Under The Tunnel, Holding My Breath

It was two days before Spencer and the rest of Panic! left for another tour. I had gone over to Spencer's five more times since the day I had spent with Ryan. Two of the nights we did nothing but talk about everything that we could—other than us. We talked about shoes and ice cream, Dir En Grey and Bless the Fall, tomorrow and yesterday, and, of course, him, the band, and the tour.

But we never spoke about us. It was understood that it was an off limits subject. The fourth night I stayed there was the best, though. We were lying down on his bed, his arms wrapped around me, as we watch Titanic simply because it was on TV. I fell asleep in his arms, my head on his chest, and 'My Heart Will Go On' playing in the background.

I was going over to Spencer's one last time before he left. The last night that he would be here, there was going to be a huge party with everyone. I was so excited to be able to hang out with them all again, I was just hoping that something would happen between Ryan and Lily before he left and she was married.

My last night with Spencer wasn’t what I had hoped it would be. We had run out of things to talk about, no good movies were on TV, and so we screwed around. Afterwards, Spencer fell asleep quickly, but I lied awake, unable to sleep.

I was thinking over all the reasons I loved Spencer. All the reasons why I didn’t want him to leave, why I was dreading tomorrow so much. I knew that tomorrow I needed to tell him I loved him. I almost just wanted to wake him up and tell him, let him now for now and forever. However, I did not.

I just waited until I fell asleep, looking at the ceiling and wishing for what could have been. If only things were different, if only the man that I loved was able to tell that I loved, was able to love me that same way I love him. If only, if only.

I didn’t bother waking up early the next morning. I had told Lily the night before that I was going to Spencer's. She didn’t even bother arguing with me, just told me to tell him and then left on her date with Damian.

I still woke up before Spencer, but instead of rushing out of the bed like normal, I just moved in closer to him, inhaling his scent. "I love you," I whispered softly, knowing that even if he was awake, he wouldn’t have been able to hear it anyways.

Spencer woke up about an hour later and rushed into the shower before I even had a chance to say anything. I put my clothes back on while he was showering, second thoughts about my plans of telling him running through my mind. I knew there was very little chance that he would love me back, but just knowing there was even a small chance made me scared of rejection.

Once he was out of the shower, Spencer walked back into the room, no clothes or towel on. "Have you seen my boxers?" I pointed to a pile of clothes on the floor, smiling. "Thanks. I'm surprised you're still here, Michelle. You're always gone before I wake up."

"Lily knows I'm here, so I didn’t have to rush home before she woke up." Spencer nodded, knowing the situation I was going through.

"That sister of yours never liked me, did she? I remember when we first met; she came up to me and said, 'you're weird looking,' and then walked away." Spencer laughed as he put a shoe onto his left foot. "I have some places I need to go, so I'll see you tonight at the party."

Spencer gave me a quick kiss on the cheek goodbye and left. I sighed and plopped onto his bed, not knowing what to do for the rest of the day, let alone the rest of my life.

The day passed by slowly. I couldn’t wait for it to be six so I could go over to Brendon's and seeSpencer everyone. Damian—thankfully—wasn’t able to make it, giving Lily and Ryan lots of chances to be all alone. I could only hope that something would happen between the two of them. Ryan was so shy and Lily so stubborn.

I walked into Brendon's house and immediately caught a familiar sight—Jon hitting Brendon. Hard. I just smiled as I walked over to the two boys. "Hey Brendon, hey Jon," I greeted them, unable to stop smiling despite the horrid feeling of dread in my stomach.

They both greeted me with big hugs and long hellos. He might not look it, but Brendon can be strong when he wants to be. When he hugged me, he hugged me so tight I swear he broke some of my ribs and/or spinal cord.

"Brendon, don’t you dare ever grow a beard, I will hate you forever if you do." Brendon gave me a weird look, but nodded anyways. "As for you, Jon, you would look dead sexy with a beard."

"Ryan told me that the other day!" I looked at Jon and laughed. I looked over at Brendon and saw that he was imagining Jon in a beard. A smile crept onto his face and I could tell that he liked what he saw.

"Hey, where's Spencer?" I asked, looking around the room, noticing I didn’t see him anywhere. He would normally be talking with Ryan, but Ryan was talking to Lily on the other side of the room, eating more ice cream. He sure loved that stuff.

"Bathroom, I think," Brendon said, shrugging his shoulders. I looked back over at Lily and saw her smiling and laughing at something either she or Ryan had just said. I smiled and left Brendon and Jon, giving them each a hug and a kiss on the cheek, to go and try to find Spencer. I wanted to just tell him and get it over with, maybe that way I would be able to enjoy the party without the horrible nagging, horrible feeling my stomach.

I walked down the hall and started calling his name, wondering where he was. There was no response; all I heard was something coming from the bathroom door that definitely didn’t sound like someone washing their hands or peeing or anything else that could be considered normal when a man was using the bathroom.

I opened the door just a crack to look in. I was so surprised and scared and depressed by what I saw, that I flung the door open even more, just to make sure that I was seeing right. I was.

Spencer and another girl were all on up on each other.

I didn’t say a word, just looked at the two of them, neither of them having noticed that I was there yet. When Spencer did, he immediately tried to explain himself. "Michelle," he said. It was obvious that he had not planned or wanted me to see this occurrence take place. "Um, this is my girlfriend, Daryl."

"Girlfriend," I chocked out, tears falling down my face. I turned away and ran out of the house, not once looking back to see if Jon and Brendon were still fighting, if Lily and Ryan had finally hooked up, or, more importantly, if Spencer was running after me.

After that night, I knew nothing would matter to me anymore. I drove and drove, knowing that I would run out of gas sooner or later and then would just have to wait in the middle of nowhere until I died of starvation and dehydration.

However, I didn’t make it that far. I was so busy talking to myself, that I hit a pole. I was out cold for what felt like forever. The last thing I remember seeing was someone hunched over me, asking, "What have I done?"

After that, the world around me all disappeared into darkness, the only sounds I could hear were my slow, faint heartbeat and the sound of rain falling all around my lifeless body.