What Could Have Been

It was one of those normal yet strange days again. It was raining outside, with the occasional claps of thunder and lightning. There was no TV, so we had put the Drake CD in my battery operated radio and let it play on a low volume, while we all sat and talked in a big circle. 'We' being me, Justin, and his friends. At the time I still wasn't over the whole car conversation Ryan and I had had, so I was just trying to ignore him.

The talking had died down now, so I'm guessing everyone was just trying to listen to 'Up All Night'. I was laying down on the couch in the room, with my head in Justin's lap while had played with my hair. Everyone else sat in the chairs or on the floor. We were all just minding our own business until the talking started again.

"You have a cute nose." Justin told me, poking it lightly. I giggled, totally forgetting about everyone else in the room.

"You have a cute everything." I told him right back, winking. I heard two of the boys groan suddenly, knowing exactly which two it was. I glanced over and saw Ryan glaring at us. I rolled my eyes and turned my attention back to my beautiful boyfriend's face.

"You guys are gross." I heard Chaz say. I laughed and turned my head to look at him.

"You're just mad no one loves you." I joked, sticking my tongue out at him. He cracked a smile and laughed, not saying anything back.

"Hey, no being mean to my friends. They can't help it that they can't get amazing girls like you." Justin said, leaning down to kiss me. It earned more groans from the two, and a throat cleared from the other one. I whipped my head over to him and glared. He glared right back, but then softened his face and looked down.

"Please stop before I puke." Nolan said, holding his hand up in a joking matter. I quickly stood up and went over to pinch his cheek and Chaz's.

"You two are so adorable. I just wanna eat your faces." I giggled, walking over to the radio. "Oh yes please." Chaz joked, standing up quickly. I rolled my eyes and switched the Drake CD for my iPod and turned on the song 'Mine' by Taylor Swift. It had just came out on iTunes, but I already knew all of the words. I turned around grinned devilishly, walking over to the couch where Justin sat.

"No, no. I'm all up for singing some Drake but Taylor Swift.. No." He said, automatically knowing what I wanted to do. Which was just dance around have fun. We did it often when there was nothing else to do.. But I had the feeling he would be embarrassed if his friends saw him doing it.

Which is exactly why I wanted to.

"Oh come on, you're the best at this song!" I lied, dragging him to his feet by his arms. He shook his head stubbornly and sat himself back down, bring me with him. I stayed put on his lap and fake pouted.

"You're no fun. I guess if you won't sing it, I will." I grinned, hoping that would get him. I'm one of the most terrible singers on the planet. It's very hard to endure, trust me. "Do you remember we were sittin' there by the water. You put your arm around me, for the first time." I sang horribly, letting my hick accent slip out while I pointed a finger in his face. He shook with laughter, and so did everyone else.

"You made a rebel of a careless man's careful daughter," I kept singing, just to torture them. Finally Justin got the hint and sang the rest of the chorus with me.

"You are the best thing, that's ever been mine." We fell back onto the couch laughing our heads off for no apparent reason. That moment was of the happiest of my life. But of course, that moment had to be ruined.

Right before we were about to sing the second verse, Ryan got up angrily and walked into the bathroom of the hotel room and slammed the door. The song played on, but we all sat there stunned. At that moment, I didn't know why he was being such a jackass. No one did anything to him, in fact, everyone was ignoring him pretty much. At least I was..

"What the fucks up with him?" Chaz wondered out loud. I rolled my eyes with humor on how weird it sounded when he cussed. I stood up slowly and walked over to turn the music off. Without a word to anyone, I opened the door to the bathroom, pulled Ryan out, and pushed him through the hotel room and out into the hallway. I held up a finger, signaling that we would be back in a minute. Well, "we" if I didn't kill him before hand.

I walked him down to the end of the hall for some privacy before exploding on him.

"What the fuck has been up your ass lately? Seriously, you've been acting-"

He cut me off. "Can you please stop talking?" He asked in a low voice. I stared at him with a blank expression, not knowing why he was being so.. Weird.

"I'm sorry for exploding back there." He apologized. It was the second time he had actually sounded believable. I was getting worried. "It's just.. Seeing you and him acting all.. Lovey and everything.. It hurts, Mads." He told me. My jaw dropped while I stared.

"What? W-why would it.. Hurt?"

"After you left unexpectedly, people started talking. They said horrible things about you, like you left because you were pregnant or something, and that you were going to get rid of the unwanted child. But I denied them all, because I knew that couldn't be true. You were too good of a person to do something like that. My family moved back to Canada a couple months after that.. Yet, I always had you somewhere in my mind. I know it's been years, but I've kept a soft spot for you, Maddie. I.. I still love you." He explained.

I started crying. No, I started balling. How could he go from being a selfish jerk to what he was being then? I wanted to punch him, and kick him, and let out all my anger I had been bottling up. But then again, I wanted to hug him, and tell him it was okay, and I can't lie, I wanted to kiss him too.

"Stop it. Just.. Just stop. You don't love me. You can't. Not now. Not when everything is going good finally." I leaned up against the nearest wall and let the tears slip out of my eyes in a frenzy.

"Why.. Why did you leave?" He asked, walking closer. I backed up into the corner, trying to stay as far away as possible.

"It's none of your business." I snapped, trying to calm down. He was about to say something else when footsteps came towards us and Justin appeared.

"Um, is everything okay?" He looked over at me and gasped. "Maddie, are you okay?" He asked. I ran over to him quickly and threw my arms around him, still crying.

"C'mon, you should lay down or something." He started walking back to hotel room backwards, probably so he could say or do something to Ryan. Whatever it was, I hope it was bad. In that moment I wanted to hate Ryan so much, that it hurt. But I couldn't because truth be told, over the years even I had kept a soft spot for him as well. And it was getting softer and softer by the minute.

"Darlin' I'd still catch a grenade for ya'..