Status: Complete
Careful What You Wish For
01
To all of those girls looking for an eating disorder.
If I could scream at you and shake you I would right now. If I could beg and plead with you I would. Not to be harsh, not to make you feel worthless because to be honest there are only 2 reasons you would look for an eating disorder. One is for something to fall on and the other reason being for attention. If you are here for attention then please, please don’t even consider an eating disorder as a way to get it. If you are here for help and guidance from an eating disorder please find another way I beg you, because my eating disorders are what are killing me.
I know everyone tells their story but I’m not going to. I want to tell you my relationship with Bulimia or Mia as I call her. She was my best friend, my crutch. If I had a bad day I could talk with her, find a way to pay for my behaviour. I would give her everything, she had all the head space she wanted but she used little. She started to get bigger though,, as my hunger intensified she grew. She started to trouble my thoughts, seeping into my dreams She brought Ana with her, welcomed her into my mind. She made every morsel of food feel like a failure and Mia just encouraged for me to rid the poison from my system. Once Mia was my friend now I am her puppet, a game for her when she is bored.
I find it hard to know that I have lost my brother and my best friend because of my eating disorders, that they know there is no help for me. It’s scary to know that my boyfriend waits for my death everyday. Has to see the new cuts on my skin, the bruises on my body. He hears me throwing up into a toilet at 11 pm, deals with me passing out and falling down stairs. Yet he stands by me still. I listen to no one except the voices in my head, driving him away even though he is truly the only one that cares.
An eating disorder is not just some crazy diet. An eating disorder is depression, suicide, self harm, losing everyone you love, waiting and accepting your own death.
I am resigned that one day my eating disorder will kill me. Please turn back before she gets you to, because if you are already looking for an eating disorder Mia or Ana will be there to snatch you.
If I could scream at you and shake you I would right now. If I could beg and plead with you I would. Not to be harsh, not to make you feel worthless because to be honest there are only 2 reasons you would look for an eating disorder. One is for something to fall on and the other reason being for attention. If you are here for attention then please, please don’t even consider an eating disorder as a way to get it. If you are here for help and guidance from an eating disorder please find another way I beg you, because my eating disorders are what are killing me.
I know everyone tells their story but I’m not going to. I want to tell you my relationship with Bulimia or Mia as I call her. She was my best friend, my crutch. If I had a bad day I could talk with her, find a way to pay for my behaviour. I would give her everything, she had all the head space she wanted but she used little. She started to get bigger though,, as my hunger intensified she grew. She started to trouble my thoughts, seeping into my dreams She brought Ana with her, welcomed her into my mind. She made every morsel of food feel like a failure and Mia just encouraged for me to rid the poison from my system. Once Mia was my friend now I am her puppet, a game for her when she is bored.
I find it hard to know that I have lost my brother and my best friend because of my eating disorders, that they know there is no help for me. It’s scary to know that my boyfriend waits for my death everyday. Has to see the new cuts on my skin, the bruises on my body. He hears me throwing up into a toilet at 11 pm, deals with me passing out and falling down stairs. Yet he stands by me still. I listen to no one except the voices in my head, driving him away even though he is truly the only one that cares.
An eating disorder is not just some crazy diet. An eating disorder is depression, suicide, self harm, losing everyone you love, waiting and accepting your own death.
I am resigned that one day my eating disorder will kill me. Please turn back before she gets you to, because if you are already looking for an eating disorder Mia or Ana will be there to snatch you.
♠ ♠ ♠
My best friend wrote this she suffers from an ed as well as myself. I wish she could get better and I love her to bits.