Stubborn

“Alex!”

I hadn’t even made it to the passenger door of Jordan’s truck when I heard Emma’s voice calling me. Jordan and I turned around simultaneously to see my best friend, with incredibly bad timing, hanging off the banister of the front steps which I had be clutching on to – afraid to let go – only a few minutes prior. It felt as though Jordan and I were caught committing some horrible indiscretion, frozen like deer in headlights. It was actually completely the opposite. In all the time I had known the 6 foot 4 hockey player this is the first time I could say that what we were doing was rational and thought out. And, though I wouldn’t admit this to Emma any time soon, I didn’t feel like going back inside Max’s house to find her and Aaron. Didn’t feel like opening myself up to new friends (or old friends, for that matter). And didn’t feel like clinging on to the two people I had gotten to know the most for dear life. I wanted to be somewhere in the middle; somewhere on my own.

Once Jordan noticed Emma’s piercing glare as she tried to communicate something to me nonverbally, he rubbed the back of his neck timidly and turned around to slide into the driver’s seat, which I understood to mean he would wait until I was done explaining everything to Emma. The only problem was that I didn’t feel like explaining anything to her. She would just have to understand and stand by my decision, even if I didn’t really know what that decision was.

“We’re – uh –“ I begun to say, cocking my head to the side slightly, trying to get a glimpse of Jordan in the car. “We’re going for a ride.” She stared at me for a moment, her face blank – though I couldn’t be too sure in the dim lighting of Max’s front porch – before her lips spread into an understanding smile and she walked back inside the house. A bit of the tension in my stomach eased, releasing like a tightly wound knot coming undone. I took a deep, deliberate breath as I drummed my fingers on the side of the truck nervously, then spun around and slid into the passenger seat next to Jordan.

He was sitting idly with his one arm on the steering wheel and his head leaning back, perking up the moment I got inside. “Everything okay?”

I nodded, strapping on the seatbelt. “Yeah. I just let Em know that we’re leaving.” He nodded then stuck the key in the ignition and brought the engine to life with a loud roar. I wasn’t exactly comfortable sitting next to Jordan, alone, but I knew it was the most comfortable I’d be all night. It seemed like neither of us knew what was going to happen from then on, and yet both willingly left everyone and everything else behind in a cloud of gravel dust. “So, where are we going?” I asked, seeing that Jordan had a specific place in mind.

“Somewhere,” he said as a smirk graced his lips. I let my eyes rest on his profile for a moment as he stared transfixed at the dark, open road, before looking down at my hands playing with each other in my lap.

“Seriously,” I said, “you’re not going to kill me or anything, right? This is how horror movies start.”

He laughed, keeping his eyes on the road. “Seriously?” he asked in almost a mocking tone. I figured he wouldn’t be letting me in on his secret location so I just followed his gaze to the horizon.

The line separating earth and sky was a dark mauve that sent a warm feeling surging through my stomach. “Just don’t dump me in any ditches on the side of the road.” My tone was kept humorously calm as I reclined slightly in the seat. “I just washed these clothes.”

Jordan let out another laugh as he placed his left arm on the window ledge, his fingers twisting a lock of his light hair. “I promise.” I smiled and let my head loll to the side. “You wanna listen to some music?” he asked, though his hand had already shot over to the radio, fiddling with the buttons. I couldn’t protest to some music on our mystery road trip. He turned it on, letting the soft guitar riffs of City and Colour’s “The Girl” fill the car.

So, there we were, two confused people driving down streets I had never been before in a silence that would have otherwise been categorized as awkward, but tonight seemed perfectly normal; comfortable almost. What exactly did all of this mean? I was the one who agreed to it and I didn’t even know. I guess that was the point, really. I had spent almost all of this time trying to figure everything out that I hadn’t stopped and just let it all unfold. Jordan was cocky, and mean, and sometimes full of himself, and yet there he sat, only inches away from me, as a regular person who I – the easily annoyed university student – could sit next to and actually contemplate doing this more often. However, tonight I just wanted to get away. And at this moment – as much as I hated to admit it – Jordan was my escape.

We sat in silence for the rest of ride, which I was happy about. I didn’t need Jordan reminding me that I had just ditched my friends for the guy I claimed to hate only hours ago. My feelings were conflicted – contempt, confusion, comfort. The three C’s of my upcoming spiral to insanity. By Jordan not probing me or arrogantly suggesting he had won whatever twisted game we were playing, it was almost as if he knew me. Impossible, considering our only interactions were (mostly) violent or filled with anger towards one another.

I watched Jordan’s one arm move mechanically from the steering wheel, to his hair, to his side, as though itching to land somewhere that he wasn’t even sure of. I scrutinized this mild case of OCD until he finally decided to turn the volume up on the radio, allowing the music to consume us. Shifting into a comfortable position, I let my head lean against the cool glass of the window. The fatigue I had been trying to suppress all night was creeping up on me, beginning at my feet and working its way up my body. I noticed Jordan throw me a surreptitious look as my eyelids fought between sleep and wakefulness and my breathing evened, causing a layer of mist to form on the chilled window.

~

I awoke only because my eyelids seemed no longer able to withhold the light that blazed through the windshield. They were kept in a squint as I shifted positions, trying to shake off the cramp I had gotten on my right arm. Looking around, I realized I was alone. I didn’t want to admit I panicked, but I did. I looked out of the window and didn’t recognize the scenery. This made me panic more. I had agreed to go for a drive with Jordan for a bit and it had ended up becoming morning on the grassy plains of who-knows-where with Jordan nowhere in sight. I checked my cell phone for the time and almost gasped when reading 5 am. Surprisingly, there were no worried texts from Emma. What, exactly, did she think I meant when I said I was going for a ride with Jordan? Did she expect me to be out all night?

I let those questions go for the meantime as I tried to come up with some sort of logical conclusion. There was me and Jordan’s truck, but no Jordan. I raked my hair away from my eyes as I unclipped the seatbelt that held me against the passenger seat, reluctant in letting me go. Suddenly, I heard a bang coming from the back. Like any person stranded alone in the middle of nowhere, I froze; my breath bated. The bang was heard again so I turned around cautiously and saw Jordan slowly sitting himself up in the bed of the truck. A surge of relief rushed through me at realizing that this night hadn’t turned into a story of The Hook Man. I jumped out of the passenger seat and walked around the car to the back. Jordan was looking out at the horizon, propped sideways on one arm with his long legs crossed at the ankles. It was only when he saw me, standing there looking at him like a lost child, that he began moving, opening a spot next to him. I stared at him for what felt like too long, wondering if I should just stand there and ask him all the necessary questions at a time like this – Where are we? Why did you bring me here? When are we going back? – Or if I should pull that undeniable stick out of my ass and silently abide his nonverbal request. I chose the latter, which made things a lot easier.

As I sat down next to him, leaving a comfortable amount of space between us, I noticed that his expression was one I hadn’t seen before. It wasn’t placid, or angry. It wasn’t cocky, or timid. It wasn’t happy, or upset. He was thinking about something, that much was obvious, but I couldn’t bring myself to break the silence and ask him what it was. “What are you thinking about?” was a question even I hated. A chill rippled through me, making me shiver as I sat analyzing his face like an eager painter. Jordan’s head slowly turned towards me. I didn’t say anything, waiting for him to speak first.

“Are you cold?”

My mouth open and closed a few times, trying to make a decision, before actual words came out. “A bit.”

He turned his upper body in the opposite direction and began rifling through a giant duffle bag next to him. Finally, he pulled out a blue fleece blanket. “That’s all I have,” he said as he handed it to me. “I didn’t expect we’d come here.”

I wrapped it around my shoulders, leaning against the back of the truck cab. “And where, exactly, is ‘here’?” I noticed his lips go up in a faint smirk, as though he had been expecting me to ask that question.

“Just a place I come out to sometimes. It reminds me of back home.”

I looked out at the picturesque landscape as the slowly ascending sun left a golden haze over every plain. The grass – that would soon be dead come December – blew triumphantly in the chilly wind towards us, making my hair blow the same. Half of the sun was left hidden by the skyline as though not sure if it was ready to show itself completely. I wanted to sit there carelessly and enjoy this, but I couldn’t. There were things that needed to be figured out and future drama to be avoided.

“Jordan.” My voice came out in a husky whisper, unsure of itself. The blonde haired giant that I had spent most of the year hating, and who ultimately knew more about me than even I did, angled his face towards me and fixed his expectant blue eyes on mine. “What are we doing?”

He sighed, but not in a bad way. More like he was mulling over the possible answers to my question, trying to the find the right one. I knew there wouldn’t be a right one, though. Whatever he said wouldn’t change what had happened between us in the past.

Jordan rubbed his brow and licked his lips before letting out a breath. “I’m not Prince Charming, Alex.” Every word was said slowly and decisively, as his voice remained smooth. “I can’t give you a romantic speech and fix things.” He turned his face away from the sky and to me, the cock of his eyebrow asking whether I understood. I did, of course. It was clear that our whole existence together wasn’t something that could be erased with a simple ‘You had me at hello’.

“I know,” I said softly. I looked down at my hands that played with each other in my lap before putting them at my sides to avoid fidgeting anymore. Slowly, I fixed my gaze on him and watched as his eyes rested on his hands then the golden-pink horizon then off to somewhere else entirely. I would have thought that sitting there with Jordan, trying to figure things out, would have shed some light on whatever relationship we had, but it only made me more confused.

“I can’t –” he began suddenly then cut off once he looked at me. “There are some things –” He licked his lips, looked down, and ran a hand through his hair. I waited for what he had to say, though it didn’t seem like it was going to come out any time soon. This was the first time I had ever seen Jordan speechless; no cocky remark on the tip of his tongue or judgmental expression on his face. “I –” he bit his lip for a moment. “I’m not good at –”

Before I could interject and spare him an aneurysm he took hold of my hand and slowly intertwined our fingers, bringing it onto his lap. He was silent, making this gesture of sincerity seem all the more definite. And there I was, speechless at his speechlessness. Whatever he couldn’t say I could feel as the heat from his broad hand enveloped mine. My eyes swept over his profile; each feature outlined by gold as the wind pulsed through his hair every so often. The arch of his brown, the slant of his nose, the curve of his closed lips, all pushing me forth into a state that I didn’t want to admit could ever happen to me.

As the sun detached itself from the earth and rose above us in a blazing circle, I knew that Jordan and I were finally on the same page. With my hand in his and us sitting amongst unfamiliar territory, I felt glad that he was the one familiar thing there. He was the arrogant hockey player and I was the stubborn university student and even though at first the two didn’t fit well together, there was one thing we both knew.

We weren’t erasing what had happened in the past, but making fit into our future.