I Can't Help You Fix Yourself But At Least I Can Say I Tried

When I awoke, it wasn't to one of the guys snoring from their bunks. It was because I had just been elbowed in the side.

"Oh, I'm sorry," a soft female voice tried to ease the pain.

I was laying on my stomach so I turned my head to see the little blond from the night before. She said her name was Andy. I remembered that much. We were now both laying in my bunk with the curtain closed. And from the lack of noise I guessed that we were the only ones up.

"Hey," my words were groggy, but I was fuckin tired. Between the drinking and the sex the woman had damn near worn me out.

"Hey," she replied softly. She was now on her side, propped up on one elbow beside me dressed in her bra and panties.

I grinned and rolled onto my back. "You planning on going somewhere?" I asked her, half hoping that she was, but at the same time hoping that she wasn't.

A slow smile spread across her lips. "Maybe," she continued to look me over, but the blanket covered what was below my hips. "But maybe not."

She moved slowly so that she was straddling my waist and I wasn't about to stop her. Instead I helped her out. Placing my hands on her hips, hooking my thumbs in the small piece of fabric that made up her thong.

"So Mr. Gates," she slid her hand down my chest and into the blankets. "Does this make us an item?"

No. No. No.

What she was doing with her hand suddenly wasn't pleasurable anymore.

My expression must have been pretty telling. She laughed softly and grinned. "I was only joking." She began to move her hand again causing me to emit a low pleasureable growl.

Everything felt so much better when there were no strings attatched.

***

I walked home slowly in the afternoon light. My body was drained. I hadn't slept in close to two days, and it was starting to catch up. But sleep deprivation wasn't the only thing bringing me down. With my last stunt, I'd crossed that very fine line into the unknown part of life somewhere between Heaven and Hell. Truth was, there was no better feeling in the world than being high. Hence, Heaven. But, everything good had to have a bad side. At least that was always the way it was my experience. My Hell, was that I wanted the Heaven feeling again.

But I'm not entirely stupid, I know the dangers of Heroin. But contrarty to popular belief, there are a select group of people who can use heroin occasionally. I wanted desperately to be in that group of people. Which is why, I stopped after shooting up once and resorted to alcohol. Perhaps it was possible to train yourself. I hoped so.

When I got home the front door of the house was wide open which could mean a few things. One, there was a raid going on, in which case I should turn around and leave. Two, we were being robbed, in which case I should turn around and leave. Three, my uncle was kicking his new girlfriend out, in which case I should probably turn around and leave. Or the fourth possibility, which scared me. And that was, that my uncle had pissed off the wrong dealer, or his crew and my entire family was dead.

I walked up the walkway slowly, keeping an eye on my surroundings. Watching for anyone from neighbors with guns, to cops with guns. Slowly I stuck my head in the open door, looking around nervously. I couldn't see anyone, but I could hear them. A soft sobbing.

"Mom?" I braved my own fears and stepped into the house. Maybe something had happened. And by the looks of the house, it had.

My uncle's latest girlfriend was on the other side of the ratty couch sitting against the wall crying. She had her legs tucked up close to her body and a nice set of bruises along her arms. When she lifted her head, I got a nice glimpse of the black eye.

A shiver of fear ran through me. My uncle had beat her. That part was obvious. But my fear was for myself. When he was in a rage, everything was fair game. I guess to a hammer, everything looks like a nail.

"Where's my uncle?" I asked her.

She shook as she pointed towards their bedroom. That was fantastic. I knew what kind of arsenal hung out in that room. But, it was better to get beat for coming across the mess, than to have him debate on killing you for not staying.

When I entered the bedroom, I found what I least expected. My uncle was laying across the bed, sprawled out. He looked like he'd been tossed in the ring with Mike Tyson for a free for all round. That was the point when I decided to check out the rest of the house for anyone else who may have stayed behind, but I couldn't find anyone. I closed the front door and tended to his girlfriend first. We cleaned up her cuts and scratches and got some ice for her eye. I wasn't about to help out my uncle until I found out what went down.

She was still crying but she managed to get out what I wanted to hear. "I miscounted when we were packing the little baggies."

She was talking about the E.

"And he flew off the handle," she sobbed. "He told me how it was his ass on the line, and he wasn't going to go down for my mistake."

I nodded, I knew that all too well. Hell, I'd had my fair share of beatings.

"So did you do that to him?" I asked her. If she did, I was impressed. But I wouldn't want to be her when he come to.

She shook her head. "No, some guys came barreling in the door and beat him up. They said something about he screwed up an order, and next time he's dead."

That caught my attention. A screwed up order? As far as I knew, his last order was the one that I delivered. And if I messed up, I was as good as dead. My uncle doesn't work with 'dead weight' which is what I'd be. And, if he didn't give me the beating of a life time, the crew that got screwed over would. Or worse, I could be gang raped.

"I don't want to stay here," she was crying hysterically now. Her entire body shaking.

I glanced down at my hands and I couldn't keep them still either. She had me scared to death now. I didn't want to be there. In fact, if it was my fault, I wasn't coming back here ever. Not that it'd matter. Someone would find me.

"Then leave," I told her seriously. "Leave now, but make sure you go far enough away that he won't bother to keep looking for you."

"I can't," she continued crying. "I have nothing, no family, and no money. I don't even have enough to stay in a hotel for a few days."

My heart was pounding in my chest. If I couldn't help myself, at least I could help her. I headed up to my room and grabbed the cash I had stashed. It was close to three grand. I gave her two. That would help her get far enough away. Plus I could make it all back in a couple of weeks.

She packed what little things she did have, and I got her out of there. While I debated on how to look after my uncle, my mother came home. Which made everything worse. She became hysterical.

"You little bitch, what did you do?" she yelled at me before running to my uncle's side and rolling him over.

"I just got home," I lied to her and pretended to care, while she woke him up.

There was an empty look in his eyes. One that relaxed me more than anything. At least they weren't still filled with rage. After we had him up, and talking he explained that he'd taken on a coke dealer, and was now dealing on the side. That's what he'd fucked up. Not me.

I breathed a sigh of relief. There's no greater fear in the world than knowing someone was going to kill you. At the moment, I didn't have to worry about that anymore.

"You're still going to Jo's tonight," he informed me as he held a bag of ice to his head.

I nodded. "Yes."

"Where is Jackie?" my mom asked.

Assuming she was talking to me I shrugged. "I don't know, haven't seen her," I lied. I wasn't about to admit to helping my uncle's girlfriend run off.

"Fuckin bitch just about got me into worse trouble," my uncle frowned. "Maybe she won't come back."

That made me feel better. At least he wasn't hell bent on finding her.

"Well I should go get ready for tonight," I stood up from the table and my uncle nodded.

I left them at the kitchen table and hurried upstairs and changed into fishnets and a short jeans skirt. Then threw on a silk halter top. My best clothes, were for the drug deals. I wanted to look top notch.

Since our house had no land line, I used my cell to phone Dani and we agreed to meet at the Wet n' Wild club instead of going together. That was fine with me. I took a purse this time, placing the small packages of E in it and headed out the door.

When I got to the club, I was ushered to the front of the line like usual and let in free of charge. Just inside the door I found Dani waiting for me.

"Another deal tonight?" she asked me and I nodded.

"I'll be right back," I promised her and headed up to Jo's office. He didn't look impressed. Which scared me. I hoped he wasn't mad with me. But, again, if I didn't have bad luck, I wouldn't have any at all.

"I hear your uncle fucked up Myranda?" he approached me as I stood in the middle of the room between two very large men.

"I heard about it to," I informed him. How was I suppose to know he was dealing on the side.

"So is it safe to say, that if he fucked up one operation, he could fuck up mine?"

I did not want to answer that question. But he simply stared at me waiting. "Yeah I guess it's possible," hopefully honesty was the key to survival.

"And how do I know," he brushed his finger lightly over my cheek and grinned slyly. "That you're not alike."

I tried to turn my face away but he grabbed my chin and made me look at him. "I don't fuck around with deals, Myranda. I'm going to count everything from you now on. And mark my words, if you fuck up, I will kill you." He released my chin roughly and the guys escorted me to the door, basically pushing me out of it and slamming it behind me.

"Fuck," I muttered as I navigated my way down the stairs again. My uncle hadn't only screwed himself over, but me as well.

"You look like you need a drink," Dani noted when I finally found her near the bar.

I nodded and she slid a shot of Tequila towards me. "Drink that, I'm going to go find us a treat."

***

I ran my hands through my hair before placing my fedora back on my head. I was wearing some old jeans, a couple of belts, a white tshirt and some fingerless gloves. Though it was my usual attire, I felt uneasy beneath it. I wanted Myranda to be attracted. Which was weird. I was the take me or leave me type of guy.

I headed across the parking lot alone. The rest of the band and the girls had went to a club down the street. I hadn't been able to talk any of them into coming with me back to the Wet n' Wild club. Johnny had even went so far as to point out this was the most work I'd ever done to get laid before. And he was right. I guess the truth really does hurt.

The first time I was in the club I spent an hour or so, chatting with a few guys, drinking, dancing with a few chicks, and drinking some more. It was beginning to look like Myranda had ducked out on me. At that point, I headed back to the bus to grab some more cash.

As I headed from the bus back to the club and approached the door, I got lucky. Dani was standing outside on the phone. Well, she was screaming into the phone actually. And she slapped the cell shut when she saw me. "You!"

I glanced around me, making sure she was indeed talking to me. "Dani?" I asked even though I knew it was her. As I got closer I could tell she was on something. "What's wrong?" I was almost scared to ask.

She grabbed me by the wrist and hauled me into the club. She pulled me straight towards and into the ladies washroom before I even had a chance to protest. Inside was a normal, clean bathroom for a club. The exception was the group of girls huddling around a girl laying on the floor. It took me a moment to realise it was Myranda laying there, but it only took me a split second to drop down to her side and scoop her up in my arms.

"What the hell happened?" I yelled at Dani, but she was so messed up she couldn't get anything out.

"Syn?"

I glanced down at Myranda. Her eyes were open just enough to recognize me. My heart skipped a beat as I stared down at her. She was alive. My eyes fell to her arm which was hanging at her side. A fresh track mark held it's place on the inside of her elbow. I'd figured it was more than drinking that landed her in the hospital the first time.

"What are you doing here?"

I couldn't help but smile despite the scary situation. "I promised you I'd come see you," I admitted as I carried her out of the bathroom and out of the club.

The lights were on in the bus by the time I got back which meant the others were back from the other club.

"You can't bring her on the bus," Johnny protested as he stepped aside allowing me up the stairs even though it contradicted his statement.

I was carrying Myranda bridal style so I turned sideways as I navigated the narrow entrance. Matt was sitting on the couch, one leg propped up on the edge. He lowered his sun glasses to look at us.

"Why not?" I grumbled as I held her small hundred pound frame in my arms.

"Let's forget for a moment that she looks like a groupie whore," Matt stated coldly, his eyes wandering over Myranda's body and no doubt settling on her arm. "But she's also obviously a fuckin junkie."

He was probably right. In fact, I knew he was right. But I couldn't just leave her there. I may be a hard ass, but I have a consceince. And if anything happened to her, it would eat away at me.

"She needs help," I stated the obvious.

"Yeah, she does," Zacky spoke up. "But we're on tour man, and you're not a doctor. You can't fucking fix her."

Though their attitudes were understandable, they were getting on my nerves. If either of them were in my situation, they wouldn't leave her either.

"I bring chicks on the bus all the time. Why is this one any different?"

Val was now standing beside Matt with one arm crossed over her chest and her other hand over her mouth. She was staring at Myranda. She was worried, I could see it in her eyes. Not for herself, but for Myranda.

"Yeah but you bring chicks on the bus to fuck," Rev spun a drumstick between his fingers. "Then afterwards they leave. They don't get attatched."

Matt took off his hat and ran his fingers through his short hair. "She's going to be a fucking disaster to deal with."

I glanced down getting a closer look at Myranda's face. She'd been crying at one point. Her mascara had left an obvious trail down her cheeks. I pushed past everyone and headed back to the bunk area. She may be a mess, but for some reason, she had me. And I was going to help her.

"Listen, we have two more shows before we're done," I wasn't backing down to them. "She'll be my responsibility."