Sunspots and Raindrops

“You made it!” Travis yelled from across the room. He slithered through the crowd of people and when he got to me, his eyes instantly flashed to Brendon. “Oh, hey.” He seemed less than enthused to see Brendon by my side.

“Hey man,” Brendon said, his voice hardly civil.

Travis’ attention was back on me, however, and I was sure that he had barely caught Brendon’s snide response. “You don’t have anything to drink. When did you get here? Are you thirsty?”

He was almost talking too fast for me to follow what he was saying. But before I could answer any on of his questions, he had taken my hand (the one that Brendon wasn’t holding) and was dragging me toward the kitchen. I released Brendon’s fingers and he gave me a stressed glance.

“I’ll be back in a few, Bren.” I used his nickname to ensure it.

Travis dragged through the crowd of dancing bodies to the kitchen. He let go of my hand and grabbed one of those cliché red plastic cups like the ones that had littered the front grass.

“What’ll it be, miss Sonny?” he asks, gesturing to a wide variety of alcohol that sat on the counter.

“Oh, no thanks,” I say, waving a hand. “I don’t drink. But thank you.”

Travis made an odd expression. “Oh, it’s fine,” he fanned a hand at me like I had done to him. “None of us drink either.” He didn’t believe me. “Come on, we’re not going to get caught. We’re too far out of city limits. Cops never come out here unless they’re called.”

“Seriously,” I said, holding up a firm hand. “I don’t want anything to drink. Thank you.”

This time, Travis set the cup down on the counter, holding his hands up in a defensive manner. “Okay, okay,” he says. He looked around for a second, stepping mindlessly about the kitchen until he was right next to me as I leaned on the countertop. “So, what are you doing here with that Urie kid?” He inquired suddenly.

“Excuse me?”

“You and Urie? What? Are you two a thing now or something?”

“His name is Brendon.” I said first of all. “And he’s one of the greatest guys I’ve ever met.”

Travis looked at me, his eyes lingering on my legs and then on my chest. It was then that I realized how glassy his eyes actually were. He was drunk.

“You obviously haven’t met many guys then.” Then, before I could react, Travis’ arms had snaked around my waist and he was yanking me toward him.

Outraged and a little disgusted, I stumbled backward away from him and then pushed him away from me, booking it out of that kitchen before he saw which way I had gone.

I rounded two corners and ended up by the foot of some stairs. I scanned the crowd for Brendon desperately and when I found him, he was talking to Ryan.

I pushed my way toward him through the mass of people. It wasn’t an easy feat, especially since the music drowned out my voice making it impossible for me to call out to Brendon, but by the time Brendon was within earshot, the music had died down and instead of Brendon hearing me, I overheard his conversation with Ryan.

“It’s not the same, Bren.” Ryan said, shaking his head and tugging on his earlobe wearily.

“How is it not the same?” Brendon seemingly snapped back at him, causing Ryan’s eyes to raise back to his. “Because your mom is still alive?”

What were they talking about? I wondered.

“Because my mom left me by choice.” Ryan corrected coldly.

Hurt struck me deep in my chest when I realized that they were talking about me.

I felt like I couldn’t breathe. Everything around me seemed to slow down when I realized that they had been discussing my parental situation. Ryan thought that I was dramatic for missing a father that was taken from me, but he had to deal with a mother that had apparently abandoned him.

The Friday night which I had hoped would be fun-filled and care-free turned spiraled into something agonizing within seconds and I searched for anything that could possibly sooth the aching in my soul.

When a boy walked by with a tray of shots, I grabbed two and downed them, inhaling through my teeth as the amber liquid burned all the way down my esophagus to my stomach where it splashed. I thought, momentarily, that I would vomit from the aftertaste.

I took off through the crowd, pounding drink after drink. I was downing whatever I could get my hands on and with every ounce of liquid I added to my system, an ounce of suffering was washed away.

I knew I was beyond drunk, but I just kept at it.

“Sonny, there you are.” Brendon approached me, looking relieved and then rather concerned. “Are you alright? What happened?”

“Nothing!” I threw my hands in the air, splashing whatever remnants were in the cup into the air. I heard someone behind me yell in objection, but I paid him no heed. “I’m at a party and I’m drinking.”

Brendon’s expression switched to shocked disappointment. “I didn’t know you liked to drink.”

I laughed and hiccupped a few times before slurring, “Oh, I don’t. But I needed something to help me.”

Brendon’s eyes turned intrigued. “Help you what?”

“I…I just needed something…I just needed something to help me.” I tried to walk away from him, but Brendon had his hands on my shoulders and was holding me in place. The room looked like it had been turned on its side.

“Help you what, Sonny?” His tone told me that he was done messing around. He wanted a straight answer.

I collected every bit of sobriety I had left and looked him straight in the eye. “Help me deal with the fact that my dad was taken from me.”

Brendon had no idea what I was talking about. I could tell by the look on his face. He sighed and pulled my arm over his neck. “Come on, let’s get you home.”

I murmured my opposition, but my legs suddenly felt like jell-o and I wasn’t able to resist him as he pulled me toward the front door.

However, Brendon had barely gotten the door open when someone from behind yelled at him.

Or maybe it was directed more at me.

“So you won’t drink with me, the guy who invited you to this fucking party, but you’ll drink with this shit head?” Travis came stomping through the crowd, coming at me red in the face.

I could only stare at him as he approached me, wondering what Travis would say or do next, when I realized that I was no longer leaning on Brendon, but the wall instead.

Brendon had positioned himself in front of me, between myself and Travis. “Travis, you’re drunk.” He says calmly, but by Brendon’s body language, I knew that he was anything but.

“You’re damn right I’m drunk!” Travis squealed. “I’m drunk and I’m pissed off and I’m going to kick your ass!”

He came at me but Brendon pushed him away, causing him to stumble and fall flat on his back. He rolled back onto one hip and sat there, trying to regain his bearings. His feet were in the air, he was leaning on one elbow and the hand of his other arm was over his face like he’d been hit.

But Brendon hadn’t touched him.

Brendon grabbed me and yanked me back to his side, pulling my arm over his neck again. “Let’s get out of here.” He pulled me out the door, walking so fast that he was basically dragging me beside him.

We were almost to the edge of the lawn when my legs totally gave out and I fell to the grass, pulling Brendon down with me. He groaned and hissed something at me, but I didn’t catch it.

“I’m sorry I ruined your Friday night, Brendon.” I said, reaching out and grabbing his hand. “I didn’t mean to piss off Ryan.”

Brendon looked at me. “What?” he snapped.

I swallowed and my thought process slowly cleared a little bit. “I didn’t mean to offend Ryan.” Brendon looked beyond confused. He only stared down at me, wondering what I was talking about. “I really didn’t mean for Ryan to think that I was looking for attention because of my dad.”

“Looking for attent—what are you--…Oh!” A light bulb instantly illuminated in Brendon’s head. “Oh shit, Sundance, no.”

“No?”

Brendon shook his head. “No, no. I was talking to Ryan about how your situations are sort of the same and how maybe you could talk to each other about them. I know that he struggles sometimes which is why he writes the lyrics that he does. I was just trying to help.”

The alcohol in my system wasn’t the only thing making it difficult to understand what exactly Brendon meant by this. “But what about what he said…”

“He doesn’t want to talk to you about it because he can’t even begin to fathom what you’re going through.” I didn’t have a response for that and instead, let my head drop. I stared up at the stars for a good two minutes before Brendon found something else to say. “So, you decided to get plastered tonight as a way to stop missing your dad?”

I nodded slowly, tears welling in my eyes. “Sort of,” I took a deep breath through my mouth. The cool night air tasted good. “And to stop thinking about Ryan. And you.” Brendon looked surprised. “I thought I’d really pissed the two of you off.”

“You could never.” Brendon said. “Besides, I promised you that I wouldn’t let anyone be mean to you tonight.”

“And that’s why you came and found me before Travis could?”

“That’s exactly why.” He smiled. “I knew he wouldn’t take well to your non-drinking ways, but…low and behold…”

We laughed and I realized that Brendon was hovering above me, his hands on either side of my head while I laid there in the lawn. He pushed some of my hair out of my face and looked at me for a long moment.

“How are you feeling?” he asked in a whisper.

“Heavy,” I say with another hiccup. “But less shit-faced.” Brendon laughed quietly before looking away from me and gazing around us.

And in that moment, I realized just how beautiful he really was. The streetlight on the curb was casting an orangish light on the two of us, but since it was behind Brendon, it cast a dark shadow on his face. However, the lights from the house behind me were casting a series of reds and blues and greens on his face, making his eyes light differently each time the color changed. The strobe lights brought out the shine in his hair and the light on the front porch illuminated his face slightly, causing shadows to be cast by his eyelashes and nose and lips.

His lips were perfect, I thought.

“You were right though,” I said abruptly and Brendon looked up at me. “I really don’t like to drink.”

Brendon nodded, his lips turning upward in a smile. “I know.”

“And I really appreciate you taking care of me tonight. For the second time in less than a week.”

Brendon smiled fully this time, nodding again. “I know.”

“And I really want you to kiss me.”

Brendon’s eyes looked up to meet mine and the smile on his face faltered slightly. “You’re drunk.” He says almost inaudibly.

“Yeah, I know this. But…”

“You don’t know what you’re talking about.” He cut me off. I couldn’t decide what emotion was lacing his voice.

“Don’t tell me that I don’t know what I’m talking about.” I say.

“If I kiss you now while you’re drunk, it won’t mean anything.” He says. “They’re just drunken actions.”

I sat up hastily, ignoring the blue and black specs that appeared before my eyes as the blood rushed to my head, and looked at Brendon. “Drunken actions are just sober thoughts.”

Brendon returned my look. “The phrase is, ‘drunk words are just sober thoughts’.” And waved a hand at him, realizing that this argument was pointless. “And that would mean that you’ve thought about kissing me for some time now.”

My teeth clicked shut and my face got hot. “Shut up, Brendon.”

“Enough of this.” Brendon rolled me onto my back in the lawn and was hovering over me. And then his lips were on mine.

It was like someone lit a fuse at the base of my spine and it burned all the way up to my brain, setting off an inferno. Brendon’s lips felt like velvet and he tasted like chocolate frosting. He was too much, just enough, and not enough in one single package of addicting perfection. And I instantly found myself wanting him more and more the longer his mouth lingered on mine.

And after what felt like infinite seconds, Brendon pulled his face away from mine and met my eyes. He stroked my hair and then my cheek under my eyes and then traced my jaw line and my lips.

He kissed me again and said, with his lips still against mine, “For the record, I’ve imagined kissing you since the first day I talked to you.”

I kissed him back, half-mindedly tracing his scapulae with my fingertips. “And?”

“And it was just as I imagined it would be like,” he paused and calculated something in his mind before adding, “times about infinity.”

And that did it. For the first time since my dad had passed away, I felt complete.

Brendon scooped me up off the grass and kissed me right there in the lawn, ignoring the cat calls and whistles from the house. At every stop light on the drive home, he would slide over and kiss me for as long as he could before the light would turn green and he would be forced to drive. And on my front porch, he kissed me with everything he had.

“Goodnight, Sonny.” He says against my mouth. “Thanks for going to the party with me.” We both sort of laughed.

“Thanks for inviting me.”

“Thanks for letting me drive you.”

“Thanks for driving me home afterward.”

“Thanks for not passing out on the drive home.”

“Thanks for not letting Travis beat me up.”

”Thanks for letting me kiss you.”

I pressed my lips to his. “You’re welcome.” And then I went inside. When I got to my bedroom, I glanced out the window at Brendon’s window. When I looked I just caught the light turning off, but in the teal light of the moon, I could see something on the marker board that stood in his window.

You’re gorgeous.

For the first time in a while, I didn’t cry myself to sleep.