Broken Promises

“Jen, no more cutting, no more apologizing. If you're upset with me, I rather you call me a bitch, a whore, a fucking cunt, whatever you come up with, but no more cutting at all. At all. Now promise me. And don't say you can't. I gave you an outlet. If you're angry at someone, come to me and rant and yell and cuss me out , but no more cutting. No more at all. Promise me. Promise me.” Sarah begged me.

“I cant call you that. It’s too mean. I cant do that to you.”

“I want you to. I rather you curse me then hurt yourself. Jen this is me. You say you love me and I won't question that. Love me enough not to hurt yourself anymore. Love me enough to put your burdens on me. I'm an adult, I can deal with them. I don’t need to cut to feel anything. I can handle it. I swear I can. No more cutting Jen, no more.”

“What if i mess up?” I asked her.

“Curse at me. I will help you Jen, but you can't keep living your life like this. No more cutting. Promise me Jen please. Please Jen. Give me some peace of mind. Please. Help me stop crying. Please no more cutting.”

“Ok.. I promise I'll try not to..”

“No trying, you can't. No more.” She insisted.

“I’m sorry..”

“Stop apologizing Jen. You know if you keep cutting, I'll never talk to you again? Did you know that Jen?”

“Please dont... Don’t leave me too. Im so stupid. I wish i had never started this. But its so hard to stop. Will you help me?”

“Jen I won't Leave you, but your parents will send me away. I won't be able to talk to you at all. They'll have good reason to do so if they feel I'm a bad influence. Jen I love you so right here and now I want you to promise and swear on my eyes. Swear by my eyes that you will never cut again.
If it's broken then God take my vision. Swear by me Jen. I will help you.”

“I... I swear. I swear on my life I wont. But i dont want to swear on you.”

“Swear by my eyes and my hands which are my livelihood. Swear by them Jen.”

“Why?”

“Because you care what happens to me. So swear by me Jen. My hands and my eyes.”

“Ok.. I... I swear by your hands. And your eyes. That I won't cut myself…”

“Thank you. I love you so much Jen. My mommy, yeah I call her mommy still, always told me always help when you can and when you love, love them for real and always tell them you love them. I love you Jen”

“I love you too Sarah .”

-One month, 8 days later-

A tear slid down my face and I burst into sobs. I bit my lip to keep from making a sound. It was after midnight, and I didn’t want to wake anyone up. My chest hurt and it felt like it would explode any second. I wrapped my arms around my ribs and slid down to the floor and lay on the ground curled up in a ball.

I couldn’t breathe and I couldn’t see because the tears were clouding my vision. I squeezed my arms tighter around myself to try and get rid of the hole that was forming in me. I gasped for breath and bit my lip again before a sob could escape my throat.

My eyes wandered over to my dresser. I felt the pressure on my leg where I wanted to cut. I tried to make it go away. I tried so hard. But no matter how many times I snapped rubber bands it wouldn’t go away. My eyes drifted to the dresser again. I knew where the scissors where. I knew they were there. But I couldn’t…no I can’t. I promised her. You promised her!!

“You can’t do it! You promised her you wouldn’t!”

“So what?? It’s not like no one has ever broken promises to me!”

“But this is different! This is Sarah!! You can’t hurt her!”

“I don’t want to hurt her…but I need this so bad. I just want it to go away!”

“No you can’t Jen! Don’t do it. Think of how upset she’ll be. She’ll hate you!”

“I need this...I need to. It’s been over a month. I need that feeling again. I need the pain to go away.”

“Do something else!”

“No...this is the only thing that works!”

I walked over to my dresser and pulled out the bottom drawer. My hands grabbed the scissors and I sat down in the corner of my room, holding the sharp edge of the blade.

My hands were shaking and I was still fighting a battle in my head. I didn’t know what to do.

I bit my lip again to stop another cry from escaping. My chest burned with the pain. And I knew what I had to do. I had to make it go away.

I brought the blade of the scissors to my leg, hands still shaking.

“Don’t do it!”

“Do it! Stop the pain.”

“Don’t!”

“I’m sorry...I’m so sorry…I have to.” I whispered to the nothingness surrounding me.

I raised the blade and brought it down, feeling the ripping of my skin as I moved the scissors across my leg. My arms were too weak from all the crying. So I did again and again possibly a dozen times, each time going deeper until I saw the fleshy white inside my leg, and the sting hurt like nothing I’ve ever felt.

I closed my eyes, and sighed a sigh of relief. The pain was gone. There was nothing in the world but me. No problems, no sadness. Just...me. A small smile came on my face as I embraced this feeling of peace I hadn’t felt in so long. The calm… The closest thing to being happy that I could have.

Then I opened my eyes and saw what I had done. Reality came flooding back to me. I sob escaped my lips before I could stop it. The blood was dripping down my leg…my shorts were already stained with blood.

I got up and grabbed a towel and applied pressure to the wound I made. I lifted the towel and saw all the blood. I couldn’t believe how much blood was coming out. My head was spinning and I felt dizzy.

“Look what you did you idiot!”

“I’m sorry...I’m sorry..”

“Now she’ll never forgive you! You weren’t supposed to do that you fucking bitch!”

“Please stop...I’m so sorry.”

“Being sorry doesn’t make up for this! She’ll never forgive you. You lost her. You lost Sarah. You’re an idiot!.”

“I know…I know I am..”

I curled up in a ball, sobbing again and lie on the floor until sleep took me it’s prisoner.

Morning comes, the sun rises, the birds sing, and the world is alive again.

My eyes flutter open and I sit up on the floor. I stretch and let out a yawn. I had such an awful dream that night…

I check my phone. One message. From Sarah.

“Jen, don’t, please.”

I choke on my breath. Oh god..oh god..the memories come flooding back. It wasn’t a dream…

I look at my leg. My stomach churns in disgust. There’s blood all over me and my clothes. I go into the bathroom and wash it off. I look at the cut… my skin and the tissues under it is split open and I can see all the layers inside. It’s disgusting.. I put a band aid over it so I don’t have to see it, and so I don’t get any more blood on my clothes.

Sarah. Oh god…I promised her. What am I gonna do? I can’t tell her…I can’t hurt her. She’ll hate me.

I go back into my room and pick up my phone. I think of what to say. I know she’ll be upset…so I try to tell her as nicely as I can.

I tell her…and she replies.

“Don’t you dare!”

She thinks I haven’t done it yet… I try again.

“Sarah…I’m so sorry. It’s too late..”

No response… She hates me. She’s never going to speak to me again… I lost her..

I start to cry again. I can’t lose her...I love her. She’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me. She’s my big sister.. Why did I have to do that?? I’m so stupid…

I broke my promise… I broke the promise I made to the most important person in the world to me… My chest is hurting again from holding back sobs.. I bite my lip harder to keep back a scream. I close my eyes and rock myself back and forth.

I’m sorry…I’m so sorry. I look at the place where I hid the scissors. No...I can’t.

“You already broke your promise, why not do it again?”

“Because the promise is still in effect…I’m gonna try again. I have to stop this…”

“It’s the only thing that works.”

“SHUT UP!! I won’t do it!!” My body shakes with all these emotions running though me.

I curl up tighter on the floor and try to think of happier things but I can’t think of anything. So I think of how I want it to be.

I imagine that Sarah was here…comforting me. Telling me it’s ok. Hugging me close and not letting me go. Rocking me back and forth in her arms…

The tears stop and I smile with my imagination. It’s still early in the morning. So I fall back asleep and continue my imagination in my dream. It’s a happy dream, even if it may never come true.

I wake up, and for the first time in a long time, I feel happy, truly happy. I don't want to cut ever again. I'm going to find other ways. I have to overcome this before it ruins my life any more than it already has.

I wipe my tears from my face and smile.