Lack of Color.

Erin.

The smell of alcohol and smoke was the first thing that met my nose, making my head hurt a bit more than it should. I looked over at Tim pouring shots for whoever wanted them. Memories running through my head, memories I wish could just leave me alone. I walked over grabbing a shot from my brother.

“Salute baby sister!”

I clanked the shot glass against his before throwing it back; at this point it felt as though it was nothing but water. I reached over for the small bottle of Jaeger, taking it in my hand and walking outside on the little bench in the backyard. Thankful there wasn’t many people outside with me, so I wouldn’t feel like a complete loser taking swigs of this bottle alone. I took a couple of swigs, just staring off into the sky. It wasn’t for long until I felt someone sitting down next to me. I didn’t have to look over to know who it was.

“What do you want John?”

He didn’t say anything, just kept silent looking ahead. I looked over at him and saw he was holding the same bottle of Jaeger in his hand.

“Can you leave me alone?”
“Why?”
“You know why, I can’t stand looking at you.”

He just looked down before taking another big swig from his bottle. I watched as he got up and walked away. I pulled my legs into my body, feeling like a complete asshole. I reached into my pockets, grabbing the cartoons of cigarettes. I placed one in my mouth, before reaching into my pocket.

“Fuck.”
“When did you start smoking?”

I looked up seeing Garrett handing me a lighter. I just shrugged before lighting up the cigarette, inhaling the sweet smoke. I handed him back the lighter with a smile.

“Thanks kid.”
“You’re only two years older than me”, he said taking a seat next to me. “Plus i think I’m way more mature than you.”
“Nope.”
“Am too!”

I just laughed before taking another drag, blowing the smoke up. I grabbed the bottle, placing it to my lips, letting the dark liquid go down my throat.

“I don’t know how you can just drink it like that?”

“It tastes like medicine”, I said with a shrug making him laugh.

I looked inside the glass windows, seeing John sitting on the couch all alone. The bottle in his hand looking like it was completely empty. His glazed eyes and the sweat building up on his face, my heart broke. John was always the life of the party, always with the jokes and the random dances. I looked over at Garrett and he was staring at the same exact things as I was.

“Is he always like that?”
“It’s kind of on and off, but he’s always drinking.”

I shook my head taking a sip of the almost empty bottle. Garrett turned from John back to me. I finished the last drop of the bottle, placing it on the floor with a thud. He wrapped his arm around me pulling me close to him.

“We all miss her Erin.”

I just nodded, holding back tears. I stayed in Garrett’s embrace a little longer before throwing my cigerate down on the floor and walking back in. Stumbling through the living room, dodging the groups of people, back to the kitchen where the bottles were.

“Don’t you think you had enough?”

I looked over at my older brother with a smirk before shaking my head and making myself another drink. He just rolled his eyes letting me go ahead and drink myself to oblivious, the only reason I would drink anymore. I took the cup walking back outside, but once I went through those doors I saw that my bench was occupied by a very drunk John slumped over holding his head. I heard him sniffle back tear once he heard my footsteps getting closer. He looked up and me and then looked away. I looked down at the picture frame that was rested next to him. Emily and I hugging each other with the biggest smile on our faces as John and Halvo stood behind us with peace signs.

“That was the night of the awkward double date, you guys thought it was a good idea to try and hook Halvo and I up. Big mistake”, I said with a laugh thinking back to that night. That night we sat there for hours, Emily hoping to see sparks between Halvo and I, bust instead we just played wingman for the hot waiter and waitresses, ended up best friends that night.

“Emily was so mad.”
“She still thought you and Halvo made a cute couple, but I tried to tell her that you guys were horrible together.”
“You fucked up there, never argue with Emily.”
“She’s always right and if you forgot she would remind you”, he said looking up at me with a smile.

I let my guard down for a second before looking down at John with pure disgust, the alcohol taking control of my anger towards him. He noticed my change of expression and just looked back down at the picture frame in his hand.

“Why didn’t you go John?”
“I couldn’t”, he said simply.
“Why couldn’t you fucking go to your girlfriends funeral? “
“I couldn’t bare it seeing her like that.”

“Complete bullshit, John. No one wanted to see her like that but we all went. We all sat in those seats, we all said our goodbyes, except you. Have you even gone to her fucking grave?”

“No.”
“Please tell me you saw her parents, her little brother?”

He just looked up at me with such sadness in his eyes, pissing me off even more. I rolled my eyes, holding ever ounce of my drunken anger not to punch him square in the jaw.

“Of course not John, you’re fucking pathetic!”

I walked away from him, trying my hardest not to go back and fucking kill him. I walked straight to my room, tears filling my eyes. Anger was getting too much and the alcohol was not resting well in my stomach. The overwhelling amount of emotions that were coming over me was making it harder not to puke all over the place. I ran to the bathroom, emptying out my stomach into the toilet. Once I was done, I stumbled up to the sink, washing out my mouth and my face. The make up that was once caked on my face smearing down my face. I tried my hardest to clean it all off at my drunken stage. But instead I ended up crawling on the floor, knees to my chest and the tears falling down my face on my jeans. Why did he have to come back and fuck everything up?