Good Riddance

With a few photographs in his hands, Frank laughs softly. Six boys -one being himself- are sitting on a couch, making stupid faces to the camera. In one photo, his old schoolmate Matt -thankfully just as small as him- is spread across their laps. He had landed like that trying to get into the picture before the camera timer went off. In the next two, Frank and Mikey had obviously been the last ones to arrive respectively. "Let the smaller ones set the camera, they'll make themselves fit quicker", James had told Gerard -who owned the device.

It's the last picture that has Frank staring at it for several minutes. It's so funny, so special, yet at the same time so sad if he thinks about it. He's sitting on Gerard's lap in the middle of the couch, his arms around his boyfriend's shoulders as they kiss. Behind them, Mikey and Ray are rolling their eyes and holding signs. Ray's says: "Public Display of Affection that we always have to deal with" and Mikey's: "Can you tell we're not amused?" They had been joking, of course, so that's not the part of the visual memory causing those mixed emotions in Frank.

Everything would be great about the photograph is that wasn't the closest to Gerard Frank had been during that winter. They had kissed like that some other times, or they'd cuddle on the couch while watching movies. The problem had been that they were always with the other guys while doing it.

************

It's not like every time Gerard visited they'd spend it all by themselves, that would have been rude and selfish since his friends missed him too. What's more, the guys were also Frank's friends, so they had a lot of fun together. However, Gerard and Frank would always have their alone days -or nights. It was only logical for a couple, right? Well, it didn't happen that winter. Gerard purposely avoided being alone with Frank. He admitted it when Frank was finally able to corner him in Ray's kitchen.

"Gee...why don't you want to be alone with me?"

"It's...it's not that, Frank..."

"Don't bullshit me. You haven't invited me anywhere, rejected all of my ideas and just insist that we hang out with the guys. You know I don't mind but...what about us, Gerard? What did I do? Are you mad at me or something?"

"What? No Frankie, I swear it's not that! I do want to be with you, it's just..."

"I'm not getting you..."

"I just think that we always get too close every time I visit, we spend so much time together than then it's harder to be far away from each other again. It'll be easier this way..."

"That doesn't make sense...we've done this for two and a half years already! I'm 18, Gee, not a fucking kid anymore. I'll be out of high school rather soon. Why do you come up with this now? T-tell me the truth...what are you hiding?"

"It's...f-fuck, please don't cry... I swear I'm not hiding anything from you, baby, I love you. I just thought it'll be easier for you to concentrate in school, you know? Haven't you told me you're too distracted after I leave each time?"

"Yeah, but..."

"It's the final effort, Frankie. You need to do good in school so then you'll be free to decide on your future..."

"Our future...you promised to kidnap me."

"I didn't promise, I said I might..."

"Whatever."

"So...you agree?"

"Not really, but maybe you're right..."

"Let's give it a try? We can still kiss and hug..."

"Okay. But if this stupid idea of yours doesn't help my concentration, I get some 'us' time on spring, no fucking excuses."

"Deal!"

Frank's concentration at school didn't get much better. He still couldn't get Gerard out of his head, and the lack of recent strong memories together made him miss his boyfriend even more. But in spite of the deal -which he'd reminded Gerard of on the phone, Frank got no 'them' time. And not only that: he got no Gerard at all in spring. He called a week before the break to let him know he had a lot of work to do for college, therefore would be using those free days to get together with some classmates. He sounded mortified, and promised Frank to make up for it during summer, when they'd have a lot of time to be together.

************

Frank sighs, looking at where those spring memories should have been. There are no letters from around those times either.

************

He had sent Gerard two letters telling him about some funny anecdotes from school and relating their friends' -and his brother's- last stupid adventures, hoping it would help him relax after studying; but he never got an answer. He assumed Gerard was very busy and didn't insist.

The phone conversations also felt weird. Gerard sounded cold to Frank, reserved. There were no laughs, no random cheesy lines or sexual insinuations. It felt methodical, routine. Gerard, of course, denied that there was anything wrong, so Frank put his strange behavior down to stress. A few more months, that's all he had to wait.

It was hard to leave all worries aside, but Frank succeeded. He did what Gerard had advised and set his mind exclusively on finishing high school. He worked twice as hard to excel in all the finals and improve all of his grades. He was still far from the best students in his class, but graduated with pretty good scores.

He had been accepted to two universities. One was in the same city as Gerard's -and a very decent choice too. The other was an excellent local one. Frank had perfectly clear what he wanted to do, but his mom insisted that he didn't rush to choose, just in case. "Wait until you can see Gerard and talk to him," she had said. She probably presaged something...

************

There's only one thing left on that bittersweet side of the box, and it's a simple piece of paper; the sole remnant of what was once a letter. Frank has always wondered why he even kept that little segment, and now he has an answer. He needed a physical reminder of that moment just like he needed one of all the previous memories. He needed something to look at while evoking that day for the last time.

His beer is lukewarm by now but he finishes it anyway, his hands are trembling with nerves and it's all he has within reach.

************

Frank had been desperately waiting for that special Sunday to come, the one when Gerard would be back home, the first day of another summer and -hopefully- a life together. Time couldn't go any slower. The anxiety was easier to manage while hanging out with his friends, but once he was alone in his room it'd drive him up the walls.

With only one week of suffering left, Frank got mail. It surprised him to see it was from Gerard, but figured he had heard the desperation in the last message he'd left on his answering machine and wanted to make the wait easier. Both loved letters, after all.

Frank could have never expected what was inside that envelope, and it changed all his plans for the future.

************

The piece of paper doesn't burn in his hand like it used to. It's just paper and ink, ashes from a past he should have buried long ago. He can't remember all that was written in that long, kindly cruel letter, probably because of that one part that jumped to slap him in the face right away -the part he does remember, word for word. Nothing else mattered after that.

"Dear Frank: I don't really know how to start, I shouldn't even be telling you this through a letter, but I'm a coward. This is one of those situations in which I wouldn't be able to find the words if I didn't do it this way. And I also don't have the heart or the guts to say what I'm gonna say to you in person. Not now, not after all we shared. I couldn't stand to see your face while I break your heart. Yes, that's what I'm going to do I'm sure, and believe me when I tell you this hurts me just as much. I...met someone else. I denied my feelings and didn't do anything about it for a long time because I loved you. I still do, our love is not something that can just die, only turn into a different kind of love. But I can't lie to you -or to myself- anymore, I'm in love with her. I'm sorry, Frankie..."

The letter went on. Frank knows there was something about them having been too young when they got together, too naive; about how they'd never had the chance to experiment, be single teenagers. He thinks it also included Gerard needing some time before being able to face him, asking him to not look for him. There were probably one million "I'm sorries", but none of that had mattered to Frank, he'd lost the ability to comprehend what he read after the "I'm in love with her." Gerard had broken his heart indeed, murdered it with those few words. The rest was senseless filler.

************

After crying, screaming, cursing and turning his room upside down, Frank had sent Gerard a reply. He wrote it in huge capital letters, with the same red permanent marker Gerard had forgotten the previous winter.

"Dear Gerard: FUCK YOU. -Frank"

************

Those were the last words Frank had said to Gerard, two years ago. That letter had been the last he heard of Gerard until three weeks back, when that invitation arrived to ruin his precarious fake toughness.

All the rage, the deep pain, the chocking grudge are gone now, though. Frank can think clearly, he can accept, he can maybe forgive.

Right in that moment the door bell rings. Frank knows who it is, and is thankful that he'd gotten ready before he embarked on that trip to the past. On his way out of the room, he surprises himself grabbing the wedding invitation and smiling faintly at it. He can hardly believe it when he takes conscience that he actually means the words that leave his mouth next.

"Congratulations, Gee, I hope you had the time of your life."

The first thing Frank gets from Bob as soon as he opens the door is a snort, to which he raises an eyebrow, questioningly.

"What the fuck did you do to your hair, Iero? You look like a pink cockatoo..."

"Why thank you, Bryar! I just...needed a change..." Frank trails off, still emotionally moved by all the recollections.

"Hey! Hey..." Bob guides Frank's chin up, looking into his eyes. "I was joking, it's kind of funny but I actually like it. Are you alright?"

"Yeah, I'm okay. I've been just rummaging through some old stuff and..."

"Oh, I think I can guess." Bob is watching him with concern, almost studying him. "Come here, give me a hug."

Frank complies; and as Bob wraps his strong arms around him, he orders himself not to cry. Bob gives the best hugs, the kind that prompt you to release everything you were holding up inside and then comfort you. But Frank doesn't want to cry anymore. He might have been left extremely sensitive, but he's fine, he finally is. He just needs to be held, like a wordless reassurance that he will stay fine.

"Frankie...have you been drinking again?" Bob asks without letting go of him, his chin resting on top of Frank's head while a hand rubs his back

Frank looks up slowly, fearing to see disappointment, but there's only that same concern on Bob's face. "No I...I just had a can of beer, that's all. It's so hot, and I needed some encouragement to do something and...I swear Bob, I haven't been drinking much at all."

"Well, you certainly don't look drunk right now, so I believe you. Not so sure you're telling me the whole truth, though. And I smell something else..." Bob glares at him. It's half serious, half playful and Frank groans.

"Boooob! I took a shower a couple of hours ago and haven't even smoked a normal cigarette since then! The smell must have stuck to my clothes, dunno. Sorry, I know you don't like it."

"That's not the problem, really. I know it's no big deal, it's not like you're doing coke -hope not! But I still wish you didn't smoke that crap, you're gonna fry your neurons, boy." Bob runs an affectionate hand through Frank's brand new hair, trying to fix what he previously messed up when they hugged.

"Bob..." Frank sighs loudly. "...I don't smoke enough pot to fry my fucking neurons, I just need it to kill my anxiety sometimes, it helps me. Some people take pills for that, don't they? Well, those are drugs too. My 'medicine' is more natural, thank you very much. But, see? Even if I could have used some help to relax today, I didn't smoke any because I knew you'd come."

"Oh...thanks. And okay, I do see your point, I just worry about you that's all. I always have. Since the first time I talked to you in college I knew something wasn't right, it's like you were permanently fighting with yourself."

"You noticed?" Frank asked surprised. "You never said anything..."

"I assumed it was one of those things that you only talk about when you're ready, you gave me that vibe and I didn't want to force you. I hoped one day you'd tell me, took you long enough." Bob shows a sad smile, embracing him again.

"Thank you, I certainly wasn't ready to bring it up earlier."

"Frank?"

"Yes?"

"Before I arrived...you were thinking about Gerard, weren't you? I do remember the wedding is today, and I know that's the reason why you want to go out," Bob reveals.

"Yeah. It's...it's hard, you know? But I went through all of our memories for the last time and..." Frank stops when he becomes aware of how close Bob's face is from his. He has known him for two years, yet he has never seen those clear blue eyes gaze at him so intently. Or maybe he's never paid enough attention. It's like Bob is trying to tell him something without actually voicing it.

"It's time to move on, Frankie, Gerard didn't deserve you," he says softly, as if speaking any louder could break the calm atmosphere surrounding them. The words, however, awake something deep inside Frank. They didn't sound right, they didn't match his conclusions.

"No." Frank pushes Bob away. Not rudely, only the necessary to emphasize what he had to state, to put some distance between them and get his attention. "It's not like that. Gerard did deserve me, just like I deserved him. We deserved each other as friends since we met, and we did as boyfriends for the six years we were together. I was so fucking happy with him, Gerard was nothing but great to me while it lasted and I know I made him happy too. Those were the best -in total- eight years of my life and I wouldn't give them up for anything. People change, life changes some of us and our feelings, that's all. But no matter how our story ended it was worth it, it was worth all the while."

He had expected Bob to get annoyed with his speech, maybe misinterpreting it and thinking he was still too attached to Gerard's memory, in denial. His friend does tend to act like his overprotective dad sometimes, or at least his big brother -even though he's only one year older. However, Frank is proved wrong when, after blinking several times to make sure his eyes are not deceiving him, he continues to see the same image in front of his eyes: Bob is smiling widely with what seems to be pride.

"Well...that's even better, Frankie! I'm so fucking proud of hearing you talk like this, seriously. Not many people are able to separate things like you did and speak so well of a person who hurt them. It's admirable. It sounds like you have things clear, and I'm glad. Now when Gerard comes to your mind you can think of those good memories and leave the sadness and heartbreak behind."

"Yep, that's what I'm determined to do, and after today I'm sure it will work. I'm ready to start a new chapter in my life!" Frank raises his index finger solemnly. Bob chuckles and gets closer again, those tranquil blue eyes set on him, the weird feeling returning. It's a positive anxiety.

"And I'll be more than happy to be part of that new chapter." With that, Bob leans down and kisses Frank's cheek softly and lovingly, dangerously close to the corner of his mouth yet not quite there. Hinting that he would love to, but respecting the other's times. Frank thanks the respectful and patient gesture in silence, giving Bob an identical kiss. Mutual understanding floats in the air and the two boys' eyes shine.

"Well, we better get going," Bob says casually.

"Yeah..."

"Oh, and before I forget...you're going back to uni this fall."

"What? How...?" Frank is about to inquire, but a palm is pressed over his mouth and he's pushed towards the open door.

"We'll talk about it some other day and you can thank me then if needed. Now it's summer, and we're gonna have fun, okay?"

"Okay!"

"Good." Bob grins, offering Frank a hand that he takes without a doubt. He could have never predicted this, but right now he can't think of a better way to walk into his new life.

So take the photographs and still frames in your mind,
hang it on a shelf in good health and good time.
Tattoos of memories and dead skin on trial,
for what it's worth it was worth all the while.
It's something unpredictable, but in the end is right,
I hope you had the time of your life...