thought he’d heard her implants popping - before realizing that he was indeed hallucinating because of the sock in the nose.

“Hey!” he screamed as he fell backwards. “What the fuck am I doing in this uniform!?”