Beside You

“Hello?”

I swallowed against the lump in my throat and spoke into the mouthpiece of the phone. “Hi, Mrs Jason,” I said slowly.

“Oh my God, Maddie,” she whispered emotionally. “How are you doing? I’m so sorry about what happened!”

“It wasn’t your fault,” I told her. “I’m doing okay.”

“I was so glad to hear you woke up and that you’re doing well considering everything that happened,” she continued. “We’re all so worried about you.” Except for Matt...

“Thank you,” I replied sincerely. “So, uhm, I actually wanted to talk to Matt, if that’s possible...” He hadn’t answered when I'd called on his cell phone, so I had tried his parents’ phone now.

For a moment she was quiet. “I don’t know what’s with him, Maddie,” she said softly. “I’ll see if I can find him.”

“Thank you, Mrs. Jason.” I hoped that she wouldn’t just go and ask him if he wanted to talk to me, but actually hand him the phone so he’d at least be forced to say two words for me before he potentially hung up.

“Hello?” Matt’s deep voice was on a few moments later and again I had to swallow against the lump in my throat.

“Hi Matt,” I said quietly, closing my eyes, and prayed that he wouldn’t just hang up.

“Maddie,” he whispered much like his mother had.

“Please don’t hang up,” I pleaded. “I just want to talk to you for a little bit.”

“I’m pretty sure your family told you about everything,” he said simply. “I’m sorry, but I just can’t.”

“But... I just don’t understand! I’m awake now and I’m going to be just fine! How could just give up on me like that?” It broke out from within me and I just couldn’t stop myself. “I didn’t die and I’m going to be okay!”

“I know, I heard,” he stated like it didn’t matter to him at all. “I'm glad you’re going to be okay, Madison, but it’s over.”

“Because I had an accident that reminded you of your cousin? It’s not my fault! Why are you just-“

“I don’t expect you to understand it, Maddie. I'm sorry.” With that he hung up.

Left behind was a broken-hearted me that just couldn’t understand what he was doing. I put the phone down and crawled back into my uncomfortable hospital bed, pulling the blankets over my head. With my face pressed into the pillow I let my tears have free reign. This hurt so damn much, but still I wanted him, still I liked him. Love sucks.

.

“What’s with the long face, Mads?” I lifted my head a little and saw Marc coming in with Mike and Derek.

“Men suck,” I declared, putting my head back down in the pillow that I had moved to the other end of the bed just because I felt like it.

“Hey,” Marc and the other two gave me frowns. “No, wait, does this have to do with Matt?”

“Uh huh,” I hummed. “Can you get Dubi and Prusty to beat him up for me?”

“Why not me?” he looked slightly insulted.

“I’ve seen the punches you throw,” I rolled my eyes and Mike and Derek laughed.

“Atta girl,” Mike grinned, bumping fists with me. “Who’s this Matt guy?”

“Dude, shut up,” Marc gave him a dark look, but I just sighed.

“My ex-boyfriend,” I explained sadly.

“Who’s an asshole who couldn’t be bothered sticking around while she was in the coma,” Marc added angrily.

“Hey, I’m sure if you call your other brothers’ teammates, you’ll get a bigger group together,” Mike suggested.

“I like your thinking,” I told him and sat up. “Okay, next topic.”

They stayed for a little bit and served as good distraction from my otherwise consistently boring day. Rehab, texting with Abby and other friends and family members, hanging out with my parents and crying over Matt wasn’t that exciting. Any of the Rangers always made for some good fun. Eventually they had to leave though.

“I’ll see you tomorrow, okay?” Like always Marc gave me a tight hug and kissed my forehead. “I’ll bring you a couple of hats, yeah?”

“Please,” I nodded and kissed him on the cheek. “Bye, DStep,” I said to Derek then.

“See you soon, Maddie, get better,” he told me nicely. Marc and Derek walked off, but Mike lingered around a bit.

“I’ve got something for you,” he said when they were gone. “I saw it the other day and remembered how you said you don’t like how your hair looks... It may be a little too cancer-patient-ish, but yeah...” He handed me a small plastic bag from which I extracted a silk scarf.

“That’s really, really nice, Mike. The scarf is beautiful,” I beamed, running my fingers over the soft material. “Thank you.”

“I just saw it and thought of you,” he told me sheepishly. “Glad you like it.”

“I do,” I nodded and sloppily wrapped it around my head. “How do I look?”

“Great,” he smiled. “See you soon, Mads.”

“Bye, Mike.”

.

.

Ma-arc, come take me to the park! I text-whined to my brother, dying of boredom. I was allowed to go outside for a while every day, fresh air was good the docs had said, but I was sick of the roof terrace and the small park by the hospital. I was sick of everything here.

get mom or dad to take u, I got stuff to do came Marc’s reply shortly after and I let out a grunt.

are you home? I tried another brother, hoping that maybe I could at least get someone on skype.

no, sorry :( call tonight? Jordan replied mere seconds later.

definitely, I’m so bored I might cry :(

Jordan: shit, that sucks. Pester Marc?

Me: team stuff

Jordan: mom and dad?

Me: made them go on a lunch date and spend afternoon together...

Jordan: sweet, but sucks for u... other friends around nyc?

Me (to Mike): please help me stay alive by killing my boredom by taking me to the park?

Mike: wow, dramatic. Sure!

Me (to Jordan): you are a genius!

Jordan: thx thx. C u tonight :) love u!

Me: Love you too :)

While I waited for Mike to get there, I thought about how different Jordan and I were now. We talked at least twice a week and texted all through it. A lot of the conversations were initiated by him and he always told me he loved me now. At first I found it really strange and believe me, Abby was still firmly holding her grudge, but now I tried to embrace it.

I hadn’t seen Jordan since I woke up, so our heart-to-heart had been on the phone. There was no other conversation that I could remember in my life that had been this tense. It didn’t take much for me to cry, but so did he. Most of the things I'd always wanted to tell him, I’d now had an opportunity to tell him. It’d felt like every second word that left his mouth was ‘sorry’, but I could tell he meant it. We didn’t get it through in one sitting, it was just too much and there were still things to be worked through, but if we could freely talk and tell each other we loved each other now, in my book that was golden. It finally felt like I had four brothers, not three.

Everyone except me was skeptic about this development, some more, some less. Mom was excited things were going so well, so was Dad, but my father was still apprehensive. Marc didn’t believe a word Jordan was saying, Eric was keeping neutral for now and Jared was carefully joyful, but concerned that I'd get hurt again. Abby still hated Jordan’s guts, she kept telling me I was too forgiving and that eventually the shock of the accident would wear off and he’d change again. With all my might I wanted to believe it wasn’t so. I had to believe in the positive, because otherwise I would drown in the negative.

“Ready to go?” Mike popped into the room, giving me a smile.

“Ready to go,” I confirmed and followed him outside. Central Park was a good twenty minute walk from the hospital, which wasn’t much in New York standards, but to a girl who’d been in a coma for a while and was still on recovery it felt like a world journey almost.

“A bench, thank the Lord!” I joked and sat down. Mike laughed and took a seat next to me. It was still cold in New York and we were bundled up tightly. Around my head was the silk scarf he’d given me, although I should have worn a toque.

“How are you doing, Mads?” he asked me and I just shrugged. “What’s up?”

“I just want to go home,” I admitted slowly. “I’m sick of being in that hospital and all the prodding and testing and shit... I feel fine.”

“It’s just a precaution so-“

“I know,” I cut him off and let out a sigh. “Sorry.”

“Nah, don’t worry,” he waved me off. “I’m sure it’s more annoying than I can imagine.”

“Which is why it’s great to have friends who take you out to the park,” I grinned at him and he smiled back.

“The scarf looks good on you,” he told me then.

“It does make me look a little cancer patient-ish, but I like it,” I nodded. “Thanks again.”

“You’re welcome.”

“Abby cut off her hair, too.”

“Seriously?!” He looked at me with such wide eyes that I had to laugh. “Wow.”

“I know, right? I couldn’t ask for a better best friend.”

“Sounds about right,” Mike nodded and stood up. “Come on, let’s walk a little so you won’t get cold.” He offered me his arm and I looped mine around it quickly.

Tucked into Mike’s side like that and moving around I quickly quit being cold. Sometimes he was quite the chatterbox and today he told me about anything and everything. I mostly listened, but sometimes I couldn’t keep from making smart comments that made both of us laugh. I had a great time.

“So... this Matt guy...?” I was pretty sure he wasn’t the only Ranger who was curious about my ex, but Marc was probably keeping mum on it.

“He doesn’t want to talk to me ever again,” I offered weakly. “Guess I’m too damaged now.”

“No, Maddie, you’re not,” Mike was quick to assure me.

“I have a giant scar on my head and my hair’s all gone, very pretty,” I rolled my eyes but I knew that wasn’t the reason Matt had broken up with me. No matter which way I turned it, I just didn’t understand.

“You’re still beautiful, Madison.” Something in Mike’s tone made me listen and look up. He was looking back at me with a serious expression on his face and something in his eyes that I couldn’t place.

“I-“ He shook his head, cutting me off without words.

“You are,” he said firmly and I blinked a few times. It felt like slow motion when he reached out and gently took my cold hand into his. His hand was warm as it softly squeezed mine and I could feel my heart beat harder and faster in my chest. I squeezed his hand back and a smile came to his face, putting one on mine as well.

For the rest of our walk my hand stayed in his, toasty warm twisted between his warm fingers in his coat pocket. Every now and then he’d brush his thumb over my skin or squeeze lightly and every time it caused the same funny feeling in my stomach.

.

The aftermath of my walk with Mike wasn’t pretty. My parents were upset I hadn’t told them, Marc was enraged I hadn’t told him and our parents and if I could have been grounded, I would have been. I hoped Marc wasn’t going to take it out on Mike too bad, but it wasn’t his fault because I hadn’t told him I technically wasn’t supposed to leave the hospital without a family member with me. All in all it didn’t matter.

That night I lay in my awesome hospital bed and thought about Mike and our walk and mostly our hands. You’re still beautiful, Madison. For the first time since I woke up I felt that I could maybe believe it.