Keeping Secrets From The Two-Faced Jerk

The moon's innocent glow blossomed through the open window where the wind came and picked at the wisps of my hair. Tears strewn my cheeks as I clutched the suite blanket to my naked body. Even though it was the beginning of summer, my body shivered and my bottom half ached.

The party had long ended and I knew I could never undo this deed. Lo was sound asleep on the King bed beside me, laying on his stomach, just as naked as I. I'm not sure he wanted to erase it as much as I.

Had he even used protection? It wasn't completely my fault. He had confessed his love for me. Seth had never expressed any form of love that wasn't an act or lie. Then I hated myself even more for comparing them.

This was entirely my love. I had used Lo's love to fuel my despair over Seth. I had betrayed our friendship to the worst point. I felt nothing for the boy beside me. And I had also betrayed Seth and our relationship? bet? deal?

More tears fell but I didn't dare let myself make any noise, for fear I'd wake Lo. If he saw I was crying out of shame, his heart would break and he would put all the guilt on him. That's just the type of person he was. My best friend!

Lo stirred, his arm gently brushing mine and a goofy smile spread on his serene sleeping face. But he did not wake.

I quickly slipped off the bed, suddenly overcome by fear if he woke. How could I face him?

I found my clothes scattered across the floor, the guilt banging on my chest and dressed while heading for the door. On the way out, I passed by a mirror but quickly turned away, afraid to see my sex-hair, makeup strewn face and dishevelled clothes. I sprinted out the door.

The better question was, how could I face myself?

_______________________

Hey Ali. It's Juliana. Um, I'm sort of going on a road trip with the er... Turners. I don't know when I'll be back. It's a last minute thing so don't be mad at me. I have some things to... sort out; with myself and with S-Seth.

I'm sorry I couldn't see you one last time in person. No, this is not farewell forever you paranoid chick. Your Fiancées here so we'll definitely have to be back. I love you. I'll miss you like crazy. Don't worry about me! Have a safe and not-so sober summer. I'll call you as soon as I can but it's sort of long distance. Tell Lo, um I'll be in touch. Okay bye! Wish me luck! Mwahh!

I hung up reluctantly, since Beth was yelling at me to hurry up. I hated her for not answering, probably still sleeping and recovering from last night's party.

Last night. What have I done?

"Juli my dear!" Beth's sing-song voice chirped again "Hurry, we're leaving now!"

I turned my phone off completely and slipped it into my bright yellow suitcase before shutting the trunk and scrambled to the open doors into the mini-van that still smelled new and rubbery. The chauffeur sat at the driver beside Mr. Turner and Beth at the two passenger seats at the front. She turned around and flashed a large motherly smile.

"Isn't this exciting, dear?"

I pulled on my best smile "Yes. Thanks again for letting me come. It means a lot."

Mr.Turner's thundering chuckle seemed to vibrate the entire van "Of course it means a lot. You kids get to miss the last two weeks of school!"

Beth slapped her husband "Oh hush! We called the school and they said it was perfectly fine, only because Juliana and Seth weren't in their seniors years yet."

I simply smiled politely at them. Last night, I had snuck out of the beautiful suite and on the adorable sound asleep Lo. But that's all I could ever think of him as; adorable. And I knew I had done a grave thing out of despair. Lo would never forgive me. Worst of all, Seth would never forgive me. So, the only rational thought in my mind was to get the fuck out of there!

Once I managed to hail a taxi home and survive the walk of shame home, I couldn't sleep. I was no longer virgin. And I had lost it for all the wrong reasons. For the wrong person.

Then, Beth called and proposed to go for a road trip and even called the school for me to inform them I was with them and not playing hookie. I was stuck and plus, I had to get away from Lo. Even if that meant being with Seth.

"What are you doing just standing there! Hop in! We have a long road to nowhere ahead of us," Beth's round voice bubbled. How blissful it must be to be so ignorant

I scrambled in, the electric door closing behind me, almost snapping the hem of the bright summer dress I had pulled on, hoping I looked more together than I felt.

Inside, were leather seats and an AC blasting. The first seat in the middle compartment was where all the food and coolers sat and the other one was where Drew hit the snooze, snoring away to my trapped feeling. The only other empty seats were the three back ones; and Seth occupied one of them on the far left, behind the food seat.

"Sit Juliana! Don't be shy now," Mr. Turner bellowed.

I gulped. The seat beside him seemed to have my name plastered all over it. Must be Beth's doing. Even though I thought seeing Seth was better than seeing Lo but I wasn't ready to face him yet. Was it too late to hop off this van and not go on this road trip?

Without a choice nor another moment to hesitate, I slid my purse and my bottom on the seat as far as possible from Seth. Luckily, his eyes were closed and appeared to be sleeping, though not snoring obnoxiously like Drew. Good luck with sleeping in the future, Ali.

The car lurched forward before I even had time to put on my seatbelt. And here comes the worst decision of my life. Oh no, second worse.

__________________________

Everyone, except for the family chauffeur who was driving, was fast asleep in less than three hours. I regretted wearing a summer dress on a road trip since it was making me too uncomfortable to feel sleepy.

I stared out my window at the endless fields while soft country music played. I hated myself as I wallowed in my never-ending guilt and regret of coming on this trip. Lo was my best friend and I clearly knew his feelings but I still went though with it. I used him!

What was worst, I wasted my virginity, my first time, for all the wrong reasons. Isn't the first time suppose to be special with the one you love? Not that I knew what love was.

I instinctively glanced over at Seth beside me. And he was staring right at me. I jumped and almost screamed. His eyes were piercing and emotionless and impossible to read, as usual. I wonder if he could see right through me, see my disgusting mistake. What have I done? I ruined myself, my relationship with Lo and somehow relationship with Seth. Not that we were a real couple anyways.

Finally, I cracked underneath his gaze and the intimidating silence.

"Y-yes?" my voice sounded hoarse.

There was a pause and then his face split into a yawn that was undeniably adorable. Lo was adorable last night. Oh no.

"Did you make it home last night okay?" he asked, his tone still difficult to read

"Why do you ask?" I immediately broke into a cold sweat. Could he know? Did Lo already tell Ali or his other friends who blabbed to the entire school population, including my 'boyfriend' Seth? It wasn't hard to imagine; Lo was probably furious at me for running out on him.

Suddenly I felt worse than the guilt I felt before. I felt like a whore.

"Juliana," Seth rubbed his neck casually, lifting his ruffled hair off the window. I held my breath, preparing myself for Seth's outbreak. I was positive he found out. How would he react? He's calm now but he may blow up. What would he say? How would his opinion of me change? I was crushed at the thought of Seth being as disgusted or disappointed of me as I was of myself.

"I feel really bad just leaving you with Lo like that. I should have taken you away and not let Lo take you like that. I really hate how we ended that night," I was hanging onto his every word and did not hear any anger. He was genuinely sorry.

Here I was, having done the most dishonourable thing to him and Seth was apologizing. I really was a pathetic whore. I wanted to cry; something I swore I wouldn't ever do again after I felt Lo last night.

I hugged my legs, resting my cheek on my knees. I muttered weakly "You shouldn't be sorry."

"But Juliana," his eyes looked so innocent, I turned away, looking out the window instead but I still heard him "What I said last night about changing myself was true. I'm ready to do it, all thanks to you. But I'm sorry I dragged you into all this, with the bet and our deal."

He didn't know! Yet I felt more sick than before. I wanted to shrink into this corner. I wanted to crawl into a whole and bury myself alive. This van felt too small and claustrophobic. Oh God, why did I decide to come with the Turners. Why did I loose my virginity over despair for this jerk? He was sorry for ever meeting me.

"Okay," I managed without breaking down into sobs like I expected. I just wanted him to shut up. I wanted him to go to the other side of the earth, as far away from me as possible. I wanted my virginity back. I wanted Lo back as my best friend.

"You're mad," he said and I heard the frustration in his voice, clean and clear. I could almost see him running his hand through his hair but I didn't turn around

"Not at you,"

"Then who then?" His hand rested on my shoulder. As much as I didn't want to, I shrugged it off.

"At me," I confessed. The fields on the other side of the window started swirling so I squeezed my eyes shut. The country music playing from the radio at the front didn't sound so peaceful anymore

"Why?"

I single tear dared slip from each eye and I was thankful Seth didn't see me right now. My body continued to buzz and ache, reminding me of what happened last night. I thought it was suppose to feel good. When does it start to feel good?

"Seth, it doesn't matter. Go back to sleep," my voice was so stable, I even surprised myself.

"It does, Juli," he insisted. Juli, his nickname for me, the one he gave me teasingly. I bit back sobs, careful not to make a noise

"You never told your mom about us," I said, averting the question

"Yeah, sorry. I kind of lied. Shocker, right? But you know how she is," he gave a low chuckled but it held no humour

"You never should of brought me to see your family in the first place then," I said dryly

"I'm sorry I got you into my family drama again. You didn't have to come on this road trip though," he ignored my comment

"But you know how she is," I repeated what he said. "Just go back to sleep." So I could cry without interruption

"Okay, now stop averting the question. Why are you mad at yourself?"

I knew Seth was going to be stubborn, so I gave in.

"Because I'm a slut. Now go back to sleep."