Freefall

After that, it was a dark time for me. I didn’t speak to anyone and I didn’t do much other than sit around, trying to remember every moment I’d spent with him. Even the beginning, when I had first met him and couldn’t for the life of me figure out why he was following me around so much, was like a light against the darkness that was threatening to drown me.

I didn’t normally like to miss school, but I didn’t want to face him. I didn’t want to see him, knowing he didn’t want me anymore. So I stayed at home for as long as I could. Dad missed a lot of work, the first week. He was worried about me. It seemed like he’d forgotten all about avoiding looking at me because of my resemblance to Mom. My stay in the hospital scared that right out of him.

But because he was there so much more, I couldn’t just stay at home. I put going back off for as long as I could, but the day came after a week-long stay in the hospital and a week-long home period. I got dressed as slowly as I could and Chris and I walked slowly to the school. I think he could tell that I was nervous, that I wanted to prolong the moment I walked into that building for as long as I could.

When we approached, Paul wasn’t outside the door, waiting for me like he always did. I hadn’t told Chris about what Paul had said; how could I? So he didn’t know not to ask, “Where’s the boyfriend? Didn’t you tell him you were coming back today?”

“No,” I said curtly.

In gym, Paul was there. I don’t know why, but I’d half expected him to be absent. He didn’t so much as look at me.

I snuck out of the room before class was over. I couldn’t handle this yet. It would be a long time before I could be around Paul without breaking down.

I shouldn’t have been surprised that he followed me. I shouldn’t have been surprised that he was concerned. He probably thought that I’d gone to the nurse or something, that I was still not feeling well. I knew that, despite the fact that he was ignoring me, he still cared.

So he found me in a deserted wing, sobbing. He rushed over and put his arms around me. It felt nice, so nice. He hadn’t touched me in two weeks.

“This isn’t working out, is it?” Paul asked. I shook my head miserably. Already, the tears were slowing. His presence had been exactly what I needed.

“Don’t leave again,” I begged.

“I don’t think I can. I don’t think you realize just how hard this was for me, staying away from you. I thought you’d be okay. I thought that this wouldn’t hurt you so much. I thought that maybe if I just kept to myself, you’d be able to move on. But… now I’m thinking I was wrong,” he said with a faint smile. I could only imagine how I looked. Not my best, I was sure. Crying was never a pretty thing. But I was feeling better than I had in weeks.

“Don’t go away,” I said again.

“Never.”