Wonderful Life

I still could not believe one of my best friends was gone. It still felt so surreal. Brian and the rest of the guys were a complete mess. Leanna was devastated, but we were all there for her. I just wish I had realized that his reasoning for giving me one of his drum kits was because he knew something like this would happen. I never thought that I would be saying goodbye to such a lively man so young. It wasn't right to me, but I couldn't do anything about it because it had already happened. I hadn't told Gemma yet because she would be too devastated to believe the news. Jimmy wasn't just a big brother to me, but to Gemma as well. He was a crazy one, but we both still loved him deeply.

I wasn't sure if I could pick up sticks again and drum like I really wanted to. Leanna had given Matt some music that Jimmy had been working on endlessly since before he died. Matt wasn't sure if they would go back to the studio, but they were going to talk about it. I hope that they were going to go back to the studio because that's where they were the happiest. It was going to be hard without Jimmy, but if I got back into my drumming then maybe I could drum for them. I wasn't counting on it though because Brian was a little hard headed and rather stubborn and there was the small fact that he didn't know about my secret passion. Sometimes I wonder if I am blood related to him since we act so much alike.

The funeral was scheduled and it was just a matter of time before we had to go and pay our last respects to someone who touched all of our lives with his spirit and wisdom. I would forever remember how much he helped me improve my drumming skills. I would take his lessons and advice to heart. I wasn't sure when I could start drumming again, but I knew that Jimmy wouldn't want me to give it up just because he was no longer around.
Work was hectic. It was one place I could go without breaking down. I kept my head held high and my emotions locked up so that I wouldn't give anything away.

"Colbie, Colbie, Colbie" Gemma's voice interrupted my thoughts.

"Huh, what," I asked blinking my eyes to rid myself of the thoughts.

"Are you okay," she asked sounding concerned.

"Yeah, I'm fine. Just thinking about something," I lied.

"Are you sure, because you've been acting weird since I got back from Australia," she said.

"It's nothing I promise," I told her with a forced smile.

"You do know that Brian will tell me if I ask him to," she grinned.

"He will, but only if I allow him to," I replied with a smirk so similar to Brian's I must have picked it up from him.

"Why won't you tell me, you tell me everything," she said growing worried again.

"Can I come over after work," I asked suddenly.

"Yeah sure, oh your drum kit is in the basement," she answered.

That was all it took for me to lose my carefully constructed composure. I got up from the table we were sitting at for lunch and left the cafeteria. The rest of my shift Gemma tried to talk to me again and ask me how I was doing, but I ignored her. I know that it wasn't the best thing to do, but hearing about the drum kit I was given was just too much for me to handle at the moment. It was still too new for me to grasp.

After my shift was over I clocked out and then headed towards Gemma's house. I let myself in and then walked to the basement where my drum kit was at. I could tell that Jimmy made sure it was set up properly. I ran my hand slowly over the cymbals and the rest of the kit. I felt like I was at home behind one. There were a bunch of drum sticks left with the kit and I knew that Jimmy had to make sure I had enough. He loved me so much and I knew he trusted me. The only way I could get over my grief for my friend was to sit down on the kit and drum like I'd never drum before. I sat down behind the kit, but didn't take up a pair of sticks just yet. I had to make myself feel comfortable. My phone rang bringing me out of my revere.

"Hello," I answered.

"Colbie, are you coming to the funeral tomorrow," Brian asked on the other end.

"Of course I am," I answered.

"Does Gemma know yet," he asked.

"No, I haven't been able to tell her yet. It's still too hard," I said.

"I know that, but she deserves to know. She was just as much a friend to him as you were," he said.

"I know. I'll tell her tonight before I come home," I replied.

"Alright then, see you soon," he said.

I hung up soon after. Before I could go back to my own healing process of the heart I heard the front door open. I found it odd since Gemma wasn't off of her shift until ten at night. It was only eight right now. She still had another two hours left. I moved away from my kit and then walked up the steps of the basement and towards the kitchen. When I reached the living room I felt the uneasiness settle in the pit of my stomach.

"What are you doing here Christian," I asked the figure standing by the fire place.

The figure turned around and I was facing Christian. I may not have been around him as long as Gemma had, but I could still see that he was bad news. I never mentioned my opinions to Gemma because I knew that she wouldn't appreciate it at all.

"I'm waiting for Gemma, what are you doing here," he asked me.

"Gemma's working, and I have business to be here. You however need to leave. Gemma didn't invite you here. Besides, I can assume that she's going to want to just sleep when
she comes home," I told him.

"Gemma is my best friend. She has been since she was four years old. I think I have a right to be here just as much as you do," he said.

He was a cocky son of a bitch and I didn't like him at all. I even expressed my concerns to Brian and Matt and they told me to just be careful around him. I always have been careful when it came to him, but he still made me uneasy. I didn't think so much time had passed while both of us had our staring match, but I heard the door open again. The door to the house opened again and I knew that it would be Gemma. She walked into the living room.

"What are you doing here Christian," she asked sounding tired.

"I came by to see you," he said pleasantly.

"Please leave. I'm tired and I need to talk to Colbie alone," she said.

"Alright, but we need to hang out sometime," he said walking over to her.

I watched as he kissed her cheek, but her expression told me everything. She wasn't interested in him like that. Christian finally left and then Gemma turned her attention to me.

"Now, would you like to explain your behavior this last week," she asked seriously.

"Actually yes I would," I said sadly.

"What's wrong Col," she asked using a nickname.

"Do you remember the night at the club in Australia," I asked her.

"The one where you ended up leaving early," she inquired.

"Yes, that one, well that night I got a phone call from Brian. He said I had to come home and come home right then and there. I told him that I was on the next flight home," I started to explain. I cleared my throat before continuing. "Well, when I got home Brian was there. He looked like he'd been crying, but he wouldn't tell me why. I kept asking him, but he wouldn't answer me. It wasn't until we got back to the house did he finally tell me what was wrong," I said. Again I had to pause because it was hard to say it out loud.

"What happened," she prodded.

"I found out that Jimmy died," I whispered bowing my head in sadness.

"I didn't quite hear you, what happened," she asked again.

"Jimmy died Gemma," I said a little louder.

"What," she asked shocked.

"Jimmy was found dead in his house three days after Christmas," I stated truthfully.

"But he was here, he was alive and well the day we left," she said.

"I know, that's what I had said, but it's true. The funeral is tomorrow and I'm sorry I couldn't tell you sooner," I said lowering my head to stare at the floor.

"Colbie, don't beat yourself up for not telling me sooner. I know that it must have been hard. I loved him as much as you did, but you had a connection with him that the guys did as well. Your love for the drums made you more special in Jimmy's eyes than anything. I knew that. He treated you like a little sister, but it was a brother/sister relationship that he cherished. I will come to the funeral to pay my respects to a wonderful man, but you have to promise me something," she said.

"What's that," I asked.

"Don't let his death take away your passion for the drums," she said placing her hands on my shoulders.

I smiled at her. We hugged and I was thankful to have her in my life. The funeral was tomorrow and I needed to be ready for it.

"I have to get back to Brian. He needs me right now," I said pulling away from the hug.

"I understand, but don't forget to keep your promise," she smiled.

"I won't," I said before leaving.

When I was back home I found Michelle in the kitchen. When she heard my footsteps she looked up at me. Her eyes were still red rimmed from the crying she had been doing the last few days.

"How is he," I asked her.

"He won't leave the room right now. He won't eat, he can't sleep without waking up crying," she said.

"This is hard on everyone though," I said.

"I know that," she said.

"How are you doing with all of this," I asked.

"It's hard. I mean he was such a huge part of this family. I can't imagine how any of us will get through the next few days," she said.

"We're going to have to though. You know that he's not going to want us to mourn too long," I pointed out.

"Yes, I do know that," she said.

I gave her a hug before heading up the stairs to see my brother. I found him lying on his bed with his back to the door. I entered his room and crawled onto the bed with him.

"Michelle please don’t," he mumbled.

"I'm not Michelle Brian. You can't push her away," I told him wrapping an arm around his middle as I snuggled up to his back.

He moved and I was now being held by him.

"Colbie how can you be so calm," he asked running his hand through my blond locks.

"I'm actually dying inside. I don't know how I'm going to live without that crazy fucker in our lives, but I know him and I know that he's not going to want us to waste our lives mourning him," I told him.

"How can we not though," he asked.

"I don't know," I whispered.

I actually did know how, but I also knew that telling my brother wouldn't make things any different. At least not at the moment it wouldn’t. I stayed with my brother that night because I didn't think he needed to be alone. I know Michelle would have stayed with him, but he was pushing her away at the moment. She'd been staying with Val and Matt lately because of it, but I knew she was hurting as well.

******

The next morning was slow moving for everyone. The day was never going to be forgotten, but it was going to be hard. I woke up to my brother already gone. I went back to my room to get ready for the day. I pulled out one of my only dresses that I ever owned. I wasn't big on wearing them, but I did own a few. This one was thankfully black. I wasn't going to wear any make-up because I was anticipating that I was going to cry. It was something that I couldn't control.When I finished putting the dress on I looked at myself in the mirror.

I knew that I didn't look all that great, but I also knew that it was because of my grief that I was looking the way that I did. I started brushing my hair out until it was straight. After I blow dried my hair it ended up going back to my natural waves. I pinned my hair back so that my bangs were out of my face. Taking one last look in the mirror I felt that I was ready to go.
I walked out of my room and down the stairs. Brian was standing in the living room in a black suit. Michelle was there as well. They both turned around when they heard my heels against the wooden floor.

"Ready," Brian asked solemnly.

"As ready as I'll ever be," I said with sadness clearly in my tone.

We left the house. Brian stopped at Gemma's and Gemma joined our little mourning party. After Brian pulled away from Gemma's house we headed to the grave site where Jimmy would be buried. Leanna had already ordered the headstone and it would have the Death bat on it as a symbolism of his greatness. The funeral was short and private. All the guys were grateful that fans left them alone and let them mourn in peace. After the burial service we all gathered at Matt's house.

The whole gathering was rather quiet and sullen. Everyone was still shocked that a best friend could be taken as suddenly as Jimmy was. I could tell that they were all in denial. Brian said that I should take Gemma home and that he would be fine at Matt's for awhile. I agreed. Gemma had to get to school in the next couple of days and she needed to be ready for it. Gemma followed me out to the truck. She climbed in, but Leanna stopped me before I could get to the driver's side.

"Colbie, I was told to give you this," she said handing me a folder.

"What's this," I asked taking it.

"Jimmy told me to give it to you when you came home. He was acting rather odd about the whole thing, but he told me to give it to you," she stated.

"Alright, thanks," I said.

I gave her a hug before entering the truck. I drove to Gemma's house in silence. Gemma knew that today was especially difficult, but I was still grateful for her company. The folder was sitting between us and I couldn't help, but steal glances at it every so often. When I finally pulled into her driveway we both just sat in the truck for awhile. It was surprisingly a rather comfortable silence. We finally both sighed and exited the truck. I made sure to grab the folder because I wanted to take a look at what was inside of it. I also had the urge to sit behind the drum kit located in the basement. I wasn't sure how long I was going to be, but I knew I couldn't stay too long. I had to go back to Matt's for Brian and Michelle.

Gemma went upstairs to change, but I headed straight for the basement. I didn't really care that I was still in my dress. I just needed to sit behind the drum kit. I grabbed a pair of sticks from one of the holders and pretended to play. I didn't really want to make music at the moment, but I wanted to imagine that I was. It was one way that I knew Jimmy would be with me. I knew that he would always be with me whenever I sat behind a drum kit. I was thankful for that feeling because it helped with my healing process as well.