Really funny linkin park interview

NOTE: the quotes taken by Linkin Park are all real! Not all in the one interview and some mixed up but none of these are changed! Ohh and Rob is unusually quite as it is so don’t blame me…maybe he's sleeping?

[Kerrang! interviewer walks into a large room as the final fans exit through the doors, escorted by large bodyguards. She arrives at a table where Linkin Park sits. Names, handshakes and hellos are exchanged as she sits down and turns on a tape recorder]
Me: Oh my god, it's such a pleasure to meet you all!
[mutters of thanks]
Me: So. London O2 arena, thousands of adoring fans and just now the last of LPUnderground leaving the room in awe after meeting their idols. How do you guys feel?
Joe: My butt hurts! I've been sitting in this damn chair signing stuff all day for the last half an hour and they won't let me get up and walk around. Big old bodyguards say oooga booga!!
Me: [laughs] Ohh, poor Joe's ass! [Secretly much more interested in Chester's ass]
Joe: [laughs] I have an ass. It's a nice ass, though I don’t go around showing it off like Chester does all the time
Mike: Yeah, but you've shown it off once or twice
Joe: Yeah but that’s different, I'm not like Chester
Chester: Yea, I'm the ass-master!!!
Me: So Chester, bad much?
Joe: Chester has a fowl mouth
Chaz: FUCK, FUCK, FUCK!!!
Mike: Bagawk!!!!
Chaz: I said fuck not cluck [laughs]
Me: Let’s talk about your success. You've sold over a million records
Mike: We've sold over a million records?
Chaz: We did?
Me: Have you?
Mike: Woah!!
Me: [laugh] Whether or which how do you guys like fame?
Mike: [amazes expression] We’re famous?
Chaz: Are you sure?
Phoenix: Sub-famous
Mike: [bangs fist] That’s craptacular!!!
Me: [laughing harder] How'd the band come to be?
Mike: Chester and I met at a male strip club
Chaz: We were both trying to get jobs as dancers
Mike: And it didn’t work out…because my butt wasn’t big enough
Chaz: Yeah and I've got what they call the crispy cream which is a little fat area around my belly button which is kinda like a doughnut
Me: [laughs loudly] Wow, you two really get along. That’s great, there's too many bands splitting up because the members don’t get along
Chaz: [points to Mike] Well what it's come down to is that he's now my bitch
Mike: [points to himself and Chester] A lot had been made of the contrast between me and Chester because we are totally different in lots of ways. He's crazy for a start off. I'm sane. He used to run around at the age of two singing foreigner songs. I certainly didn’t. He’ll show you his butt. I wouldn’t inflict that on anybody. We learned pretty early on in this band that you can't have snobbery in music. Our guitarist is a huge fan of Britney Spears
Joe: I think Britney’s boobs are fake
Mike: Hehe boobies
Chaz: I like small boobies, small once are just right. Big ones are baaad. I'd be afraid that I'd get suffocated by them if they were too big
Me: So Chester, what's your plans for valentines day?
Chaz: Masturbation!
[All laugh]
Phoenix: [to me] Chester likes to grab his package like Michael Jackson
Mike: I didn’t know Chester had a package?
Joe: Yeah, it's somewhere down there
Me: Who has the most annoying habit in the band?
Chaz: I'd say I'm the most annoying. There's a reason for that
Mike: No!!
Brad: C’mon Chester!
Chaz: I'm always touching them in their privates
Brad: Yeah, Chester the molester
Me: Wow Chester, your really getting the sucky end of this.
Chaz: No leotard and cape under my clothes. I shit, I piss, I drink too much and throw up. Just like everybody else
Me: Do you have any wild stories or embarrassing moments to share while living on the road?
Mike: I almost ran over Chester with a golf cart when we were in Florida
Chaz: That was pure evil!!
Brad: [to me] Mike was covered in crap once; he had to strip down before we let him back on the bus because he smelt so bad.
Chaz: Then we attacked him with air freshener
Mike: [to me] Chester came back to the dressing room without his shoes or clothes or basically anything on him. He was like ‘You know what? People are so polite about taking my stuff that I gave it to them’
Joe: [bursts out laughing and points to a broken table and a TV] Mike got up and walked over there, looked up at the TV, sat on the table and broke it
Mike: I put my [laughs] I put my fat ass on the table and I broke it. Oh my god I'm so embarrassed
Joe: Now, are we taking apart the table and hiding it in the hopes that they don’t notice and make us pay for it?
Me: [laughs] That’s cheap Joe!
Joe: If it ain't broke, break it, then superglue it together. When your done, give it to a friend
Me: Any weird confessions to make? [Random Linkin Park Time]
Chaz: I think I'm the most important person……ever
Mike: I think Chester is full of himself and I think that’s really hot
Chaz: Sometimes at night you’re full of me too
Brad: [to me] Did you know that I hear voices?
Mike: He does and sometimes they speak to us too
Chaz: [to me] I’m a fashion bitch!!
Mike: [to me] Mike is so hot……..oops, I mean Joe
Chaz: [to me] Everyday when I get ready, I look in the mirror and say, over and over again ‘must become an action figure, must become an action figure’
Mike: [to me] I have a toothbrush……my toothbrush is sexy
Chaz: [to me] I'm a big dork
Mike: You have a big dork too
Chaz: Yes, I know
Brad: [to me] I want to know if Joe Hahn sleeps in the nude.
Chaz: Ohhh you would know wouldn’t you?
Mike: Ohh baby you know it
Me: [laughing loudly] Ok, ok! So…favorite book?
Mike: I'm not a very reading person. I like to look at pictures
Chaz: Mike likes porno
Mike: I don’t like porno, I like graphics
Me: Favorite colour?
Phoenix: My favorite colour is clear
Me: Ok, weird questions…have you ever considered cuddled with a popple or a wuzzle or even perhaps a madball while on stage?
Mike: No, but I've considered setting one on fire, extinguishing it with my urine, smashing it flat with my noggin and eating it with a side of Mongolian beef
Me: What do you think of all the little teenie boppers out there liking you for your looks and not your music?
Joe: They're not teenie boppers, there Linkie boppers
Me: [laughing] If forced by gunpoint by a militant mutant giraffes, would you do a tutu and sing Sea Shanty’s live on TV?
Mike: Sure. What colour tutu and would you sing with me?
Me: [laughs] Err, I don’t think so. So do you guys like to break stuff to relieve tension?
Joe: Mike likes to break glass tables
Mike: Joe likes to break wind
Brad: Ok! [breaks the two up] Let’s start addressing some serious issues, like oil drilling in the Gulf or Mike's hair or Joe's physique.
Me: Any odd obsessions?
Chaz: [mutters something about Jiggly puff]
Joe: What the hell is it with you and Jiggly Puff’s?
Chaz: What the hell is it with you and frogs?
Joe: Don’t disrespect the almighty froggie!
Chaz: I'm scared, should I run?!
Joe: Yes, very, very fast!!
Me: Hey, hey! Calm! So what do you think off all your fan sites?
Mike: We're not like other bands, you know. We actually visit out websites and care about out internet fans. We visit as many fan sites as possible
Joe: Yes and I like to send threatening emails to people
Phoenix: No you don’t!
Joe: Yes I do! Shhh, it's supposed to be a secret
Mike: [laughs] Well, www.linkinparkporn.com has been a very important part of our lives
Me: [laughing] You guys are mad! You guys are the buzz band!!
Mike: The buzz band?.....are we popular? Are we in the cheerleaders? We're gonna get pom-poms and yell out our names!
Me: If you want I guess. So, what's next for you guys? [More Random Linkin Park]
Brad: We'll be selling Linkin Park kittens next month. They have blue hair and lots of jewelry.
Mike: [to me] I'm gonna sprout wings outa my ass one day and fly around the world!
Chaz: Sounds like fun, can I join you?
Brad: [to me] I'm getting a new tattoo; it's going on Chester's left arm
Joe: I'm getting flames on my wrists
Brad: I'm getting Joe's on my flames
Mike: I'm getting water on my wrists
Brad: I'm getting wrists on my………I give up
Me: And in the long run?
Chaz: When I retire from music, I actually plan to become a pro wrestler. I'm gonna be the smallest wrestler in history and my manager is Mr. Hahn. We're called the sugar brothers. My professional move which takes down everybody is I just run around in circles until that, you know, the competition falls over from exhaustion…and then Joe comes in and pins them cause I'm too small and I run. See, and that’s how I'm going to take the championship. SUGAR BROTHERS!!!!...........sorry
Mike: Chester likes to show his butt. He wouldn’t have the tights that most wrestlers wear, he would have a G-string
Me: So, London? Any big plans?
Brad: Just chilling with Big Ben!
Me: But what’cha gonna do? A few drinky-poos?
Mike: We actually got a present from our record company out there, they greeted us with alcohol, cases of larger
Brad: Which is great cause some of us don’t really drink so it's nice, but like……
Me: Well this is London!
Brad: Well I'm not gonna drink it!
Mike: You'd better drink it or I'm gonna force it down your throat
Brad:…………it's like, great, vodka, thanks
Mike: Which means all the more for Joe
Joe: [waking up from a silent trance] YES I'M A WHORE!!!!!!
Mike: [from across the table] HEY JOE?!!
Joe: What?
Mike: GO AWAY!!!!
[All laugh]
Mike: [to me] You know those guards, with the hats? The ones that don’t move
Me: The guards at Buckingham palace?
Mike: Yeah, can you touch them?
Me: I think so
Mike: Can you like, stick your thumb up there butts they won't move?
Brad: At that point would they like, destroy you?
Me: Why'd you ask?
Joe: In America we have an ice-cream called a big stick and we wanna stick one of them up their asses
Me: …………………………can I go?
Mike: Sure thing
[All stand as Joe produces a handful of sagging paper]
Me: What’cha going there Joe?
Joe: well, I got some wet toilet paper here. I'm gonna throw it at pedestrians
[all laugh and leave the room in high spirits] [Interview terminated]