Under The Tunnel, Holding My Breath

I tried my best not to think about what would happen next. I knew what was going to happen and I sure did not like it. I looked over at the man lying next to me, a smile place on his face. I knew he would never love me. I knew that if I left, it wouldn't matter to him. I was just someone to help him fall asleep at night.

I also knew that I would never leave him. Because I knew that even though he didn't love me, I would always love him. Looking back on my life, there are very few times in which I was not in love with him.

I slowly got out of bed, making sure I wouldn't wake him in the process. I got in the shower and turned on the water as cold as I could possibly stand it. I showered quickly, knowing that I needed to be home before my sister woke up.

I left the house, having gone back and kissing Spencer one last time before I left. I drove as fast as my broken down car would take, which wasn't fast at all. It was almost seven in the morning, and my sister did not enjoy sleeping in past the hour of seven, no matter what.

She had never approved of Spencer. Even back when we first met him – she was only ten at the time – she thought he was annoying and weird looking. Let's just say that when she found out that the two of us had started "dating" – if you can call it that – she looked as if she was going to kill Spencer or kill myself.

I drove into the driveway and rushed over to the door. As I opened it, I prayed Lily would be sleeping, that she wouldn't have noticed that I had been gone yet another night since Spencer had returned.

I entered the house and let out a sigh of relief. All I had to do was walk about ten feet down the hall, enter my room and then I was home free! I walked down the hall and grabbed onto the door handle. And then I--

"Where have you been?" Lily asked calmly as she tapped her fingers and the wall nearest to her.

I looked at her, knowing how pointless it would be to lie. She knew that I was at Spencer's. This was all just a formality, to see if I would tell her the truth. So I did. "Spencer's," I said, my voice cracking under the pressure.

Then she blew up. You know how in the second Harry Potter book/movie, Mrs. Weasly blows up at Ron, Fred, and George for stealing the Ford Angelina to rescue Harry? Multiply her rage by a thousand, and that was how Lily was currently acting.

After she was done blowing up on me, she calmly asked, her voice hoarse from yelling so much, "Why?" I looked at her and raised an eyebrow. She had never asked me 'why' before. "Why do you keep coming back to him? Why do you sleep around with him when you know he doesn't love you?" She paused for a moment, keeping her mouth open, signaling she still had more to say. "Why do you love him?"

I just looked at her, wide eyed, not sure how to answer her questions. "I'd do anything for him because I love him. As to why I love him, how could I not? He is so funny and so nice and so amazing and so talented and--"

"And he's using you," Lily interjected. I just glared at her, even though I knew she was right. Knowing that she was right just made it worse. I opened the door to my room, knowing there was no point in arguing with her.

"Michelle." I turned around and looked at her, but didn't say a word. "I...I just don't want to see you hurt."

"It's a little too late for that now, isn't it?" And with that, I slammed the door, laid down on my bed, and cried myself to sleep.Again.

x/X\x

Five hours later, I was awakened by the soft plunking sound of someone lying down next to me. I thought it was Lily, coming to bother me some more about Spencer. "Go away," I said, digging my head into my pillow.

"No," a voice said that was obviously not Lily's. It was too manly to be so, even though she did have a pretty manly voice. I looked up, wondering who had decided it would be a good idea to bother me while I was trying to sleep. I was greeted by Ryan Ross, no smile place on his face. Did he ever smile? I should have known.

"Go away, Ryan!" I yelled, throwing my pillow at his face.

"No," he said sternly once more. "We're going to go get ice cream." He pulled me out of bed and out the door to his car.

"I get to drive then," I told him. He threw me the keys with a shrug as we got into the car. We drove in silence. I was too mad at him for waking me up to say anything to him. Plus, I'm an absolutely horrible driver when I'm talking and not paying attention.

We got to Cold Stone and ordered our ice cream. We decided to leave the car and just walk around some. We didn’t say anything for the longest time. Then all of a sudden Ryan said, "We need to talk about Spencer."

My jaw dropped and eyes widened. "Did Lily put you up to this?" I asked, thinking it was the most reasonable solution. Ryan had never really cared much about the fact we were together.

Ryan laughed. "No, I haven’t talked to Lily in ages. How is she doing?"

"She's getting married, you know?" Ryan just nodded, a somber look on his face. "If you would have asked her out back in high school, she would have said yes."

Ryan didn’t say a word, just looked at me, obviously not knowing what to say. Moments past, only the sound of traffic and ice cream being eaten filled my ears. "So, Michelle, when are you going to tell Spencer you love him?"

I looked at him, alarmed. I took a few deep breaths to calm down and then asked, "Is it that obvious?"

Ryan, who had just taken a bit of ice cream, tried his best to smile. Once he had swallowed all of his ice cream, he said, "I've known you for, like, ten years; I think I can tell when you're in love. Especially when it's with one of my best friends."

"Spencer obviously can't," I retorted. Ryan smiled at the comment, trying not to laugh.

"Spencer is a little slow, as I'm sure you know." The two of us laughed. Spencer really was a little slow, especially when it came to love and that kind of stuff. It took him three years before he even noticed that this one girl liked him. And she had dropped so many hits; it was pathetic and annoying.

"Maybe if he would just grow a beard, then he would start acting like he was older." I paused for a moment, picturing Spencer with a beard. I started shaking my head like crazy. "No, never mind, Spencer with a beard is not a good picture, trust me on that."

Ryan gave me a weird look. "How about me? Should I grow a beard? Maybe Brendon should, too. And I know Jon would, he had a beard in this one dream I had. Then again, he was also in a bear suit and dancing around my bed…"

I started laughing like crazy. Once I was done, I pictured both Ryan and Brendon with beards. It was the worst thing I had ever seen. "My eyes! Er, I mean, my mind!" I yelled, trying to get the horrible images out of my head. I thought I would try imagining Jon with a beard, because if Ryan said it was good looking, then it probably was.

Thankfully, it was and I was able to stop thinking about Spencer, Ryan, or Brendon with beards. "You were right, Jon does looks sexy with a beard." Ryan smirked knowingly.

"But back to the point, when are you going to tell Spencer? We do leave to tour some more in two weeks." I nodded, taking another bite of my melting ice cream. "You never know what'll happen."

"Yeah, I do," I mumbled to myself, looking at the ground. I flashed Ryan a smile, hoping it would stop him from worrying about me so much. He was almost too nice for his own good. People used to take advantage of him. No one does anymore, because they know if they do, they'll have to answer to Brendon. And no one wants to do that.