Stubborn

“Aaron!” I boomed, storming out of the washroom. The door slammed against the wall as I marched out, but I had given up caring if the neighbours could hear. The dorm walls were so paper thin it was amazing Emma and Aaron hadn’t already gotten kicked out for whatever they did when I wasn’t around. “When you use the toilet, you put the toilet seat down after!”

"I liked you better when you were always silently moody and cynical," he said, keeping a permanently confused expression on his face as he walked around the room shirtless with a blue toothbrush hanging from his lips.

"I'm not moody," I hissed, picking up his shirt from the ground and tossing it to him viciously. "I'm just the only one who seems to realize how completely dysfunctional this arrangement is and it's really starting to piss me off!" Aaron rolled his eyes subtly, but I noticed. Every sense on my body was sensitive at this point.

The weekend had crawled by slowly in an agonizing repetition of what had happened that night at the Penguins' function. I had told Emma all about it - there was no way around that - but Aaron wasn't the therapist type. Sure, I could hold up a steady conversation with him about whatever had happened to us that week (what movie's we'd seen, how much school work we had, and who would be first to finish the ten English essay), but actually sitting down to tell him about a big problem like this - one that he had contributed to by making us hang out with Jordan and the rest of them - wasn't going to turn out well. There would be awkward pauses and an uncomfortable silence when I was done recounting the events of that night where Aaron would struggle to find something encouraging or helpful to say while still being loyal to his new friends. Aaron was a good boyfriend, he just wasn't mine.

Emma had been just as shocked and helpful as I thought she'd be. After I had driven home in a flurry of rage, I told her all about what had happened between Jordan and I, leaving out the bit about kissing at his house after Tyler's party. For now, all Emma needed to know about the situation was that he was a complete jerk who thought he could have any girl he wanted and I wasn't going to fall pray to his charms and manipulation. I was right, Jordan Staal was wrong; that's all that needed to be understood.

"Where's Emma?" I demanded.

"Class."

"When will she be back?"

Aaron shrugged nonchalantly, making me even angrier than before. I didn't think that was possible.

"So, what are you doing here?" I asked. "There's no reason for you to be here."

"Actually," Aaron said, falling back against Emma's bed, making the springs creak beneath his weight, "I'm here to give you some good news." I waited, unfazed. "Party. Friday night. Alcohol. Doesn't any of this appeal to you?" He cocked an eyebrow at me as I kept my face in a scowl.

"Not when I have no idea what you're talking about," I replied.

He sat up straight and let his arms rest on his knees. "I've noticed you've been pretty stressed lately with whatever is going on. Emma hasn't told me, and I think I'm better off not getting involved. But we're friends and I want to help." My posture relaxed slightly once I realized that despite all the annoying habits Aaron had, he was a good guy and a great friend. "There's a party this Friday night. I was thinking the three of us could go, you know, have a few beers, enjoy life before exams start."

My lips began moving up into a small, timid smile. I felt stupid for being so mad at him. No one could get mad at Aaron…except maybe Emma. "And I won't be considered the third wheel?"

He chuckled softly. "You're never considered the third wheel," he said in a sarcastic tone. I couldn't help but laugh and nod.

"Okay," I said, "Where is it?

"At Jordan's place." Aaron must have noticed the expression on my face change from happy to sullen in only a second. "What? What did I say?" He sat up straight and stared up at me.

I quickly tried to compose myself and let my tongue run over my lips slowly.

"Um…" I was trying to think of something to say to get out of this, but I had dug myself in too deep. "I - I can't."

"What? Why not?"

"I just have a lot of work to do." Pathetic excuse.

"Listen," he said softly, "I know you hate that I'm always around and with Emma constantly - I would hate it too - but the only reason I am is because I feel comfortable around you too. You're probably one of my best friends, Alex, and I don't want people I hang out with to get in the way of that. Just come to the party and get to know the guys a bit more." Funny; he thought I was avoiding this party because I didn't know the Penguins well enough. On the contrary, I knew them extremely well…

Aaron's face had a look of pleading as I stared down at him, preparing to refuse the invitation again. But I couldn't, not after what he had just told me. What kind of friend would I be then? A horrible friend, that's what. A horrible friend with hockey player drama and a midterm in two weeks that was going to totally kick my ass.

I sighed, knowing that I was probably going to regret this. "Okay." Aaron smiled gleefully. So, I was going to a party at Jordan's house. There's a chance I wouldn't run into him…right?

~

“Are you okay?” Emma’s worried voice broke through my weary thoughts. I had been standing in front of the full length mirror longer than I had hoped, probably with an expression of horror as I ran over all the possible outcomes of the party at Jordan’s. There was always the repeat at the function, at least with that I got my point across and didn’t seem like a completely spineless groupie. Then again, things could take a turn for the even worse and Jordan could end up humiliating me in front of everyone. No matter which way I looked at it, tonight wasn’t going to turn out well.

“Yeah, I’m fine.” I was such a horrible liar. Spinning around to face Emma, I tried my hardest to fake a look of enthusiasm and excitement about the night. She wanted this whole friendship-bonding things just as much as Aaron and I didn’t feel like being the one to ruin it all. This is, after all, how friendship works I hear; making sacrifices for those you care about even if you’ll physically suffer in the end.

Emma rolled her eyes and bent over her bureaux towards the mirror, continuing to apply her mascara. “You’re so often lying about how ‘fine’ you are that I’ve kinda gotten immune to it.” Twisting the mascara wand back into the thick, orange tube, she turned around to look at me, propping one hand up on her waist.

“Does that mean you’ll stop asking me?” I said in an eager tone, making her squint her eyes at me menacingly. I let out a soft chuckle then turned back to the mirror, examining my simple outfit once again.

“You’re nervous,” she said, softly this time. “And uncomfortable.” Her eyes fell to my hands that were clutching on to the base of my mid-thigh shirt; something I hadn’t noticed I was doing until that moment. I quickly pulled my hands away and awkwardly crossed them over my chest, my way of silently saying ‘I’m fine’. Emma sighed and walked towards me, the smell of perfume following her. “It’s Jordan, isn’t it.” I opened my mouth to argue – to tell her that her assumption was crazy and there was nothing going on between him and I – but she cut me off. “I’m a psych major who got an A on my last exam…and I’m also your best friend. I think I know when something’s going on with you.”

I sighed deeply and nodded.

“We’ll stick together tonight,” she said, reaching forward to wrap her hand firmly around mine. “There won’t be any mingling if you don’t want to. We’ll just hang out, drink, and have a few laughs.”

“And Aaron?” I asked.

Emma shrugged. “Aaron will be too busy talking sports. And besides, he wouldn’t want you doing something you feel uncomfortable with just for him, even though that’s exactly what you’re doing.”

I laughed. “I’m starting to feel a little better.”

She smiled. “Good. Now go get ready.”

I furrowed my brow, looking down at my clothes. “I am ready.”

“Mingling with cute guys or not, I’m not letting my best friend come to a party in jeans and converse.”

“But I like converse…”

“I know,” she said, “a little too much if you ask me. What about that cute shirt your cousin got you for your birthday?”

I cocked an eyebrow. “You mean the cousin that brings shame upon the female sex? That shirt might as well say ‘Open for Business’ across the deep V-neck chest.”

“Just go,” Emma said, pushing me towards the closet. Her way of shutting me up and getting her way.

~

The three of us walked briskly down the sidewalk, leading to Jordan’s infamous apartment, where different women entered and left daily. I could feel my self growing angry just thinking about the smugness in his tone as he said he had another one of me in his bed every night. What did that even mean? What was another ‘me’? And just the fact that he was so convinced he knew who I was, after only a few weeks. Everything about him infuriated me. Good thing I was going to his place then, huh?

“I think this is it,” Aaron said, looking up at the giant building. “I’ve never been here before, but he sent me a map on my iPhone and –”

“Yeah, this is it,” I said flatly, gaining a curious look from Emma. I quickly diverted my gaze up at the floors, spotting Jordan’s and noticing the few people out on the balcony conversing. I let Aaron walk in first then followed, the entire time feeling Emma’s eyes on my back. She knew I had more to share, but I wasn’t willing to tell her just yet. We all got into the elevator and pressed the floor button. As soon as the doors opened on the floor, we could hear the voices and music coming from behind Jordan’s door. I took a deep breath, swallowed hard, and waited as Aaron knocked on the door. Suddenly, I began feeling uncomfortable in the low cut top and tight jeans Emma had forced me to wear.

The door opened, revealing Jordan in all his midnight glory – blonde hair tousled, blue eyes piercing, and broad grin menacing. By the slight tinge of pink on his cheeks, I could tell he had been drinking. Perfect. Something I wasn’t quite sure of seemed to flicker behind his eyes once they landed on me. Could he be drunk enough to not remember what had happened? Doubtful.

“Hey man,” Aaron said as Jordan stepped aside to let us all in. “Almost got lost on the way here. Hope we didn’t miss anything too fun.”

I could feel Jordan’s eyes following me as I walked passed him and into the main hallway. Turning to look at him clearly, I noticed the beer bottle in his hand. “As far as I’m concerned, the fun is just starting.” Yup, he was definitely drunk. I unzipped my coat and hung it up in the closet, the same as the last time I had been there. Emma watched my strange familiarity with Jordan’s place and I felt even more self conscious. Jordan walked passed us, letting the scent of his cologne waft up my nose. “Guys are playing video games, chicks are in the kitchen.” His face remained the same as it always was, though I could sense the mocking tone as he made that sexist remark. I rolled my eyes, forgetting that I was with Emma and Aaron, and just pushed my way passed Jordan’s broad shoulder, towards the kitchen. I was there because Aaron had asked me to come, I didn’t have to deal with Jordan’s arrogance. The host was supposed to be nice to his guest, not make them want to tear their hair out in frustration.

Half way through the night (though it felt more like an eternity) Emma and I were sitting on the bar-like stools in the kitchen while Aaron was most likely playing Modern Warfare. I swirled the crimson liquid around in the wine glass as I sat opposite Emma. A few of the other hockey girlfriends were there, but Jordan’s place was luckily big enough that we didn’t have to remain in a constant conversation with them. We were now able to just sit and complain about the disaster otherwise known as ‘men’. By this point, I was beginning to get a little tipsy, there was no denying it. Wine was just the one drink I couldn’t hold.

“You seem pretty familiar with this place,” Emma said in that implying tone she always took on when she wanted to find something out.

“All these rich people places are the same,” I replied. “Always on a floor right in the center – not too high, not too low – with a giant walk in closet at the front hall.”

“Right,” Emma said, unconvinced.

The kitchen door flew open behind me. Paul walked in with a bug-eyed, shocked expression on his face. “You’re Emma, right?” he asked almost in panic. Emma nodded. “Uh, your boy is puking in the washroom.”

“What?!” She practically jumped off her stool.

“Yeah, he must have had too many beers,” Paul said. Emma sucked in a ragged breath and ran a hand through her hair before following Paul out of the kitchen, in search of her incapacitated boyfriend. We were now the only people really left at Jordan’s place, if you didn’t count Paul. There was no one I had to pretend to keep up a conversation with while Emma helped Aaron. I, also, had managed to stay away from Jordan for longer than I thought.

The kitchen door opened again, revealing Emma. “Hey, um…” That was never a good start to a sentence. “I’m gonna take Aaron to his place because he can barely stand and I offered to take Paul too. I actually kinda got stuck with him after I asked him to help me carry Aaron to the car.” The keys dangled nervously in her hand. “I’ll come back and get you in a bit. I don’t think there’ll be any room in the back seat for you and Aaron’s puke bucket.”

“W-what?” I said, jumping off the stool with the same vigour she had. “You can’t leave me here.”

“It’ll just be for a little bit,” she said. Jordan’s in the living room, I bet he won’t even notice you here.”

I sighed deeply. “Fine. Go take care of Aaron. I’ll hide out here like a stow-away.” Emma smiled meekly at the joke then rushed out of the kitchen. I ran a hand through my hair, wishing time would just speed up. Jordan was just in the other room. I picked up my wine glass and the one Emma hadn’t used since she was tonight’s designated driver, and walked over to the sink. I could at least keep things the way they were before I came, like I hadn’t even been there. Before I could reach the metal basin, the empty glass slipped out of my hand, shattering on the tiled floor.

Fuck!

The kitchen door opened yet again, except this time Jordan walked in. His navy dress shirt was unbuttoned near the top and the sleeves were rolled up to his elbows. His face was flat. “What happened?” he gave the glistening floor a once over then looked up at me.

“I dropped the glass,” I said stiffly. I wanted to apologize, the apology was right on my tongue, but I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. Not after what he had said to me. “I’ll go get your vacuum.” I made a motion to walk to the doors, but he raised his hands, stopping me.

“No, it’s fine, I’ll just clean it up tomorrow.”

“No, I can do it while I’m waiting for Emma,” I continued.

“Seriously, Alex,” he said, his light eyes fixing on me with severity, “Don’ worry about it. I’ll do it when I’m a little bit more sober.”

I nodded and crossed my arms over my chest. “Thanks.” There was a silence between us for a while as he shuffled around the kitchen, looking at where all the glass shards had gotten too.

“You know,” he began, turning to look at me, leaning back against the kitchen island, “I’m not the complete asshole you think I am.” I didn’t say anything, knowing that this would only escalate and lead to something horrible. “The attitude and swagger is something I need to learn to leave on the ice.” He let his head fall slightly then brought it back up to look at me. I snorted at the obvious understatement. “You’re mad.”

I licked my lips. “Of course I’m mad,” was all I said.

Jordan nodded and let his head fall once again. “What I said that night…I didn’t mean it.”

I let my tongue trace the curves of my teeth. “Well, you shouldn’t have said it at all.”

“I’m trying to apologize here,” he said.

I sighed. “I don’t want your apology, Jordan.” His face was still and unreadable. “I just want you to admit that you’re cruel and mean.”

He pushed himself up off the island, moving closer towards me. “I was mean because I felt rejected.” I noticed his tone growing with anger. Good. For once I was getting under his skin.

“Oh, so that’s an excuse? Why don’t you toughen up, Jordan, and stop making everything revolve around you and your feelings?!” My breath had begun rattling as it forced its way out of my clenched teeth. I didn’t ask for this. I didn’t want this. Jordan could take all his problems and insecurities and dump them on a girl who actually needed his verbal abuse to make herself feel useful. I was sick of it.

Jordan slid his hands through his hair, tugging at the roots. “I thought you actually wanted Casey, which made me feel worse because I was the one pushing you towards him.” His tall form was even closer to me now, towering over me menacingly. I wished the door would sound with Emma’s knocking; anything to get me out of this place and away from him. “I’m not perfect, Alex, but I can admit when I’m wrong – when I made a mistake.” I could feel the saliva lodge itself in the back of my throat as I tried to swallow back every emotion I was feeling at that moment. His hair, his eyes, his scent, the intense tone of his voice – it all aided to the overwhelming feelings.

“But you can’t admit that you like me!” The sentence just came bursting through my tight lips as though an animal once caged was being let out. I didn’t think about it before I said it, but once it left my lips I couldn’t help but agree with it. “Instead you try to play with my mind in hopes that I would come crawling to you, that I would give you the upper hand!” I was backed up against the refrigerator now, with only a few inches separating us.

“I don’t like you,” he said flatly. “’Like’ is something you feel towards a pretty girl on a bus, or someone sitting in front of you in class.” I waited for him to get to his point. So far, this wasn’t making me feel any better. “With you…” he paused to lick his lips, “I feel something different.” His eyes trailed their way down my face to my lips. “But I undoubtedly want you.” With one swift motion he moved towards me, pushing me back against the cold metal of the stainless steel refrigerator door, locking our lips. I wanted to protest and push him away, but instead wrapped my arms around his neck. I wanted to yell and tell him all the things that make me hate him, but instead breathed him in with the same ferocity that his hands grasped my hips. Almost effortlessly, Jordan lifted me up high enough so that my legs could wrap around his waist and began moving out of the kitchen, passed the living room, and to the bedroom which I had walked out of a week ago.

In almost a second, I was on the soft mattress, with the weight of Jordan on top of me, and every article of clothing making its way to the ground.