Chasing Fireflies

All the books I’ve read, all the movies I’ve seen, all the stories I’ve heard--none of those could have prepared me for the actual feeling of realizing I was in love with my best friend.

I’m in love with my best friend. I’m in love with Pat.

I couldn’t get the thought out of my head. All the books, movies, and stories describe this moment as ‘huge.’ And man are they right. This realization seemed to come out of nowhere, like I told Rebecca. But deep down, I knew this realization was a long time coming. That’s how they always are, right? You’ve felt it for so long, but you’ve been afraid to admit it, afraid it would ruin everything.

Because it could; it could ruin everything. It could ruin my friendship with Pat. It could ruin my friendship with the rest of the band. It could ruin the band. Oh God! Why did this realization have to come now? Now, when the band just got signed? Now, when everyone is so damn happy (except me)? Now, when I have to be with Pat for the next who knows how many days, weeks, months? We just graduated, and with the band taking off, none of the boys are going to college. And me, well, I’m taking a year off from school, just testing the waters. The boys said that if things go well I can sell merch for them. So either the band takes off and I sell merch and forget college, or I go back to college after a year.

Either way, none of us (except maybe Rebecca and Stacey) are in any hurry to get back to Arizona. Which means we can stay in New York as long as John’s aunt needs us to. Which sucks because now I have to act like nothing is wrong, like nothing has changed, like I don’t have these utterly massive, romantic, way-more-than-friendly feelings for Pat, my best friend in the whole world, who I’ve never felt awkward around before in my whole life, ever, at all.

And you know what? This whole deal would be a whole lot easier if everyone would stop asking me if I’m alright. Ever since Jared had to pull over the car, it has been pandemonium in this van. Every single person (minus Rebecca, because she knows why I’m acting this way) has been asking me non-stop if I’m okay. And every time I answer the same way: “Yes, I’m fine.”

But it appears no one believes me. So when Jared asks again if I’m okay, I snap. “Yes, Jared! I’m a-fucking-okay, alright! Now just shut your damn mouth and keep driving!”

Jared’s eyes widen and he starts to say something, but he thinks better of it and shuts his mouth. I’m afraid to look around the van, already knowing what everyone’s expressions look like. I keep my head faced forward and hope that no one says anything else, unless it’s to change the subject.

Thankfully, Kennedy does just that. “So, Jared? How much farther on this loooong, loooooooooooong road before the next gas station, or rest stop, or whatev?”

Jared motions for me to get the map, and while it makes me a little happy to see that he’s still interacting with me, it hurts to think that he’s afraid to speak to me. That is certainly not what I wanted to come across as: some bitch who can’t keep control of her emotions. I lean over and pick up the map, handing it to Jared with a small smile. He returns the small smile and it gives me hope. I’ve known Jared for too long to have forgotten that he doesn’t hold grudges. It’s obvious he knows that something is up, everyone probably can tell, but out of everyone, Jared is the one that I can hold accountable for never giving up on me.

Jared takes a peek at map, going from the map, then to the road, then back to the map. He continues this for a few minutes. “I’d say at least another half an hour.”

Kennedy sighs, but says no more.

I feel a tap on my shoulder. I turn around and see a smiling Pat holding out a Capri Sun. I smile back and grab it before turning around. I quickly look out the window, not wanting Jared, or anyone for that matter, to see the immediate blush that has come across my face. I need to keep that in check, make sure it doesn’t happen again, or the guys will find out soon enough, and I don’t want that. I don’t want anyone to know, besides Rebecca. I’m still coming to term with how strong my feelings are, and for someone else to know would confuse everything even more. I wouldn’t be able to handle that. If I’m not ready to face the reality myself yet, then no good can come out of other people knowing.

I slowly take the yellow straw out of it’s plastic wrapper and punch the sharper end into the hole. I take a little sip and am suddenly reminded of how the Capri Sun works into my realization. I think back to what I said to Rebecca, and then back to what I was just thinking about Jared.

I was wrong, I admit to myself. Jared isn’t the only one I can depend on to never give up on me. Pat is the same way, maybe even more so. I look at the Capri Sun in my hand. To some, it may be just a fruity drink, but to me… well let’s just say I’ll never be able to look at a Capri Sun the same way again. To me, a Capri Sun will never be just a drink; to me, a Capri Sun will forever be a symbol of friendship, of caring, of giving, all from my best friend, Pat.

It’s kind of crazy to think how such a simple thing, a thing that just a moment ago meant nothing more than any other object surrounding you, can become something so much bigger than you ever imagined it to be. It can mean something so much larger than you ever meant it to mean.

That little pouch of juice gave me my answer: don’t tell Pat. I have something so great right now; I have a best friend that will do anything to make me happy. Why would I want to risk losing that? I’ll just have to fight my feelings, I guess. There is no way Pat will ever find out. It wouldn’t be right. It wouldn’t be right.

It wouldn’t be right, I keep repeating.

I repeat it in my head until I lull to sleep.