Sunspots and Raindrops

Birthday lunch and dinner went beautifully and by the time my mom and I were in the car and on the way home, I wondered if I’d ever have to eat again. I was full to the brim and sleepy because of it, but once we got to the house and I looked next door to see Brendon sitting on his front porch step, any idea of sleeping was completely out of the question.

When my mom pulled into the driveway, Brendon’s eyes raised up to the car and connected with mine from across the yard and through my passenger side window. I smiled widely at the sight of him but Brendon’s mouth merely twitched.

I could see the beginnings of a black eye on the right side of his face.

My mom stopped just outside of the garage and when I looked at her, she was smiling. “You go talk to Brendon,” She insisted. “Tell him how sorry I am and how I can’t wait to meet him.”

I beamed. Nothing could’ve gone wrong as I leaned across the car to give my mom a quick kiss on the cheek before I bolted out of the car and sprinted across both yards.

When I got to Brendon, he was standing and I hardly slowed before throwing myself onto him. I was surprised that he didn’t fall backward into the cool early evening grass. Instead, he caught me and held me to him as my legs wrapped around his waist and his locked behind my back. One hand smoothed down my hair and I mirrored his action without thinking, kissing him on the cheek half a dozen times before leaning away so that I could catch his lips in mine.

It was when he didn’t kiss me back as feverishly as I was kissing him that I realized something was wrong.

I pulled away and looked at his face. His eyes did not hold the usually stars and instead, looked dull and weighted. His face (aside from the bruise on the corner of his right eye) looked heavy like he hadn’t slept in a few days, but I knew he’d slept the night previous.

Worry set into my heart almost immediately.

“Bren, what’s wrong?” I asked.

He drew in a breath before releasing my legs from around his waist, allowing me to slide to the ground. He shoved his hands in his pockets before sighing deeply and looking to his right. I noticed a twinkle in his eyes, but it wasn’t light; it looked like water. Tears.

Brendon exhaled heavily yet sharply and I thought for a moment he was going to start screaming. “It was that...fucking shitface Thomas!” This was the angriest I’d seen Brendon and yet, it seemed only half-hearted.

“I know,” I said gravely. “I know. I’m so sorry about what happened.”

“But you didn’t do anything!” Brendon snapped and I looked at him, shocked by his words. “You just sat there while he beat the shit out of me!”

“Well, what did you want me to do, Brendon?” I could tell that my use of his full name got to him by the way he met my eyes instantly. “Do you think I could honestly match Thomas physically? He could and would have pulverized me!”

“Still,” Brendon said gruffly. “Doesn’t change the fact that you did nothing at all.”

I was hurt beyond words, but by the look on Brendon’s face, he was too. He wasn’t angry, he was pained. If he really felt the way he did about my not stepping in when Thomas had him pinned, he wouldn’t be looking on the brink of tears like he was.

“You...” I said, trying to sound confident when my insides were squirming. “You don’t mean any of this.” I put my hands on his face and tried to make him look at me, but his dark eyes wouldn’t connect. He was far off and the hurt had taken over every feature of his. His shoulders were slumped, his hands were cold yet clammy, and the color had drained from his face while his eyes had shrink-wrapped with tears.

“Yes, I do.” He says harshly, putting his hands on mine that were on the sides of his neck. “I’ve let you lean on me countless times, but you weren’t there for me when I quite obviously needed it.”

Was he trying to hurt me, I wondered as yet another sharp jolt shot through my innards.

“Bren,” I whispered. “Stop this. What’s this really about?”

And I saw, for only a second if that, the truth blaze through his chocolatey eyes and I thought that he would tell me the truth before I saw light travel over us, beaming off Brendon’s eyes and I knew a car was pulling into the driveway.

I knew it was Thomas’ car before I even turned around.

“I thought you said he was gone for good.” I heard Brendon utter as I faced toward my house, watching Thomas stumble out of his car, drunk off his ass, and toward my front door.

“He’s drunk,” I say, pained by the unfair and sudden reminder of how my father had passed away. “My mom can handle it.” I knew she probably had already dialed the police.

“No, you can handle it,” Brendon says. “I have to go.”

“What?” But Brendon had already dropped my hands and was turning to leave his yard. “Brendon wait, aren’t we going to talk about this?”

“Talk about what, Sonny?” He asked from his bottom step. “What is there to talk about? Because my argument is pounding on your front door right now.”

“You don’t mean that,” I say strongly. “I can tell you don’t. You’re using Thomas as an excuse to hide your real reason.”

Brendon only shook his head. “Goodnight, Sonny.” Was all the more he said to me before walking into his house and shutting the door behind him.

I stood, staring at his front door for a few minutes believing that it would open again and he would run to me, smiling and bouncing and being his usual self. But when it didn’t, I walked back to my house.

My mom had let Thomas inside and was handing him a mug of coffee when I entered the leaving room. He had certainly fallen from grace since the last time I’d seen him barely twelve hours before that moment. He was crying and apologizing and begging my mom not to call the police, claiming over and over, “If the boys find out I’m still drinking, they’ll kick me off the squad for sure this time.”

Victory at last, I thought.

My mom smiled at me, but I couldn’t manage to smile back. The smell of alcohol, the sight of Thomas, and the sudden realization of Brendon’s words as they slowly sank into my cerebellum finally caught up to me and my eyes welled with tears.

My mom tried to get to me, but Thomas had her hand in his instantly, tugging her back; not violently, but very desperately.

I gave the best smile I could before heading to the stairs, pulling out my phone and texting my mom as I went.

Things not so well with Brendon. Please come to my room after the police leave.
Love you.

Send.

My mom replied almost instantly stating her regrets about Brendon and promising to be there for me as soon as she could. And I appreciated the gesture, really.

But I could still hear Thomas’ drunken babbling upstairs.

I found it a lot easier to think rationally one I was in my room and the door had slammed closed behind me. I could still hear that man yelling downstairs and I wondered if he would come upstairs after me. But my door was locked and I put a chair under the doorknob just in case.

I wasn’t afraid of Thomas anymore. But I also wasn’t willing to put up much a fight at that moment...

I gazed out my bay window. It was pitch black in the second story bedroom window that was straight across from my room. This was the first time his light had been off in days.

Brendon was gone...and I’d just let him slip away.

It felt strange to slide into bed with tears streaming down my face and a heavy hopelessness in my heart that could’ve snuffed out the sun. Stranger than that, I couldn’t wrap my head around the fact that Brendon was the reason for this burdened sensation.

I pulled my covers to my chin and held them close as my tears flowed out of the corner of my eye and onto my pillow case. I was sure that my makeup was going with them, but I hardly cared about that. I hardly cared about anything then.

Flashes of white and red and blue lights bounced off of Brendon’s house and into my field of view and I knew the police were finally hear.

Shouting ensued and there sounded like there might’ve been a slight scuffle because I heard rushed footsteps on pavement. But I knew my mother was alright because I could hear her yelling at Thomas before calmly explaining to one officer what exactly had happened that night.

And then, to my shock, there was shouting outside and footsteps running through the house. They tracked up the stairs, down the hall, and straight toward my room. Then, there was someone knocking furiously.

“Sonny!” It was Brendon and my heart was in my throat instantly. “Sonny, please open the door!”

I leapt from my bed and practically threw the chair from the door and unlocked it, allowing myself to be swept into Brendon’s arm, cherishing the feel of his lips all over my face.

“Are you okay?” Brendon asked urgently. “Holy fucking shit, if that prick touched you, I will personally see to it that he never walks again.” Brendon was examining me all over.

I had never been so thrown for a loop. “What?”

“There are like, three police cruisers outside of your house!” Brendon said, speaking as if I didn’t know.

“I’m fine,” I say. “Thomas barely even noticed me walk through the house.”

Brendon sighed in relief and I was still confused. “Thank God,” I heard him murmur under his breath before allowing silence to fill the room.

“Brendon, what’s going on?” I finally asked. “And please, don’t tell me it’s about me not standing up for you or leaning on you or whatever malarky you were trying to pull in the yard earlier.”

To my relief, I saw Brendon’s eyes lighten and he put his hands on my cheeks, brushing his thumbs under my eyes. “It isn’t that. It isn’t that,” I thought I saw his mouth twitch upward. “Goddammit, if you didn’t know me so well, maybe you would’ve bought my act.”

I wasn’t buying this act either. “Why did you lie to me, Bren?”

He sighed and the weight was back on his shoulders, I could tell. “Have you ever had really bad news to give to someone, so you try to make them look like the bad guy by taking a small insignificant thing and blowing it way out of proportion?”

“That’s what you did.” I assumed.

“That’s exactly what I did.” Brendon confirmed.

But then it struck me and I gulped. “But what’s the really bad news you have to give me?”

Brendon took a deep and steadying breath. “I didn’t get a chance to tell you before...this morning...” I understood why he didn’t want to talk about what had happened earlier. “Ryan texted me last night saying that Pete Wentz of Fall Out Boy was coming to hear the band.”

My reaction was instant and pure. My jaw dropped and a smile broke my face in half. I threw my arms around him, relishing in the small laugh that came from him. “That’s great news, Bren!” I exclaimed excitedly. “When is going to be here?”

I had pulled away and Bren was back to looking slightly serious. “He came today,” Brendon replied. “He practically surprised us all with his visit and that’s why I didn’t text you or call you all day. We played for him for like, two hours and then talked for like, five hours after that.”

I looked at Brendon expectantly. “So, what did Pete say?”

Brendon’s eyes met mine, dark and leadened and lifeless, and I knew that what he was about to say was foreboding.

“He loved our music,” He says and though I was leaping for joy for him in my head and heart, I said nothing. I wanted him to finish. “He wants to sign us to his record label.”

And though I realized that that would mean time away from Brendon, I couldn’t see the definite harm in being apart for only a few weeks. The time apart would make the reunion that much sweeter.

I tried to smile at Brendon, but he didn’t smile back and I felt a twinge of ominous imminence as I said happily, “That’s great, Bren!” I’d dug his hands out of his jeans pockets and was holding them between us, squeezing them periodically and running my thumb over his knuckles. “That’s such great news.”

“Sonny,” Brendon’s voice was not uplifted. “Sonny, I have to leave right after graduation in May.”

“So? It’s not even October yet.” I was trying to look on the bright side. “Besides, you won’t be gone that long. And I can always come visit you.”

“We’re going to be recording in Maryland.” Brendon said solemnly.

The fact pierced me and I was at a loss for words for a moment, but I bounced back. “Well, I’ll see you when you get back from recording.” I smiled at him, but he only half smiled in return. “You can tell me all about how recording went and what the east coast was like.”

Finally, Brendon smiled fully. The weight was off of his shoulders when he realized that I was perfectly capable of dealing with this. He would be back in no time and we would be together. He took my face in his hands and kissed me hard.
I wrapped my arms around his neck and his slithered around my waist. I laughed slightly when he picked me up off of the floor and twirled me around a few times.

“You’re perfect,” I whispered to me through the growing dark as the red, white, and blue lights faded outside. “I love you so much.”

I smiled at him as my heart swelled in my chest. “I love you, too.”

And my birthday ended perfectly.