Good Riddance

Another turning point, a fork stuck in the road,
time grabs you by the wrist, directs you where to go.
So make the best of this test and don't ask why,
it's not a question but a lesson learned in time.
It's something unpredictable, but in the end is right,
I hope you had the time of your life...

When the wedding invitation arrived three weeks ago, Frank nearly destroyed his room. He ripped off the curtains, knocked off the dresser sending everything on it to the floor, threw his bed sheets and covers out of the window and stabbed his pillow. Leaving his mother to wonder what had gotten into him, he then walked out of the house to go get wasted.
It'd been two years since he last had an anger fit like that. It was bound to happen eventually, and that invitation had been the perfect trigger. That, and the little note that came with it.

"Dear Frankie: I know we haven't talked in two years, and I can also imagine how much I hurt you back then (reason why I didn't dare visit you while home anymore), but this is a very important moment in my life and I'd love to share it with you. I still consider you my best friend. I hope you found someone to love too, and were able to forgive me after all this time. I've missed you...see you soon? -Gerard."

For two years Frank had played it cool. He told everybody that he was fine, that he'd expected it anyway so it wasn't a surprise. He went to college not far from home; got lost in his psychology books to keep his mind occupied, but would often end up trying to figure out Gerard's. He didn't tell anyone how he felt, though. He saved it for himself because he was too proud to admit that he couldn't forget him, couldn't forgive him, couldn't let him go.

Soon his head had been too crowded to retain anything else; so he quit college, found a crappy job at a supermarket and joined a local band. Singing his heart out and beating the shit out of his guitar helped release some tension, but he still felt lost in his own bubble. His interaction with people was minimal -limited to his close friends. He'd unconsciously built a wall around him that stopped him from getting too close to anyone. Gerard had been his first and only, he had never even kissed again.

But Frank's fake coolness of two years had been shot dead by the contents of that simple white envelope, the one he had torn to pieces together with the stupid yellow note. The invitation, however, had survived his emotional tsunami. It'd gotten lost among the clothes, papers, broken glass and several other things scattered through the floor that evening. It had been waiting for him in his cleaned up room, neatly placed atop his restored dresser when he returned home the next morning with the worst hangover ever.

He wasn't able to throw it away, maybe because he needed it to remind him that it was time to close that chapter; to face the past and go on with his life. He had taken the first step that same day, when he called his friend Bob and told him the whole story. Bob didn't give any opinion; he just listened and let Frank hug him and cry on his shoulder for as long as needed. Frank felt much lighter after that.

************

Now it's the day of the wedding -the hour too- and Frank is staring at the invitation for the first time in three weeks. This time he doesn't feel any rage, just resignation. It's a simple glossy rectangle of paper with fancy silver letters and cheesy lines -all that framed by delicate flowery patters. It's teasing him, but he can't allow it to succeed, not again.

Something else had made it out of his breakdown alive, and stands frameless but proud on a shelf. Two pairs of happy eyes -a 12 year-old Frankie's and a 15 year-old Gerard's- stare back at him, encouraging him. Frank clutches the big red box in his arms tighter and walks towards his bed.
There are lots of things inside the box, all related to Frank and Gerard. Half of it is filled with photographs, letters and little gifts from the first three years of their relationship. Three years of deep friendship and innocent love.

Frank can't pinpoint the exact moment when they became more than friends, but it had been some time in between the 7th and 8th year of school for him -about two years after they first met.

************

Gerard was aware that Frank was very young, and he wasn't much older himself, so they wouldn't try to go too far. Minus the classes, they would spend the whole days together; talking, laughing, listening to music and singing along, chasing each other, stealing kisses behind trees or in their rooms. Adults didn't seem to suspect anything or if they did, they found what they had too pure and adorable to interfere.

************

The other half of the box holds the bittersweet part of their story, a slow and gradual goodbye that Frank refused to recognize as such until it was too late, the one he now needs to relive.

On top of the pile is a photograph that Mikey had taken the day his brother -Gerard- left for college. Gerard is hugging Frank from behind, chin resting on his shoulder. Both of them are trying to smile, but the smiles don't reach their eyes -which are glassy and puffy from crying for hours.

************

Frank tried to be brave, he knew it was the best for his boyfriend. Gerard had exhaustively looked for alternatives that wouldn't force him to live so far away from home, but every opportunity -except for that one- had failed. Frank understood, yet it hurt, the moment had come right when their relationship was slowly maturing. And he still had three years of high school ahead...

"I'll come home at least four times a year, I promise. And we'll do something special every time, so you'll have good memories to keep you entertained until the next one."

"Four times a year is not enough..."

"I know, Frankie, just for three years, okay? When you turn 18 then we'll see..."

"Okay, I love you..."

"I love you too, baby, you'll be always on my mind..."

************

Frank's fingers work fast as he browses through the numerous letters Gerard had sent him during the first months apart from each other. Of course they'd also talk on the phone a lot, send text messages or use MSN when Gerard could get to a computer, but old-school letters were their thing. Letters held a more special feeling to them, and they were also where they dared say those things they were too shy to express through any other medium.

In between the letters, there are random pieces of paper with the silly drawings Frank would doodle while on the phone with Gerard. They are embarrassing, but he had wanted a souvenir from that hopelessly in love kid he used to be. The older Frank now giggles at them and shakes his head.

He rummages through all kinds of objects he kept from Gerard's first visit: funny and romantic pictures, restaurant bills -okay, mostly McDonald's, chocolate wrappers and movie tickets. They had missed each other so much that they wanted to make up for lost time by doing a million things a day, so it was hard to think of one special memory. Frank's eyes set instead on an item from Gerard's winter visit that same first year.

It's a piece of cast, yellowed and dirty, but he can still see what had been drawn on it: a cartoon version of Gerard, on his knees and with his hands together like praying, his mouth contorted in a dramatic fashion. Inside of a dialog cloud it reads "I'M SORRY!!!". A corner of the cast had been perforated, a golden string with five sleighbells hanging from the hole.

************

During the first two days of that visit Frank barely saw Gerard. He had told him to be patient because he was working on a surprise. That information only made Frank super curious, so he'd call the other's house all the time to beg for a hint, ask if it was ready or declare that he hated surprises so Gerard should just show him it.

When he finally beheld the red sled Gerard had built, he wasn't able to contain his happiness. It was so perfect -with bells attached everywhere and rows of painted mistletoe leaves and berries- that he literally squealed, tackled Gerard and kissed him all over.

They didn't wait long to get on the sled, Gerard taking the reins with Frank sitting in front of him, a look of glee as he glanced ahead from the top of the small snowed hill. Mikey pushed them and they went down screaming, with a mix of fear and amusement. The first half of the slide was a success, but they had been too excited to remember to previously check the slope for obstacles. A big rock caused the sledge to stop violently, sending both boys flying forward. After the initial shock they began to laugh, and it took a while for Gerard to notice that Frank's tears weren't just of laughter.

"F-frankie, are you hurt?"

"Yeah, my leg hurts like f-fuck but...OH MY GOD, THAT WAS FUN! How about you?"

"I'm fine, don't worry, can you walk?"

"Uh...nope, I think it's broken. FUCK! Now I won't be allowed to ride the sled anymore!"

"That...that's all you care about?"

"And what else? We only r-rode it once! Ouch..."

"But...YOUR LEG IS BROKEN! Oh my God, oh my Good look at it...it's bent all weird! Fuck...I'm sorry, Frankie, I didn't want you to get hurt I...OH MY GOD..."

"Can you stop freaking out and help me stand and get inside?"

"Oh...I...okay, okay. Fuck I'm so, so sorry..."

"...and stop apologizing, Gee, it was fucking awesome!"

Gerard didn't stop apologizing. He kept doing it all the way to the hospital as Frank's mom drove them, then also while the doctor checked Frank's leg and made him cry, and even more so when he saw a nurse rolling him back to them with a cast up to his knee.

Ridden with guilt -even though no one had blamed him, Gerard settled in Frank's house -only going back to his for Christmas- and proclaimed himself his servant. He'd carry him everywhere, hand him everything he needed, help him bath and keep him entertained with books, movies and video games.

Having to sit still was the worst torture in the world to Frank, so he appreciated the company, although Gerard could get a little annoying sometimes with his exaggerated helpfulness and the never-ending apologies. He'd insisted on carrying Frank even after he was allowed to step on the cast. Frank tried to protest, but had to admit that he loved the attention, the closeness and the kisses he got while being transported through the house.

He missed Gerard more than ever when he had to leave after the holidays.

************

As the memories from that first year accumulate on the bed beside him, Frank smiles at the next thing in sight: a rather big daisy inside of a thin, transparent box.

He'd kept it in between the pages of his history book for two months -it had to be good for something- before buying it a resting place that could preserve its beauty and importance. The moment attached to it was simple, nonetheless magical.

************

It was spring and the day was unusually warm for April when Gerard picked Frank up for lunch. He knew Gerard loved to play secretive to enervate him, so he resigned as soon as he figured out he wouldn't be getting any answers.

It puzzled Frank to see that they drove past the commercial part of town -where all the restaurants were, then even beyond the city limits and into the wooded area. Curiosity took over again and the questions didn't wait to make a comeback, but no response was needed when Gerard stopped the car and got a portable fridge out of the trunk. Frank instantly shut up and grinned.

The clearing among the trees that his boyfriend had chosen was a perfect spot and they'd gotten there at the perfect time, the sun shinning in the exact middle of it. All the flowers that didn't appreciate the dense shadow casted by those green giants bloomed proudly inside their private circle of light.

They ate in silence; only communicating through love stares, short kisses, mutual feeding and satisfied sighs. They wanted to enjoy the sounds of nature, and they preferred to avoid conversations that might remind them of Gerard having to leave again soon. They were together there and then, and that was all that mattered.

Lying on the grass and feeling full and calm, Frank had closed his eyes and was about to fall asleep when something nearly knocked the air off his lungs. The first thing he saw when he opened his eyes -and his mouth to protest- was a daisy, right in front of his nose. Behind it -and straddling Frank- was Gerard, smiling like a fool.

"Sorry, I just couldn't help diving on you. I thought you couldn't be any prettier, but the combination of food, sunlight and happiness seems to have done the trick! Uh, Frankie...did I tell you that I fucking love you a fucking lot?"

"Yes, you did. And did I tell you that you're fucking cheesy but I fucking adore it 'cause it's fucking you?"

"What's fucking me?"

"Uh?"

"You said something was fucking me..."

"No I didn't..."

The playful argument went on for a while, their laughter scaring the birds away until it quieted down once their lips found something better to do. Their fingers laced together held the daisy as a symbol of their love, and it ended up behind Frank's ear when it was time to go back home.

************

Discarding some more letters on his quilt, Frank pauses to open a can of beer he'd grabbed earlier. While taking a sip, he contemplates a plastic bag full of Coke lids. They symbolically represent the hundreds they consumed during the summer in between Gerard's first and second years of college.

************

Frank would often beg Gerard to buy them some beer, but the other always said he wasn't going to initiate him into alcohol drinking and then leave. Therefore they'd only get drunk on Coke, completely high on sugar and caffeine to the point of laughing at the mere air. It was fun to make people think they were on drugs when it was so far from the truth.

************

"In a way...you eventually kinda did what you didn't want to do, Gerard..." Frank chuckles darkly, drinking some more beer.