Emo Prince Meets Emo Princess and They Drown the World With Their Emoness

Eric didn’t know what the fuck was happening and why, but he suddenly remembered becoming a preppy pussy with nice abs and hair as he found himself running dramatically into the arms of that once ugly goth chick with an eating disorder name. She was holding him and crying and he was holding her and crying and there were so many fucking tears that, for a second during the broken happiness that was so rare to see in Belfry’s emo prince, Eric thought the boat would capsize.

Suddenly, someone boomed, “HA. You bitches were too stupid to look at the sky!”

The couple looked up from each others faces and toward Vanny, who wasn’t exactly cheerleader-ish and cute. She was more emaciated, exactly what Eric wanted to be. She wretched the diamond necklace that her alter ego had worn and it smashed into a thousand tiny little pieces as notes of a song broke the ears of the guests:

One final fight for this tonight. OHHHHH. With knives and pens, we name our price.

“Anorexia?” the name left Eric’s lips. He was glad he could put a name on that pretty, emo, tearstained face: Anorexia Ariel. Or the other way around, who the fuck knew? She was the one, the only girl for him.

“I wanted to tell you before, but I thought you would hate me and then I couldn’t!” Ariel cried.

“Why would I hate you?! You’re amazing!” Eric told her. “You’re the only girl for me!”

During that whole lovely love romance bullshit, Vanny – who was really Ursula, dun, dun, dunnnnn! – flicked her wrist, causing the water around the wedding boat to swirl and spin around her, spraying the guests and the couple. The guests were still screaming from the fucking sea critters that seemingly fell from the sky.

“Le fuck!” Eric screamed, letting go of Ariel. “Water in my hair!”

“And in mine!” Ariel yelled, tears still falling down her face, though she couldn’t differentiate what was tears and what was water. Was it both? Either way, her makeup was now ruined.

“OH FUCK TO THE NO!” Eric boomed, storming over to the refreshments stand in the middle of the boat, where, miraculously, the white wedding cake was still standing. Almost in slow mo, Eric yanked a large piece of cake from the bottom and, while flapping his arms in that gay way that he was used to, ran to his former cheerleader fiancé who wasn’t his fiancé anymore. And in the heat of the moment, he jumped – karate style – and shoved the piece of cake in her mouth.

The water stopped swirling as Vanny choked on the immense amount of calories in that fucking piece of cake that went down her esophagus. The wedding guests watched in horror as the sea witch stopped breathing and fall back dramatically as she slowly collapsed within herself and was gone.

There was a few moments of silence, then immense applause roared from the guests and the king and queen and everyone was happy because the prince somehow made a fucking heroic breakthrough. One of them looked away and retched as Eric took his dead bride in his arms and made out with her, right there, on the wedding boat.

A time later – y’know how Disney does that flash screen shit – the emo prince and princess of Belfry married on the same exact boat that the bullshit happened on. That’s what the citizens of Belfry went on to call it. The crackhead seagull, the crab, and ghettolicious Flounder were there too, as the two kissed.

As the new couple waved, Eric handed Ariel a small razor blade, emblazoned with I love you, and asked as he shoved his right sleeve up, armed with an identical razor blade, “Are you ready?”

Ariel’s dress was sleeveless, so she obviously was, but for drama’s sake, she said, “Ready!”

And they cut themselves as a married couple as the boat sailed off into the horizon, in front of the horrified wedding guests, together.