What Started as a Crush

When you love someone, as in deeply, truly love someone, you never let them go until you're positive it is time. Whether you're a mother, a lover, a sibling, or anyone, you never give up on someone you [may] love so much. This applies to everyone, whether you know it or not. It's that feeling of strength and continuation in life when you think about them. When there's a major drift between you and that person, you may think of all the things that had gone wrong, but that one thing that still keeps you tied to them is that one piece of what good they make you feel; what they made you into who you are today.

So I fought with a friend of mine. Selfishly, I yelled at him after teasing me with just one of those silly, scary pop-up websites that totally creep me out. He began to laugh, and apologize alltogether, when I was yelling at him. I went way overboard, and told him that I banned him from ever speaking to me again. Now, he's ignoring me and my best friend, because of my selfishness and stupidity on something that I actually regret. I told myself I'd never regret what I do, and to do this to someone I may actually love is really painful and now I think suicidally (though I know I would never kill myself for such a thing, no matter how big of a burden it is.) Also, I have realized how much I am stupid, and how I'm so careless of what I do and how no one would ever romantically love me as I love him, but I already know that there will be someone who'll love me.

I actually cried for what I had done. I didn't cry when my mom announced that my grandma died. I was just depressed; but how stupid and irresponsible I was and how much I must've hurt him and how selfish I am was just unbearable I actually broke down and cried silently. No one knows about it, but I tell you this now: even to your own parents, or anyone, don't take anything too lightly, nor take anything too seriously. You may end up in my situation, where I still wait for him to forgive me, yet I know it won't ever happen because of what I did. Tonight I will cry, and tomorrow I will think of what I have done and what I can to make it up to him and go down in depression.

This is the first for me, and I'm so frustrated about it. Why does he make me break down and cry, and make me depress and realize my flaws that made me depressed? I'm not sure if this is craziness, overly dramatic moment, or love, but I seem to know me when I'm with him. It aches my heart now, and I wonder now if he'll ever forgive me.

Pette, I don't care if your reading this (which is highly impossible) but I'm REALLY, REALLY sorry. So deeply sorry to the bottom of my aching heart that I hope you'll forgive me. No, I beg you to forgive me, which is selfish once again but really, I can't live without you in my life. And you may not know this, but I may actually like you and I don't care if you end up going out with any of those girls in your class but I'm not giving up until you shove me away. You better believe it.

I love you Pette, and I hope you'll forgive me and my selfish stupidity of a person I am.