Lack of Color.

Erin.

I laid there, feeling the tears storming down my face. I sat there in the corner of the shower, legs pulled up to my chest. I looked over at the razor that was on the shower floor, thoughts of what I could do with it racing through my head. The violent shakes that went through my body made it harder to remain calm; I was the furthest from being calm. I grabbed the sharp razor and just looked down on it. My thoughts were racing. Thinking how much it would hurt, wondering if I cut in the right spot how long would it take for me to just die. I heard a knock on the door, making my head pop up in fear.

“Erin, hurry up!”

I couldn’t open my mouth, but I just stared at the razor, my sight blurry through the water and the tears.

“Erin? Come on, I need to pee and Tim is in the other bathroom taking a shit. Mom’s in her shower and I’m going to pee in my pants.”

“Coming”, I felt myself spit out.

I threw the razor on the floor, before stepping out of the shower. My eyes burning, from the tears that was still falling from my eyes. I wrapped a towel around myself and walked out seeing Pat standing there holding himself. He pushed passed me and slammed the door. I kept walking to my room, holding up the towel that was wrapped around me. I got to my room, not bothering to lock my door and sat at the edge of my bed. That’s when it hit me, what the fuck was I thinking? I placed my head in my hands, and cried. I felt it was getting harder and harder to breathe but I kept crying.

“Erin.”

I felt someone sit down next to me, grabbing me into their arms. I could smell John’s relaxing scent. I grabbed on to his shirt, not caring that my towel was falling. I gripped his shirt, holding him closer as I cried harder.

“Calm down Erin, its okay. Calm down”, I heard him say, choking back tears as he rubbed my bare back.

I finally got myself together, whipping the tears from my face. I saw the tears in his eyes and it hurt my heart even more. I gave him a weak smile, before apologizing for my sudden break down. The towel was around my waist, pulled all the way down and John didn’t even look down. Instead he just looked into my eyes, pulling the towel over me covering my breast. I felt his hands on my face, pushing back my hair before kissing my forehead.

“Get dressed.”

“Huh?”

“Get ready, I’ll meet you downstairs.”

With that he walked out of the room. I dried up my tears, before getting dressed. Once I was dressed and ready I walked down the stairs seeing John sitting there with Pat and Tim playing video games. John saw me in the corner of his eye and smiled over at me.

“Ready?”

“Yeah”, I said still skeptical.

“Let’s go.”

“Where are you taking my sister?” Pat asked pausing the game.

“It’s a surprise.”

They both looked from John and I, confused face. I just shrugged and followed John to his car. We got in his BMW and he started to drive off. I sat there, hands in my lap looking out the window. In some sort of daze that I didn’t notice that we were at the Zoo, I shot a look over at John who was grinning. I got comfortable in the seat while we got through the parking lot. We got out of the car, biggest smile on my face. He went in the trunk pulling out a backpack, putting it on his back. The nice camera on hanging around his neck.

“The Zoo?”

“I know you love the Zoo.”

“I do, a lot”, I said looking over at him with a smile.

He got the tickets and we walked through, grabbing the map with a big smile on my face looking at all the places to go.

“Where to first?”

“The flamingos!”

“Come on”, he said with a laugh.

We walked all around, and every now and then taking pictures together. But I would catch him taking pictures of me. We walked around, never been so happy in my life. We posed in front of the Lions, the old couple taking the camera in their hands. John put an around my shoulders as I wrapped mine around his waist. We smiled for the camera, both showing off our nicely straighten teeth, two years of agony for these teeth. I looked over at John smiling up at him as another picture was taken.

“You guys are an adorable couple.”

“Um were-“

“Thank you”, John said with a smile taking the camera from them.

We walked off to the grass area taking a seat with the backpack set in front of us. He pulled out sandwiches, and I couldn’t help but to smile as he passed one to me. Then pulled out bags of chips, grapes and Capri suns. I sat there in awe, looking at the little lunch he had. He stopped putting the Doritos in his sandwich and looked up at me with a laugh.

“What? It’s good.”

“I know”, I said pointing to the sandwich on my lap with Doritos in them. “I was just shocked that you did this.”

“Did what?”

“Took me to the Zoo and made a lunch for us.”

“Just thought it would be fun to go to the zoo, plus I know how much you love it here. And the lunch, I just figured we’d get hungry and it’s expensive to eat here.”

“I’ve never had someone do this for me.”

“Take you to the Zoo and make you lunch?”

“No one except my parents.”

“Well I’m glad to be the first”, he said with a laugh taking another bite of his sandwich. “None of your boyfriends have? Weren’t you with Matt for like a year?”

“We were together for two months, and we never did shit like this. It was strictly sex”, I said watching John choke on his sandwich making me laugh.

“What?”

“Matt and I just had sex that was about it. I don’t really do relationships, have you ever noticed?”

“No”, he said with a grin. “I always thought you just liked being single.”

“Yeah, I wasn’t the relationship type that was Emily and apparently you”, I said looking up at him as his smile faded away. “Oh shit, I didn’t mean to say that. I’m sorry, it’s just I don’t know-“

“It’s fine Erin, really”, he said smiling at me. “I just figured guys would fall for you, you’re an amazing girl.”

“Guys don’t fall in love with me, they fall in lust.”

“Well love evolves from lust. I mean when I first saw Emily I wanted to fuck her, but I fell in love.”

“I see”, I said looking down, for some reason my stomach was in a knot. I was getting jealous.

“You’ll find someone”, he said with a smile looking into my eyes.

I think I already have.