Won't Turn Out Right

I could only hear my shrill screams as they laughed and laughed. Their shadows were cast onto the walls, twisting and turning in the strangest ways. Monsters from a different world. They were monsters. Monsters.

My mother's eyes were stone. Hard and shiny, blue jewels. Beautiful and ugly. Like a... oh God, she's dead.

They ripped the tape off of my mouth quickly. I barely felt the sting of it. My head pounded, clogged with so many thoughts and feelings. All sorts of pain.

"WHY DID YOU DO THIS?" I screamed and cried and they laughed and laughed. Someone grabbed onto me rightly from behind, stroking my cold, damp hair, giving me a false sense of comfort. He moved his hands around my waist, rocking me back and forth. Their laughter soon dominated the room, my screams dying out. He bit my earlobe and turned me around forcefully. My head was forced to his chest. I shook and convulsed. If I had been standing, I would have fallen quickly. My legs suddenly felt numb. I tucked them underneath me and pushed myself down and forward, more into the warmth. I didn't care.

I really just didn't care anymore.

Where'd this hurricane come from? It smells like blood and bleach.

There's a cocktail for me and rosewater for him.

I get to meet the ringmaster. About time, huh?

About 'bout 'bout 'bout. HOW ABOUT MY GLASS OF WATER?

I guess we're a contagious set of nervous mannerisms caught in the time warp the time warp the time warp.

I can ignore the smell for now because I'm going to meet the ringmaster.

Youma. Youma-chan. Youma-sama. Youma youma youma. MONSTER!

So this is the miracle that I've been dreaming of....

No surprises, please.

This is the eye of the storm. Is there a calm after the storm? I hope so. I guess that would make sense. I suppose. It's not going to be stormy for forever, right? Where else is there to go?

From a pinwheel to a windmill. It's gonna escalate. Gonna grow. Grow. Grow.

Glow like the sun. It's gonna give me sunburn.

But, back to my peanuts. No... no, no, no, back to the ringmaster.

I think I see him. Yes, here he comes. Dressed in red and black and white. Beautiful man. So beautiful and wonderful. I don't deserve him.

Oh no. I don't deserve him. What am I doing here? I shouldn't be here. He deserves someone else. Anyone else. Not me. Not me. Not me. Not here. Not me.

Wait. Someone's missing.

Mom?

Mom, are you there?

I'm tired, Mom. I'm so tired. I just want to go home, Mom. No more, please. Oh God, please, let me go home. I just want to see my mom again.

Mom?

Mom, are you there?

Hello? Wait, why is the ringmaster following me? Shouldn't he be happy? Why is he so cross? I let him go. He's supposed to be happy. I have to find my mom. I don't have time for him right now. I have to find my mom.

I just want to go home, Mom.

Why won't he let me go? Didn't I tell him not to... not to... oh wait. I never told him anything. I just ran away. Should I not have done that? Should I go back? Go back and talk?

No, no, no, don't be silly. He doesn't want to talk to me. He just wants me to... to... oh, that's right he doesn't need me. Doesn't need me... He doesn't need me so why IS HE FOLLOWING ME?

I'm back in the tent, now. Now, I'm sitting with him. He's on one side of the table. I'm on the other. He's made us peanut butter and no jelly sandwiches and peanut butter cookies with little teeny tiny chocolate Kisses in the center. I'm not that hungry but he tells me to eat it any way there are children starving in China and America and Africa and Canada and Antarctica. That didn't convince me much.

I shoved it all in my mouth at once and he laughed at me, for some reason.

He asked me if I had any questions for him. I told him no. He asked me if I wanted to go home. I told him yes. He asked me if I knew where my mother was. I told him I would like to eat another cookie. He asked me again. I told him no. He gave me a cookie. I thanked him.

Then his voice was gone. All gone. And so was the food. And so was the tent. But, the demons were still there. I tried to ask them to leave but they spat in my face. I asked them all to let me go. They told me that they weren't holding onto me. I was free to go when and where I pleased.

But, I knew they were lying.

They took my mom. That's why I'm still here, isn't it? Isn't it? Isn't it?

They lie so much. It hurts. My head hurts. I forgot that I even had a head until the pain came back. Wait... what is pain? What does that mean? Who am I? Oh God. What am I doing here?

I should be... I should be...

Awake.

I glanced around the room. I was dizzy with pain. My throat, my head, my arms, legs, stomach. I didn't know where I was. I had never seen this room before, but it felt comfortable. It felt lived-in and just comfortable. I missed feeling comfort. This sudden foreign feeling made me forget my pain for a second or two, but as my head pounded and my throat ached I remembered my misfortune, my pain, and my grief. My mother was dead. I was trapped here with these monsters. Monsters....

I was in a bed, right on top of the covers. Did I forget to mention that? My clothes were nowhere to be seen. Not on me, not on the bed, not in the room. All comfort was lost when I realized that it wasn't just my stomach that was hurting.

I stood up. My legs creaked and stung. I walked over to the dark brown, antique desk sitting in the corner of the room. I ran my hand over its smooth top, letting my mouth turn up into a pathetic smile. I flipped it over.