Stubborn

I kept up with Emma’s hurried pace as well as I could. Today was her day off, or so I liked to call it. Her day off from Aaron. In her words, today was ‘girl’s day’. Despite her sudden revelation that a healthy separation was needed from the ol’ ball and chain, she walked around the streets of downtown Pittsburgh with an air of anxiety and frivolousness. Her hands shifted from nervously at her sides, to being dug into the pockets of her leather jacket, then back at her sides before she chewed unceasingly on the skin around her nails. It made me jittery just watching her, let alone trying to follow her as she swiveled around oncoming pedestrians. It also didn’t help that she had four years of high school track under her belt to keep her legs and lungs pulsing with eagerness. Sadly, and I hated admitting this, my best friend had turned into a stage 3 clinger. The worst, from the perspective of someone who wanted to avoid emotional attachment of any sort. At first, it seemed normal that being with Aaron would bring a smile to her lips and a glow of rouge to her cheeks, but it had grown to something different now. My deep concern in all of this wasn’t because I was jealous in not having something like it myself, nor was it because it was completely anti-feminist to hang on to your boyfriend as though he would blow away with the wind. My fascination and bewilderment was snuggly placed in the middle. I just couldn’t believe that next to Emma and Aaron’s archetype of the perfect couple, there could be Jordan and me; two caricatures of intimacy so far from the fiction standard it would make Nicholas Sparks cry.

There was Emma and then there was me; images perfectly contrasting each other like night and day. Before Jordan, before I learned something deep and diminutive about myself when it came to the opposite sex, I couldn’t truly say I knew my best friend. But now I realized. We were different people – different ideals, emotions, thoughts surrounded us – and yet we managed to grow closer everyday, even as our personalities grew farther apart. I rolled this thought about in my head as I tried to catch my breath next to her. In times of stress and disorder, opposites could attract. This idea – something I only thought could occur with the help of a bit of alcohol, the dim lighting of a modern apartment, and the allure of a tall blond with blue eyes – in fact had been a part of my entire life, was even before Jordan came along.

Sun peaked out from behind the clouds, allowing a glow of yellow to envelope the relatively busy streets. Today was nice. I had almost forgotten about the scenery as I trudged along side Emma in her frantic state. The sides of buildings glistened with sparkles of afternoon light, dimmed behind the black lenses of my sunglasses. Today was the kind of day that you went out just to suck in a deep breath of the cool, fresh air and just lose yourself in the fact that late fall sunlight was the best cure for pretty much anything, even guys.

“So, where are we going?” I asked as I caught up with Emma, our shoulders brushing as each of us occasionally had to dodge a well-dressed businessman in his race to the bus stop. Despite her sudden adrenaline rush, I could tell by the soft twitch of her lips and dry, slumping look at the end of her eyes as she took of her sunglasses that she wasn’t as energetic as she pretended to be.

She kept her gaze behind the metallic lenses and faced forward. “Shopping.” The way she said it was almost a question, if today’s schedule suited me. “And maybe some coffee after. I need coffee.” The latter part of her sentence was said in a swift mumble.

“You look tired,” I stated.

Emma cocked her head towards me, letting me see my own distorted reflection in her sunglasses. “I am,” she replied simply.

“Long night with Aaron?” I smirked and she smiled scornfully.

“Not any longer than yours and Jordan’s.”

I rolled my jaw at her reply and looked down at my feet as they strode rhythmically forwards, one after the other. Her joke shouldn’t have meant anything to me, but strangely it did, and that itching feeling – the one that had formed just as life got more complicated than it needed to be – worsened. Maybe it was because what I did showed something that I didn’t want to see in myself; that I could fall for the asshole like every typical girl I scorned for doing so. Or because that night showed Jordan’s victory and my loss. He got what he wanted from the beginning – another notch on his bedpost – and I lost the chance to say that not every girl fell for his good looks and infuriating personality. And then there was everything Max had told me at the bookstore. Jordan was broken, like a lot of people I knew who had gotten out of bad relationships, but they didn’t drown their sorrows with promiscuous sex and satisfaction in attaining it by being jerks. I wasn’t a horrible person; I knew what happened to him had left him scared. But I was also smart and I wasn’t going to let it take a toll on me and my life. I’m sure if I went back home now Mom would have a row of possible husbands for me to choose from, like a suspect line-up at a police station.

“Sorry,” Emma whispered with an angry sigh, looking up at the looming skyscrapers. “I was just bantering with you.”

I nodded. “I know, Em. Don’t worry about it.” I looked at her and smiled as warmly as I could. She turned to me, smiled back, then licked her lips and looked over her shoulder at the pedestrian trying to bypass her. I didn’t want this…ordeal…to affect my friendship with her or burden her with the weight of another unpredictable boyfriend. Boyfriend. Why would I even think that word?

~

We ended up jumping from small boutique to small boutique all around the downtown area. I couldn’t remember the last time Emma and I had gone out together and browsed store windows without Aaron moaning in boredom or tugging at Emma’s jacket sleeve like a toddler for us to go. Today it felt like there weren’t any expectations; I didn’t have to keep things locked up without Aaron around.

After about two hours of light chatter about school and the latest episode of Jersey Shore (a show we both agreed was deteriorating the minds of society but at the same time couldn’t stop watching it) we decided that a nice, hot cup of coffee was well needed. We hopped over uneven sidewalk pavement, sped across streets just as the light was about to change, and tried to contain our laughter at the guy winking at us from a passing car as we entered the coffee shop.

The smooth aroma of brewing coffee seemed to circle me with warmth before entering my chilled nostrils and filling my mouth with the sweet taste of caramel. We took a position in line, slightly annoyed that there were a good few people ahead of us. Emma scanned the store, looking for a table. I, on the other hand, had my eye on the chewy marshmallow rice square kept safely behind the glass counter.

“Hey, look,” Emma nudged me lightly in the stomach with her elbow and I tore my gaze away from the deserts. “It’s Tyler.” I followed her gaze and landed on the light curls and childish face of Tyler Kennedy. He stood a few spots ahead of us in line, looking at the menu, before noticing Emma and I a few feet away from him. Stepping back and allowing the person directly behind him to go ahead he walked towards us.

“It feels weird running into you guys even though we all live in the same city,” he said with a soft chuckle. We laughed with him as we moved out of the line, knowing that even if we had to go to the back it wouldn’t make much of a difference. “Where are you guys sitting?” he gave a quick look around at the full tables. “I have a table at the back.”

“Thanks,” I said, “Em and I were hoping to find a place to sit for a bit.”

“Yeah, no problem,” he said, giving me a friendly, yet still rather aggressive, pat on the back. Is this what guys always did? Physically hurt each other as a way of solidifying their friendship? Tyler shoved his hands in the pockets of his jeans then led us around the corner of the shop to the tables at the far end. There, sitting with his long legs outstretched and his light hair peaking out from beneath a black tuque was Jordan. He fiddled with his cell phone absentmindedly until we stopped at the table and his eyes flickered to me. Emma gave me a surreptitious look, as though asking if I wanted to leave. I shook my head. It would look suspicious just leaving after we had happily accepted Tyler’s offer.

So, biting my tongue I sat down opposite Jordan, feeling his ice-like eyes burning a whole in my face

“Look who I found,” Tyler said with a laugh. Jordan smiled half-heartedly at Emma then returned to staring at me. “It’s weird running into them, right?”

Jordan nodded. “Yeah.” The way his sentence stopped, hanging off of a silence loud enough to be considered an extra syllable, I felt my stomach clench.

“So, what do you guys want?” Tyler asked, looking from me to Emma then to Jordan. “I’m buying. And don’t argue with me,” he said in response to mine and Emma’s mouths opening simultaneously in refusal, “I owe Alex after bailing me out with Staalsy at my party.” I let my lips rise in a meek smile and held my tongue. He waited for us to tell him what we wanted then turned to Emma. “Em, you wanna help me carry them?” It was obvious that Tyler knew nothing about my situation with Jordan so I couldn’t exactly hate him for putting me into this immensely awkward position.

“Uh…” Emma looked at me then back at Tyler almost dumbfounded. “Sure.” A small breath escaped my lips. In only seconds time I would be alone with Jordan. She held on to the back of her chair for a bit longer, as though not wanting to leave, then let go as Tyler moved passed her and out of sight. I avoided eye contact with Jordan for as long as possible. For those three excruciating minutes, the ridged edge of the table, made up of tiny wooden flecks haphazardly thrown together, was the most fascinating thing in the world.

“Huh,” Jordan said under his breath, but loud enough for me to hear. I looked up and saw his eyes kept intently on his broad hands that fiddled with his blackberry. “Over two million people in the city and I’m always running into you.”

“Then I must not be trying hard enough to get away.” My response was swift and merciless. I stared at him and watched his gaze remain down but the lines around his mouth, the ones that usually showed his devilish charm, grew hard and unrecognizable.

“Okay,” he said, sucking in a breath, “I get it. You hate me.” His eyes darted from his hands to my face and stayed there, cold and indignant.

“I don’t hate you,” I said almost mechanically. I wasn’t sure if I meant it or not.

He put his phone down then leaned forward aggressively, making the table shake from beneath my arm and send a soft vibration through my body. “So what is this then, Alex?” His voice had an eager edge to it. “Why don’t you tell me, because I’d love to know.” He kept his tone at a mild whisper but the look in his eyes made it seem as though he was yelling.

I leaned back in my chair and crossed my arms over my chest. Suddenly, I no longer felt in the mood for coffee. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Bullshit,” Jordan said before I could fully finish the sentence. “I’ve seen you naked. I pretty much know everything you’re hiding under that angry, feminist wall you put up.”

“You don’t know anything about me,” I replied through clenched teeth. Only five minutes into the conversation and I already felt like ripping his head off. How long did it take to make freaking coffee?!

“I do, Alex. You try so hard to keep things locked up that everything a person needs to know about you is just spilling out at the seams.” Jordan breathed in and out, his frown deepening. “Did you forget that night?” He looked around in case there was anyone listening. Most of the people in the shop were busy talking to each other or on their computers with headphones in their ears. “When you climbed into my bed willingly?”

I kept my head down, embarrassed. “No.”

“So then stop acting like this was all my fault.” He leaned back in his chair with a thud. “You didn’t have to agree to anything.”

“I was drunk.”

“Oh, please!” He narrowed his eyes at my lame excuse. “I was worse. If anything, you took advantage of me that night.”

I licked my lips. “This isn’t the time to talk about it.” I said as sternly as possible.

“No, maybe it is,” he said. “At least now you can’t just walk away from it.”

“See!” I exclaimed. “This is what I hate. The arrogance. I’m wrong and you’re right. Is that how you want it to be?” I waited for him to answer, but he just kept quiet; his jaw rolling slowly. The breath seeped out of my mouth, hot and heavy with the pleasure of ending the conversation, but the anger at having to deal with it in the first place.

I looked over my shoulder anxiously, hoping Emma and Tyler were done. They stood by the counter laughing as they waited for the barista to make the coffees. Turning back to Jordan, but refusing to look at him, I ran a hand through my hair. As always, the air around us was thick and uncomfortable. I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t just sit there for the rest of the day and pretend to be perfectly content in Jordan’s presence.

I stood up just as Emma and Tyler came back to the table. Jordan didn’t say anything, but I figured he knew what was going on. He had that same expression of arrogant expectance on his face as he took his coffee from Tyler and leaned back in his chair nonchalantly.

“Where are you going?” Emma asked; her brow furrowed.

“Home,” I replied simply. “I’m not feeling too well.”

“Aw, c’mon Alex,” Tyler said, “you’re gonna miss out on all the fun.” His sarcasm made me crack a smile and he grinned.

“Rain check,” I said and he nodded. Jordan wasn’t looking at me and I didn’t intend to look at him either.

“Do you want me to come with you?” she asked.

I shook my head. “I’ll be fine.” Thanking Tyler for the coffee, I took the cup from Emma and walked to the door, keeping my head down in fear that I might just see Jordan’s reflection in the glass windows.