I Never
Why am I here again?
What's summer got to do with my mind anyway?
It's a happiness that never fades away. It's the sun. That fiery ball of glowing hope, melting on my skin, telling me that it's okay, at least for the moment. Such a lie. And I'm on it right now, on this blazing heat they call the sun, and it doesn't really know what to do with me - shall it spit me out? Throw me into the universe, where I don't belong, floating on stars forever? I don't know what will become of me. Run. I should run, to the sea, isn't it graceful? I've never seen Grace be so restless, tossing and turning waves, so aggressive. Grace is peaceful, and loving. Isn't it?
I want to know what I can't see.
But it's not summer anymore. I don't feel the heat any longer, and what I see isn't the people, the laughter, the colours; but blue anger and menacing thunder. A storm is coming this way. A witch is living amongst the clouds, brewing up the biggest most terrifying storm man has ever seen in her cauldron that we call the world, and she cackles loudly with her evil tongue and now it forks down, the lightning forks down and blinds me. Malicious waves toss me over and throw me down into the dark blue mercilessly. I don't want to be swallowed in the sea. Why me? I've tried my best. I treated you well. I never threw lies in you, I never cleansed my anger in your waters like all the others. I never, I never.
I shut my aching eyes filled with salty water and the sounds all stop. I open them again after what seems like forever and I'm staring up at a dark beaded sheet of black. I'm washed up on the sand now, my clothes soaking wet but no sign of water anywhere. The sea has gone away, and I lie here in the middle of this ocean of sand with Nothing around me. It's night, it's endless night and now I've been lying here for months, unmoving, but the sky doesn't move. The night is full of lovers and stars and mystery. The stars rearrange themselves to show me something. Something I've never seen before, something I never meant to see but here it is now, right above me. And I close my eyes and the stars are brighter than ever, burning onto the inside of my eyelids. I can't make it out - what is it, God what is it - show me! But it's gone now. Just out of reach.
There is something very faint on the edge of the sand. I can't see it but I can hear it. A flickering beat, unsure of itself. But then it comes to life, slowly, gradually. The beat of a drum. Slowly, rythmically.
Doom, doom, doom.
In time with my heartbeat.
Doom, doom, doom.
It's slow, hypnotising. It's everything evil in the world built into that one beat. It wants to take over your heartbeat. Your eyes. It wants to control you, make you believe you can do something when you can't. Get up, I tell myself. Get up! Turn away. Close your eyes. Close your ears. Be dumb.
The compelling darkness takes me deeper into the minds of everyone and everything, deeper into the complicated twines of thoughts and the falling dreams coming down like leaves from trees of Faith... I open my eyes once again and golden hues surround me. And then it hits me like a blow to the head: this is the Broken Forest. I know it, I can feel it shaking in my bones. And this place is not good, not good at all, I've heard bad things about it.
Very bad things.
I shiver. I'm shivering in the middle of the deceivingly warm atmosphere. And there is something else in the air - whispers. The earth under my feet whisper and the trees and sky whisper too, and they know, they know, oh God they know. They know my failures, my secrets, my loss, my lies, my fears. And dark words fill the air up and I can't breathe anymore, the words choke me, my own failures and secrets and loss and lies and fears choke me. Revenge is in its rightful place as the world forces the lies back down my throat, gagging me. Spiny wooden hands reach down from the trees and spiral down towards me menacingly and with a painful shock I realise that these hands were meant to grip me and tear me to shreads. Paralysed, they edge towards me and grab hold of my throat, my lungs, my legs and this is where it all ends, I know it -
And I'm thrown into a black pit where no one can see me. A bottomless pit, and I'm falling and falling and I'm laying still at the same time. I wave my hand in front of my face and I see nothing. And when I exhale, the panic and dread leave my body and the sound of my sighs echo against the walls of this dark hole. Finally, some peace. A sanctuary. I am safe here. And just when I close my eyes and start to feel as if I'm flying, the hole spits me out again. It spits me out mercilessly, out into -
Out into everything again. Into the sun, into the sea, and the ocean of sand, and the Broken Forest. Again. I am here.
No. No, I don't want to be here. I am blazing hot from the sun as the sea once again throws me from side to side, and from here I can see all that sand, endless sand, and there are trees all around me, cruel whipping branches and falling leaves. Everywhere.
No. Why am I here again? All these places? These places are evil, they are vicious and hateful. I am on the hot sun but in the relentless, rough sea at the same time with the thunder breaking my eardrums and lightning making me blind and now I can see all that sand and the tall trees are still here, above me, sucking the life out of me, and no, no, no! I have to get out of here. I have to -
But something is happening. The sun doesn't seem to be so hot anymore. The waves start to understand me, they see through me and they stop being so vicious. They seem to have sent a message to the clouds above because no lightning, no thunder, no brewing sadness fills the sky anymore. And the ocean of sand almost seems inviting now, it's warm blanket softening with the light embrace of that sun that isn't blazing fire anymore. There is something piercing my ears and at first I don't understand what it is; but I listen again. It's the sweet rustle of leaves brushing against each other in the calm breeze. The trees have stopped whispering.
My body seems light as a feather now and I float up to the surface of the sea. The water isn't salty anymore. The ocean slowly brings me to the shore of that warm warm sand, and I lie there, eyes closed, embracing the heat of the sun as I listen for the birdsong between the trees' branches. Nothing is so bad anymore. I open my eyes and see the world in its true light. I open my eyes to the sweet relief of the day, to the hidden beauty behind it all. And now it seems that things aren't as bad as I thought; not bad at all.
Not bad at all.
It's a happiness that never fades away. It's the sun. That fiery ball of glowing hope, melting on my skin, telling me that it's okay, at least for the moment. Such a lie. And I'm on it right now, on this blazing heat they call the sun, and it doesn't really know what to do with me - shall it spit me out? Throw me into the universe, where I don't belong, floating on stars forever? I don't know what will become of me. Run. I should run, to the sea, isn't it graceful? I've never seen Grace be so restless, tossing and turning waves, so aggressive. Grace is peaceful, and loving. Isn't it?
I want to know what I can't see.
But it's not summer anymore. I don't feel the heat any longer, and what I see isn't the people, the laughter, the colours; but blue anger and menacing thunder. A storm is coming this way. A witch is living amongst the clouds, brewing up the biggest most terrifying storm man has ever seen in her cauldron that we call the world, and she cackles loudly with her evil tongue and now it forks down, the lightning forks down and blinds me. Malicious waves toss me over and throw me down into the dark blue mercilessly. I don't want to be swallowed in the sea. Why me? I've tried my best. I treated you well. I never threw lies in you, I never cleansed my anger in your waters like all the others. I never, I never.
I shut my aching eyes filled with salty water and the sounds all stop. I open them again after what seems like forever and I'm staring up at a dark beaded sheet of black. I'm washed up on the sand now, my clothes soaking wet but no sign of water anywhere. The sea has gone away, and I lie here in the middle of this ocean of sand with Nothing around me. It's night, it's endless night and now I've been lying here for months, unmoving, but the sky doesn't move. The night is full of lovers and stars and mystery. The stars rearrange themselves to show me something. Something I've never seen before, something I never meant to see but here it is now, right above me. And I close my eyes and the stars are brighter than ever, burning onto the inside of my eyelids. I can't make it out - what is it, God what is it - show me! But it's gone now. Just out of reach.
There is something very faint on the edge of the sand. I can't see it but I can hear it. A flickering beat, unsure of itself. But then it comes to life, slowly, gradually. The beat of a drum. Slowly, rythmically.
Doom, doom, doom.
In time with my heartbeat.
Doom, doom, doom.
It's slow, hypnotising. It's everything evil in the world built into that one beat. It wants to take over your heartbeat. Your eyes. It wants to control you, make you believe you can do something when you can't. Get up, I tell myself. Get up! Turn away. Close your eyes. Close your ears. Be dumb.
The compelling darkness takes me deeper into the minds of everyone and everything, deeper into the complicated twines of thoughts and the falling dreams coming down like leaves from trees of Faith... I open my eyes once again and golden hues surround me. And then it hits me like a blow to the head: this is the Broken Forest. I know it, I can feel it shaking in my bones. And this place is not good, not good at all, I've heard bad things about it.
Very bad things.
I shiver. I'm shivering in the middle of the deceivingly warm atmosphere. And there is something else in the air - whispers. The earth under my feet whisper and the trees and sky whisper too, and they know, they know, oh God they know. They know my failures, my secrets, my loss, my lies, my fears. And dark words fill the air up and I can't breathe anymore, the words choke me, my own failures and secrets and loss and lies and fears choke me. Revenge is in its rightful place as the world forces the lies back down my throat, gagging me. Spiny wooden hands reach down from the trees and spiral down towards me menacingly and with a painful shock I realise that these hands were meant to grip me and tear me to shreads. Paralysed, they edge towards me and grab hold of my throat, my lungs, my legs and this is where it all ends, I know it -
And I'm thrown into a black pit where no one can see me. A bottomless pit, and I'm falling and falling and I'm laying still at the same time. I wave my hand in front of my face and I see nothing. And when I exhale, the panic and dread leave my body and the sound of my sighs echo against the walls of this dark hole. Finally, some peace. A sanctuary. I am safe here. And just when I close my eyes and start to feel as if I'm flying, the hole spits me out again. It spits me out mercilessly, out into -
Out into everything again. Into the sun, into the sea, and the ocean of sand, and the Broken Forest. Again. I am here.
No. No, I don't want to be here. I am blazing hot from the sun as the sea once again throws me from side to side, and from here I can see all that sand, endless sand, and there are trees all around me, cruel whipping branches and falling leaves. Everywhere.
No. Why am I here again? All these places? These places are evil, they are vicious and hateful. I am on the hot sun but in the relentless, rough sea at the same time with the thunder breaking my eardrums and lightning making me blind and now I can see all that sand and the tall trees are still here, above me, sucking the life out of me, and no, no, no! I have to get out of here. I have to -
But something is happening. The sun doesn't seem to be so hot anymore. The waves start to understand me, they see through me and they stop being so vicious. They seem to have sent a message to the clouds above because no lightning, no thunder, no brewing sadness fills the sky anymore. And the ocean of sand almost seems inviting now, it's warm blanket softening with the light embrace of that sun that isn't blazing fire anymore. There is something piercing my ears and at first I don't understand what it is; but I listen again. It's the sweet rustle of leaves brushing against each other in the calm breeze. The trees have stopped whispering.
My body seems light as a feather now and I float up to the surface of the sea. The water isn't salty anymore. The ocean slowly brings me to the shore of that warm warm sand, and I lie there, eyes closed, embracing the heat of the sun as I listen for the birdsong between the trees' branches. Nothing is so bad anymore. I open my eyes and see the world in its true light. I open my eyes to the sweet relief of the day, to the hidden beauty behind it all. And now it seems that things aren't as bad as I thought; not bad at all.
Not bad at all.