What Could Have Been

I'm pretty sure the people in my hometown don't miss me at all. I wasn't the most popular girl, or the biggest loser. I wasn't a trouble maker, but I didn't suck up to all of my elders. I was just one of those students no one cares to mess with, and I was okay with that, honestly. Just like pretty much everyone else my age, I just existed.

Then I met him. He had moved to our tiny country town from some place in Canada. With his shaved head and blue eyes, he kind of looked like Ryan Sheckler. Which is ironic, since his name was Ryan as well. And there was that cute accent of his to top it all off. To put it simply, he was one of those guys you just couldn't forget, no matter how hard you try.

Most new kids don't get a second glance when they arrive at my old high school. And he was a freshman, too. So that should have sent him to the bottom of the student food chain almost instantly. But, he was good looking, and had more than 5 teeth, unlike most guys in that town, so the popular girls and guys snatched him up. For some reason though, he didn't pay much attention to them. It was me who got the pleasure of becoming his new toy to play with.

At first he was the sweetest boy I had ever met. The perfect gentleman. He was nice to my friends -- at least that's what I called the, We weren't close, they were just nice enough to talk to me -- and he was amazing for my parents. I thought we were living the teenage dream. That was, until he wanted take "the next step".

I don't blame him for asking me, I mean we had been going out for about 7 months up until then. But he was the first guy I had ever dated -- not that I ever told him that -- so I didn't know what to expect. When your first boyfriend, kiss, everything is all from one guy, you don't know what to do. You've never had experience to know if it's the right thing or not. You don't know the "bases" and how far you're supposed to go in that period of dating time.

But, like the idiot farm girl I was, I agreed. I had watched movies about it, and of course there is sex-ed and everything in middle school, but I never expected anything like what I got. He knew what he was doing, that much was clear. It kind of made me mad in a way. I had grown up learning that you're supposed to save sex for marriage, and this 14 year old has done "it" before? He seemed like an expert, and that just wasn't right to me.

And yet, something about it seemed so right. I knew I loved him, but did he love me? The girls in the movies could tell if the guys did or not, but I wasn't lucky enough to have that ability. Being the totally clueless girl I was back then, I listened to his words. I believed him when he said "I love you". But I shouldn't have, and I know that now.

I can still feel his cold hands running up and down my body like I was a new toy he had gotten for Christmas or something. His eyes were dark and cloudy, and they scared my innocent 14 year old mind. He kept whispering, "It'll be okay," -- but it was far from "okay". It hurt like hell. Everyone makes out your first time to be amazing, and passionate. Mine? Mine was rough, hard, and very, very uncomfortable. My lips still hurt from than night, and I'm pretty sure I still have the bruises, even though that was 3 years ago.

If I was as mature and knowledgeable then as I am now, I know for sure that would have never happened in a million years. Too many bad things came out of that night. My family was forced to move because of the shame I was causing them. It was two weeks after the night it happened when I found out, and three weeks after that I never saw that boy, the first boy I ever loved and trusted, again.

And trust me, there's not a day I don't regret everything that happened with him.

"I just wanna use your love, tonight.."