What Could Have Been

We walked back into my house hand and hand, mindlessly talking and laughing about whatever came to our minds. We had decided to just forgive and forget, to put pretty much everything behind us and start over. It made me happy to know that I was wrong for all of those years. I thought if people knew about Natalie they wouldn't like me, but that wasn't true.

Well, as far as I know it isn't.

I stopped right before we turned the corner to go into the living room, where I expected everyone to be. It was too quiet for me, except for the smooth voices of my mother and Pattie.

"What's wrong?" Justin asked.

"What if they all hate me? Oh my God, your mom is going to be pissed." I said, realizing that I had never thought about what his mom would do. "I should just die now. I mean, she'll kill me anyways and-"

"Shut up, you know my mom adores you." He interrupted, shaking his head. "And she had me when she was young, maybe she'll understand."

"She was seventeen, not fourteen." I said. He bit his lip, but tried to look away so I wouldn't see how nervous he was. I did, though, and it didn't make me feel any better.

"Let's just get this over with." I mumbled, running a hand through my bangs. "You got my back, right?" I asked, trying to smile. He nodded quickly, and took my hand again as we walked into the room, making everything silent again. I noticed that my sister, dad, and Ryan weren't in the room anymore, and it worried me. Natalie was sitting on Pattie's lap, surprisingly, and she looked as innocent and adorable as ever. But pale. Much too pale.

"Why would run off like that? You know Natalie hates when you do that! She just stopped crying about it!" My mother rambled while pulling me into random hugs. She finally stepped back and gave me a look, then nodded her head to outside. There, sitting on the two seater swing set was the last person I wanted to talk to, but probably the first person I needed to talk to.

I sighed as my shoulders slumped. I slipped my hand out of Justin's, gave him the same look my mother gave me. He nodded sympathetically, but his face was hard and the frown reappeared. I closed my eyes and made my way outside.

Before I even sat down on the swing, he spoke.

"I just don't get why you didn't tell me." He said in a low, hurt voice. I gulped and sat down slowly.

"I.. I thought it was for the best." I said. That made him look up, revealing his red, puffy eyes.

"How? How would it be better than finding out like this?" He asked.

"Well it's not like I predicted this was going to happen!" I said, my voice getting louder as I got angrier. "I mean, what were the chances of this happening? I still don't want to believe it."

"So you were just going to let me live my whole life without knowing I have a daughter?"

I winced. I never thought of it like that. I never thought he would have cared. "I guess so."

"Wow." He sat back and shook his head, looking amazed. "You know, I always believed that you were the nicest person I had ever met. You were so innocent, and genuine. But I guess I was just flat out wrong."

"Oh, and like you're any better." I blurted out without thinking. "This is all your fault you know! I never wanted you to.. You know what, I'm done. Just go one believing that it's all my fault for being scared."

"Scared? Why would you be scared? You had a choice, too! You're the one who said yes!" I was completely aware that we were yelling, and everyone inside could probably hear us. Not word for word, but still.

"It's not like you made it any easy choice! I was young, and stupid, and you know that! You took advantage of that!"

He didn't say anything, didn't look at me, and I think he didn't even breath after I said that. "I told you I was sorry, didn't I?" He said after awhile, seeming to calm down.

"Sorry doesn't exactly cut it."

"What do you want me to say, then?"

"Nothing." I said, standing up. "I would appreciate if you just left me alone."

"You know I can't do that. What I said at the hotel is still true, and now that I know about Natalie everything is going to change." He told me, standing up as well.

I felt a tear slip down my cheek as I crossed my arms. "Why do you have to make things so fucking difficult, huh? Why can't you be the same guy I met all those years ago? Why can't this all be not real?" I asked. I think I was mostly asking myself, not him.

"I am still that guy." He said, moving so that he was standing in front of me now. "Why can't you see that I'm sorry from the bottom of my heart?"

I looked up at him and shook my head, then walked around him and into the house without saying another word.

"It's too late to apologize, it's too late."