Sleepless

I hung up the phone after doing one of the worst things I could have ever done. I ended my six year relationship with a message on his answering machine because I was a coward and unable to tell him the truth. Even the reason I had given for the break up had been a lie. There would never be ‘someone else’. I knew Billie Joe probably would not believe it, given the face that other than seeing him face to face less frequently, I showed no signs of that. I was a terrible liar, especially when it came to him, so I was amazed that I was able to hide a terminal illness from him for the past three months.

I had been given anywhere from six months to a year and a half left to live. The cancer had spread, and chemotherapy or radiation would have only added an extra month or so on to my life. I could never tell Billie Joe about this, it would devastate him. I knew I could not hide this for the six months to a year and half I had left, but I wanted just a few more good months with him. I needed the extra memories, and I wanted to give him more memories of me, too. Though, the last memory I had given him of myself was terrible, it had to be that way. Hopefully, he would forget about me by the time I was gone.

For the first time in three months, I cried. I had made myself numb to the situation. It was the only way I could have lied to Billie Joe for so long. I could not think about my own life, about leaving him behind, and I certainly could not think of all the things I would never be able to accomplish. If I felt anything other than blind acceptance of my fate, I would never have been able to hide things from him so well.

However, now that I no longer had to force myself to live a lie, I could let myself feel anger, sadness, confusion, and whatever else I wanted to feel. I also felt like a terrible person for doing what I had done to Billie Joe. Why the fuck was I such a coward? He loved me. He was the one person in my life who truly loved me for who I was, regardless of anything, and this was how I treated him? I could no longer rationalize it with it all being an attempt to protect his emotional wellbeing. That was bullshit. Even with the way I ended things, he was bound to feel some sadness at my death, and he would find out somehow, even if he did move on and forget me because I had hurt him so much.

There was a knock at my door. Unthinking of who it could be, I wiped the tears from my eyes and opened the door, only to reveal the one person I did not want to see, Billie Joe. I stared in shock, not at the look of utter devestation on his face and in his eyes, but at the fact that he even bothered to show up. I wanted to apologize, to tell him the truth, to die knowing for certain that he loved me. No, you have to be strong. Not for yourself, but for Billie Joe. It hurts now, but its for the best, I thought to myself as I attempted to shut the door. He put his arm between myself and the door, and walked in my house, without ever saying a word. I stared at him, speechless.

“You’re a terrible liar, Morgan,” Billie Joe finally spoke. I bit my lip, wondering if he knew something had been up for the past three months and just said nothing about it.

“What do you mean?” I inquired.

“That message you left for me was total bullshit, and you know it. Stop pretending that it wasn’t. There’s no one else, you and I both know that,” he said, his voice taking on a slightly angered tone.

“What do you want from me?”

“The truth. Why do you want to break up with me, if that’s even what you want to do?” Billie Joe paused slightly, and wiped tears from my eyes that I was unaware I had been crying. “And why have you been crying?” he said in a whisper.

“I can’t tell you,” I said weakly. His eyes were desperately pleading with me to tell to the truth. It broke my heart, but I still refused to tell the truth. I kept telling myself that all of this is for both of our own good. Nothing can last forever.

“Why?” he responded. His voice cracked slightly, and tears formed in his beautiful eyes.

“Don’t do this.” I turned away, unable to look at him. I was starting to hate myself for doing this to him, and the voice that was telling me things were better this way seemed less and less appealing.

“Please, Morgan, just tell me the truth. I promise I won’t be mad at you if that’s what you’re worried about. I could never be mad at you, or hate you.”

“You really should hate me,” I said under my breath. Suddenly and almost unconsciously, I heard the two words that I never wanted to speak to him coming out of my mouth. It was too late to stop myself from saying them. “I’m dying.”

“What?” Billie Joe asked, obviously stunned by my confession. I would never have believed it, either.

“You heard me, Billie,” I said quietly, and almost eerily calmly. I still had my back turned to him, so I had no clue what expression he had on his face. There was nothing but silence in the room now, and I knew he was either in denial about it, or too hurt to say anything further to me.

“You can’t be,” he finally managed.

“I never wanted to tell you. That’s why I called and said there was someone else. I was hoping you would just accept that, but you didn’t. I knew this would hurt you, that’s why I kept it hidden for the past three months,” I explained.

“You’ve known for three fucking months? Why the fuck didn’t you tell me?” Billie Joe spat. I laughed to myself, remembering his promise. Of course this would piss him off, I would be pissed off too.

“You broke your promise,” I said as I turned to face him. He looked more hurt than he did angry. I hated seeing him like this, especially when I knew I was the cause.

“You didn’t answer my question.”

“I didn’t want to hurt you,” I said, smiling slightly at the terrible irony of what had happened.

“So you thought you’d just break up with me and go off and fucking die? You actually thought I wouldn’t care, that even if we did break up, I wouldn’t be fucking devastated if you died?”

“Yes.”

“How long do you--”

“They said anywhere from six months to a year and a half.”

“There has to be something they can do,” Billie Joe said, more to himself than to me.

“There isn’t,” I whispered. “This is why I didn’t want to tell you.”

“I-I’m not mad at you, you have to understand that,” he stuttered. I nodded my head in understanding. “I want to spend whatever time you have left with you. Please don’t push me away. I need you. I want you to be my wife,” he said with a small smile.

_______________________________________

Four months after this, I was married to Billie Joe. As expected, my health declined more and more as time went on. I knew it was hard on him, but he made me happy, he gave me a reason to fight this for as long as I could. And I knew he was happy, despite all the difficulty.

A week after our wedding, I was gone. We were married a fucking week before it was all over. Obviously, Billie Joe did not handle this so well. I knew he would never do the thing I suggested to him, to find someone else that made him happy. The look on his face when I said that told me all I needed to know. He loved me more than I could have ever known, and he forgave me for lying to him for three months. That was all that mattered, I guess. He loved me despite my lies and my flaws. My life had been short, but I did accomplish one of the things everyone wants to accomplish, but rarely ever does; I found true love.