Keeping Secrets From The Two-Faced Jerk

Mason, I know this is my twenty seventh message but this time I have a great reason. Not that the other twenty six weren't great. It's just- okay. SO there's this hall party tonight celebrating the first day of summer or some bullshit like that. Whatever, some excuse to get drunk on a Sunday night. Haha. Well, Ali and I are going and we want you to come. I know you've been obviously avoiding the world but maybe you could come out just this once. It could be like... you're starting point to pick yourself up from Set- yeah I'll stop talking now. We love you, Juliana.beeep

Juliana, please pick up the damn phone. I've called you over thirty fucking times and Lo like forty. How long do you plan on keeping this up? You've been locking yourself up for more than 48 hours. God, you can be so fucking stubborn! Julianna, me and Lo are worried as shit. You better not be getting buzzed again or I swear to fucking God-

The answering machine cut her off again before she could finish her rant. The bedside table read 12:57 p.m. Sighing, I climbed out of the sticky sheets. Ali was wrong, that was her thirty eighth message this weekend and Lo left fifty one. On the way out of the door, I passed by my mirror and stared at the hollow-cheeked, pale, lifeless Juliana.

I slept mostly, ate when I was awake and watched movies, falling asleep before getting by halfway. When I slept, I barely dreamt. I just remembered. I remembered Seth's face before I fleed to the safety of my room where I stayed for the last days. It hurt everytime I thought about it but I tortured myself replaying it again and again in my mind.

He was emotionless; like me walking out of his life meant nothing to him. Of course I knew our relationship was a lie; fuck it was a bet. I was stupid for thinking Seth actually felt something more. All Seth was known for was perfect, leading student that could graduate university at sixteen but all I knew for the past month was his selfish, childish, playful side. But above all, he was two-faced. .

I felt so incredibly dumb and humiliated I let him fool me into feeling more.

It was odd but I didn't have the heart to do anything. There were no tears. If I was suppose to feel 'heartbroken', my chest didn't hurt. I just couldn't think of a reason to press the button to answer the calls from my best friends or just pick up the brush and comb my rat's nest.

Maybe I'm depressed or needed a shrink.

It was ridiculous how much I could time I could waste thinking about someone I hated.

I returned my useless journey out my room, to downstairs but clumsily tripped and fell face first. Usually, I would have got right back up and laughed it off but I didn't.

I must have tripped on the radio I had thoughtlessly left on the floor because I laid there, practically kissing the hardwood ground, listening to the music playing through the radio speakers.

The line was so vague as was the male voice. It was two or three nights before, when Seth drove me home. He was talking so heatedly about how much he didn't want us to be married. Then, the song came on and he slammed on the stereo, alarming me.

I can't remember when, I didn't live through this disguise

The words boomed, and boomed quiet loudly, through the radio station.

A familiar sensation tickled at the back of my throat as I picked myself back up from making out with the floor. My vision was filled with white dots but I managed to pull myself into the near corner. Curling myself in a tight bundle, struggling to control my violent trembles, I cried for the very first time since I last saw Seth

________

Somehow, a few hours later, I was at the hall party. Ali wouldn't stop beaming at me as she pampered my hair. She looked dainty in her white tube top, booty shorts and the flower in her hair; she definitely screamed summer-is-coming-and-I'm-gonna-whore-it-up. Lo on the other hand looked as breath taking as always with loose jeans and a flannel checkered. His cheeks were flushed, since we downed two bottles of Tequila moments before.

Luckily, they weren't as angry as I guessed. Lo maybe seemed slightly out of it and Ali a bit more psycho than her usual. That didn't matter. They were going to be fine tomorrow and all I cared about tonight was getting drunk and hopefully forget about everything. But what really worried?

How could I numb away something that was already numb?

Anyone could tell from afar something was definitely happening. You could almost see the building moving in the bass if it didn't deafen you already. Cars were parked down to ten blocks over and crowds of teenagers I recognized from our school and other complete strangers bustled into the double doors. A few kids bumped into the three of us, mainly me but we disregarded that, far too excited, feeling the buzz. Inside, strobe lights flashed and the dj, on a platform in the center below the disco ball, happily announced to the dance floor which were made of hundreds of barefoot girls and drunk guys, that this was only the beginning of the beginning of the beautiful season of partying.

I drew in a sharp breath as a horrible thought suddenly crossed my mind; Seth might be here.

Suddenly, I felt dizzy.

"Juliana, you feeling okay?" Lo yelled against the loud bass. He expressed concern and let me hold onto him for balance.

I couldn't answer as my stomach turned and I wondered why I was feeling this way. It was the first time reality finally set in. I was certain news had broke to our school and possibly to other schools since they knew about the king, Seth. That was why on my way, some kids gave me dirty looks. They knew that we had 'broken up'. But the worst part? We were never even together. I didn't even know if I was allowed to tell people that. I would have to ask Seth-

"Juliana?" Ali was beside me now, her eyebrows knitted together.

I had to get buzzed. Fast. But first I needed air

"I just have to get some air," I shouted. I wasn't sure if they heard me but I ran out anyway or as fast as black suede heels and a mini skirt would let you. Why did I let Lo and Ali talk me into this?

I stopped sprinting when I reached the fountain at the deserted back of the hall. It was incredible what the difference was compared to inside the building and the back. But I needed the change in environment.

Shakily, I sat on the damp fountain ledge. The fountain spurred happily and the LED lights changed shades steadily, changing the colour of the water as well. What was I thinking? I was definitely not ready for a party; not even able to face the student body.

Suddenly, I looked up from my palms, deep in self-pity and saw the person that topped my list of things I could not face.

His stance was stiff, hands deep in the front pockets of his dark jeans. I wanted to melt in the tinge of after shave he left in the air.

"Hi," he said, standing awkwardly.

I immediately froze. Seth was here at the party. How could he come to a party after only two days of our 'breakup'? Only if it didn't affect him much. That realization hurt me more. I never should of came. Fuck you, Lorenzo. I couldn't meet his eyes

Seth realized I wasn't going to say anything anytime soon. He ran a frustrated hand threw his matted hair and sat down beside me. I instinctively faced the other way

"So you're going to ignore me, huh?" I heard him say.

I was going to admit immaturity and absolutely admit he was right. So, I slowly turned back to him. "Did you tell your mom about us yet?"

I stopped myself before I could say 'Beth' because 'Beth' was way too intimate.

"Yes," he said flatly, staring at the hall like he'd rather be there.

I narrowed my eyes at him, disappointed at his one-word answer. "I have a question for you."

He nodded

I opened my mouth but nothing came out. My confidence bent from the ten to zero. I was terrified a completely different question would come out. Or if the question was the one I wanted answered. Finally, I sighed and let the world tumble out just to get it over with. Seth showing the beginnings of an impatient look.

"I need to know if it's okay if I tell people it was all a bet. That our relationship was actually just a cruel joke you were playing. Or we were playing. It probably doesn't concern you but it concerns me. Everyone thinks I'm a whore. And well, I'm sorry I care about my reputation but it's not exactly like you don't," I stopped, drawing in a large breath. I haven't even noticed I started rambling

"Nope." Seth smirked. It was the first smirk I've seen in a long time. My chest ached beyond belief.

I knew something was wrong with Seth today with all these one-word answers but once I saw that trade-mark grin, I felt oddly reassured. Even though, I shouldn't care

Seth looked back to me, "So you really hate me, huh?"

I clenched my fists and bit the side of my cheek to stop myself from slapping him. Did he have to bring it up? Heat crept up my neck in anger. There was so much I wanted to say to him but...

"Yes." I answered flatly

"Can I get a list?" he half-smiled. Tears threatened to fall.

"You won't want to hear it." I flattened my hair uselessly and looked out into the gurgling fountain behind us.

"Yes, I do Juliana." Seth's voice was so steady, so sure.

So I began to list. "You're fake. You're two-faced. You, Seth Turner, could be split into Mr. Turner, the straight A student that's a people-pleaser; teachers, student body, your dad. But then theres Seth. Seth is greedy and horny and childish and secretly loves to skip class. He drives me nuts. He's insecure about his family and knows how to intimidate someone. He doesn't care about what strangers think of him, only the people he hold close, which aren't many because he has a trusting issue. So anyone who earns his trust..."

My voice trailed along with the spur of the fountain and the distant bass of the party. I didn't dare say the words I wanted to. That anyone who earns his trust are the luckiest people in the world. I looked away, wiping away any tears brave enough to fall and hope my makeup wasn't smudging.

There was a moment of silence.

"Can I ask you a question?"

I turned back, searching deep into his shimmering blue pools. Finally, I answered "Ok."

Seth blinked a few times before starting "Which side do you like better?"

I was dumbstruck. Gulping, I responded bravely "Seth. Just Seth."

He didn't smile, not that I was expecting. But he looked down at his palms and for a long time, we sat in the silence, blocking out even the cars rushing by on the distant road.

I pressed the ball of my hand onto the cold granite. "Why do you ask?" I croaked

Seth snapped his head back up, looking directly at me. His stare made me want to shrink into an ant passing by our feet.

"Because..." he licked his lips which made me lick mine but my mouth was suddenly sand dry. "Because I want to know if... if I could change. I hate being in this double agent life."

He chuckled dryly but I didn't join in. Was he serious?

"W-why?"

"I've fooled everyone. I don't even know who I am anymore. But somehow, you know it. No, you always knew who you were, Juli. That's why I even came to you in the first place. You attracted me because even though you had so many things messed up in your life, you were still so... breath taking. You knew your exact purpose in your life. You knew what you're fighting in this loosing battle for. I use to think there was no point in living if we were going to die, anyways. I would never beat Drew and win Dad's affection. I would never be able to go Grandma's cottage ever again. But... I have to start over, Juli. I need to know what I'm fighting for."

I didn't even notice the tears spilling down my cheeks until Seth's thumb came in contact. He wiped them away and gave me a sheepish grin.

I nodded, not trusting my words.

"One more thing," Seth began, "Juliana, you are just... great. So I need you to know you are apart of my inspiration. You mean the world to me. But I cannot get married to you because I am not complete. I cannot drag the the greatest person in the world down because I haven't figured myself out yet."

"I am so sorry if you ever felt next to nothing. I would never want you to feel that way. I am just so clumsy with w-words. It's embarrassing really."

He looked down, scratching the back of his neck. I had never known he felt this way. I always thought he manipulated me; always just using me...

I choked out the only word I could think of "Seth,"

"It's lame, I know," he looked away, out in the night sky, the moon, at his limitless future "Can I just know I'm always being thought of? By you?"

I shook my head again

"I want to know I'm not alone, no matter where I go,"

"Where do you plan on going?" I blurted in a rush

"No where," his eyebrows raised "I mean, no where for now. But this town; I can't stay since everyone thinks of me as this amazing perfect person. Only you know I'm not. That's what I want to keep at as. You will always be with me, right?"

He looked at me eagerly.

Momentarily, I was lost in those eyes "You will always be in my heart."

Seth nodded, pleased and letting the news sink in

Just then, a rustling noise came from behind the fountain. We both turned, jumpy. I realized my heart started beating again and my palms were sweaty.

"Mason? Are you here?" I heard Lo's voice from above the fountain rush.

I jumped off the cold granite seat, feeling the night wind up my skirt. It was suddenly cold outside; or maybe it always was but my feelings had just came back. "Y-yeah." Why was my voice so shaky?

"I was worried you - why is he here?" Lorenzo's noise wrinkled in disgust when his eyes found Seth.

Seth picked himself up mechanically. "Listen, Juli."

I turned shakily at him, "Yes?"

He looked directly at me; no more walls, no more fake faces, no more family, no more walls "Thank you."

Something broke inside my chest. I had to look away out of embarrassment "Please don't thank me."

Than I felt fingers clasp into my wrist. Lo yanked me away from Seth, "Come on Juliana."

"W-wai..." I looked back at Seth as my heels clumsily followed along Lo's pace. What does this mean? Why did he say all those things? Was it leading up to something? What was he thanking me for? Why wasn't he stopping Lorenzo from taking me away? Why wasn't I? Too many questions I had to ask Seth. Suddenly, I wished I hadn't spent the entire weekend locked in my house

Lo led me into the building but not to the dance floor where Ali must have been waiting. Instead we climbed several hallways and then into an elevator. It was surprising how large this hall was.

Suddenly, Lorenzo burst inside a room; a suite. I saw a large window, moon light pouring into the white sheets of the made bed in front of it. The music from the beginning-of-summer party were muffled in the room and barely heard

"Why are we here?" I found my voice, my nerves still shaky. Seth where do you plan on going?

Lo walked in, breathing heavily "Why are you with the guy you - we hate the most?"

I blinked "I don't hate him."

He eyes me intently

"I mean at least I don't think so," I stumbled in the dark of the room to Lo. He found me before I found him though and he wrapped his arms around me

"You're acting odd, Lo," I pointed out "You're scaring me?"

"I'm sorry Juliana," he mumbled into my hair "Every time I see that guy I get so angry. He gives off this vibe that he is going to take something precious from me."

I hesitated, pushing away from Lo "Elaborate?"

He gave me a hard look once again before looking away, sinking into the master bed behind us. I sat beside him, resting a hand on his thigh

"Lorenzo?"

"You."

"Me?"

"Juliana. You are that something precious."

I blinked.

Lo looked up at me sheepishly. The look was too familiar and fresh in my mind; the look Seth gave me not so long ago

"Seth has the ability to take you away from me in a blink of an eye. Something I have been working up for so many years, he can just have with a swipe of a pinky,"

I stared at him perplexed.

Lorenzo saw this. He took one last breath "I love you."

My mouth twitched. I have heard this before and it was just as odd as it was before. Lo has been my friend since freshmen year. Him and Ali and me; Lorenzo, Alison and Juliana; Lo, Ali and Mason. How can we be Lo and Juliana?

He read my mind and looked the other way. I hurt him clearly without even saying words. Is that what I did to Seth? Is that why he is leaving?

I took my hand back but Lo caught it quickly. He clutched it, bringing it to his chest "I knew it. I knew when I didn't have competition and I know it when I do."

"You never had competition!" I exclaimed without thinking. Seth was definitely not competition. Right?

"Really?"

"Definitely," I concluded. No, never Seth. We were never real. I felt stinging at the back of my throat. We never will be real because he wants to leave.

My thoughts were interrupted by a pair of lips meeting mine. Lo's. I kissed him back. Seth was leaving; what difference was it going to make?

The kiss grew deeper and he pushed me on my back and crawled on top of me.

We parted and Lo breathed, his hands gripping onto the hem of skirt "Are you sure?"

Seth was leaving. "Yes."

And my skirt was off. Articles of clothing were discarded and the thumping of the bass forgotten and Lo and Ali and Juliana.

Seth was leaving.

And this was some place secure.