What Could Have Been

I don't know how long I stood there, staring at Ryan with all the anger I could muster up. Just the sight of him made me want to put him in a hospital bed, and if he wasn't my boyfriend's best friend -- I probably would have. In fact, I was about to pounce when I remembered that.. Oh, and when Caitlin finally broke the silence. She stepped over to me and put her hands lightly on my shoulders.

"Care to explain?" She asked in barely a whisper.

I scoffed. "Why don't you ask this douche bag? I'll be.. Anywhere he isn't." I spat, walking away from the group, who looked beyond confused. I had told my second white lie that day when I said I was going to be elsewhere. I actually waited until everyone turned towards him and eavesdropped to hear what he said.

If I wasn't trying to be sneaky, I would have launched a fist in his face after the first words he said.

"How the hell do you two know each other?" Caitlin asked, surprising me with the use of a cuss word. Even that one was big for her.

"We don't know each other.." He said after a few seconds. My blood boiled, just thinking about what he might tell them made me furious. After getting past my anger, I noticed that no one was talking, just staring at him. His face had a pained expression on it, like he was hurt but deep in thought. Then he spoke again.

"It's more like we knew each other. Years ago, though. I'm surprised I even recognized her.." I didn't know if I should take that as bad or good. Then I remembered it was Ryan and punched my thoughts in the face for being self conscious about something he had said. Caitlin through her hands up in the air.

"That doesn't answer my question! How did you "know" her and why does she obviously hate you?!" She screamed.

"When I moved a few years ago it was to her town and then we met and started dating and then stuff happened that I regret and she left.. And now I guess she hates me." I frowned at how sad he sounded. Why would he be sad, though? I should be the sad one, and he definitely didn't regret what happened. He enjoyed that night. He enjoyed taking away the only thing a girl has control over. I bit my lip to try and stop from crying.

"What happened?" Caitlin asked.

"I said, stuff." He told her with one of the angriest voices I had ever heard. I took that as my time to stand up and cut in.

"And you can't tell Justin." Was all I said before actually walking away, out of sight.

.::.

I didn't come out of the room Justin and I shared until the next day, and that was only because he persuaded me with that charming side of him that I hated, yet fell in love with. He said that he wanted me to get to know his friends. I'm glad I didn't blurt out, "Well I already know one of them pretty damn good." like an idiot. So I got ready as slowly as I could, taking the time to put on my outfit ten minutes longer than usual. I even braided my bangs and pinned them back with a bobby pin. Once I looked as good as I was going to get, I slowly stepped out of the room and into the hallway leading to the front of the hotel room.

I automatically heard voices. Some of them I recognized, and loved. Some were unfamiliar, yet I wanted to get to know them. Then there was a voice that i knew all to well -- one I wanted to burn in a fire. After gaining enough courage, I stepped out into view, getting the attention of Caitlin first. She quietly walked over to me as everyone else stayed in their conversation.

She hugged me quickly, giving me the best smile she could. "I would have comforted you yesterday.. But I didn't know if you were calm enough yet." She laughed, with me along with her. I was kind of known for my temper tantrums.

"It's alright. I needed to simmer down on my own anyways." I said.

"Any chance that you'd tell me what actually happened?" She asked, trying to be hopeful. I smiled at her and shrugged.

"When I'm ready. It's a lot to try and break down at once.." I bit my lip as we neared the group of guys. We were still going unnoticed until Christian had to be his perky self and point us out like we were in the middle of a million people.

"Maddieee--!" He shrieked, running at me like a freight train. I laughed as he engulfed me in a hug that matched the one from the day before. He finally let go after about a minute.

"My gosh, you give long hugs." I said, ruffling his hair. He stuck his tongue out at me and ran back to his original spot. Justin walked over to me with a warming smile that instantly calmed down me nerves a little. I was still on edge, and hadn't dared look anywhere but people's faces, but I was calmer with him around.

He squeezed me to his body, resting his chin on my shoulder. "I'm glad you finally decided to come out of that room. What was wrong, anyways? Did the guys give you a rough time?" He asked in a playful matter, looking back at all three of them. Ryan smirked at me devilishly, obviously taking his comment pervertidly. I didn't say anything, trying not to edge it on. Caitlin had a different idea.

"You have no idea." She mumbled. Justin's head snapped towards her and I hit her in the shoulder, hard.

"Whoops! I mean.. Nuh-uh! She was just feeling sick, right?" She gave me an apologetic look.

I nodded my head quickly, "Y-yeah. I felt sick. Sorry, you guys, I didn't mean to seem rude." I said to the other two boys. They gave me smiles, signaling that it was okay. My shoulders lessened in rigidness as I walked backwards. It was hard in my heels and the carpet, but I managed.

"So, are we going or what?" I asked, walking towards the door. Everyone else mumbled things like, "Yeah, let's go," and stuff. My heart pounded as Justin grabbed my elbow, pulling me back to let everyone walk out the door but us. Once no one was around, he turned to me.

"Are you sure every thing's okay? If you don't want to come today i totally understand-" He started, but I happily cut him off.

"I'm fine, trust me. And I want to come, I missed Caitlin and Christian and want to get to know your other friends." I grinned the best I could at him. He grinned right back but his was probably real. His arms locked around me.

"I love you, you know that right?" He asked, sending shivers down my spine. I giggled without control and nodded, squeaking out a, "Mhm." After he pulled away, he walked out the door too.

"I'll be right there, I forgot something." I said, walking over to a table to grab my sunglasses. Once those were on my face I walked out the front door, closing it behind me. I was about to make my way down the hallway when my elbow was grabbed once again, and I was pulled back and pushed against the door I just walked out of.

I looked up in panic, only to see Ryan. His arms were on either side of me, making it impossible for me to get away. I gave him a death stare, as he gave me one right back. But there was something different being his look, something I couldn't put my finger on. We didn't say anything either, just stared at each other. Then, he just suddenly walked away, out of my sight.

I tried to start breathing again as I myself walked down the hallway, to go put on an act for my boyfriend and friends who knew nothing about my dark past.

"I've got some issues that nobody can see.."