Reduced To Nothing

Caris stood at the edge of the beach, water licking at her toes. A frown laced her face, pulling her features down.

*

Caris sat on her bed, huddled against Hayden. He was watching her expression carefully. She had been in a terrible mood all day, and Hayden was intent on defrosting her. She turned her right wrist over and sighed at the scars crisscrossing her wrist. She stroked one then turned her face away in disgust. He knew how much they annoyed Caris, made her sick.

"How could you possibly be around me, knowing that they were there?" Caris asked him.

"I love them. They show that you survived the pain that was always there They're your war scars."

"They're my selfishness scars, my attention scars. There's nothing selfish or attention-seeking about fighting a war." She retorted.

"And that is exactly why I call them war scars. Because you weren't being selfish, or attention-seeking. You were finding a way out of something brought on by me, and my blindness. They're a part of what makes you, you. And I wouldn't want you any other way." He said, his voice taking on a strong tone.
Caris frowned at him, and he noticed that her eyes were glazing over and starting to take on a sparkle around the edges.

"No. No, no, no. They're signs of weakness, they're horrible. They're dirty little secrets, each and every one of them. I can't get rid of them."

"Caris, scars fade." Hayden whispered to her, choking slightly. He hated seeing her like this.

"Scars fade faster than the memories that put them there." She said back to him. She put a determined look on her face, and Hayden couldn't work out whether she was determined to out argue him, or keep the tears falling. Hayden grabbed her wrist, and pulled it up. Caris let out a little squeak at the sudden movement. She suddenly expected him to snap at her, and tell her that he was sick of her drama. Instead, he brought her wrist to his lips and began to kiss every one of her scars. Caris shuddered, and the tears fell.

"I love you. Every part of you." He whispered into her wrist, before looking into her eyes. Caris was so unsure of what to feel, she couldn't even reply, but instead, she leant forward and put her head to his shoulder.

"I couldn't live without you." He whispered into her head. She nodded against his shoulder, and he caught the scent of her hair in the motion.

"I love you too, Hayden."

*

Caris didn't really get along with her memories. That was one way to put it. She didn't like thinking about the past, or how she let go of one of the best men she had ever met was another. She figured the best way to put a memory to rest was to put on her running shoes, and go for a long, lengthy run until she had thought about it continuously and over-analysed everything in the situation, that way, she didn't need to think about it again, unless she was trying to remember it. She knew that this probably wasn't the healthiest of habits, but it didn't stop her. It kept her fit too, because every time she thought about the past (which was quite often), she'd just go out and wear the memory thin through over-thinking it. She didn't think much about her rocky year eight, or her relationship with Hayden because of this.

Hayden, however, thought about it as much as possible. While he tried to analyse what happened, he didn't put the memory to the back of his head. He tried to think about them often, he was scared of them fading, then not being able to remember anything from the best part of his life so far. It scared him to think that he wouldn't remember Caris in her best, or be able to admire what she was in her worst. The hardest part of this was that he knew that he let her walk away; knowing that he could have tried to make her stay, begged. But he didn't. And he had to live with that.

*

Caris was lying on her bed, her head hanging off the side. She was on the phone to Andrew, not really speaking. The silence was comfortable between the pair, easy. Every so often, Andrew would snort and read out an excerpt of whatever it was that was so hilarious to him. Caris would roll her eyes and call him an idiot and explain why it was completely vapid and unintelligent. He'd laugh and call her a nerd.

"Andrew, how much do you love Maddy?" She asked abruptly, having been thinking about the pair together.

"Uh, well, a lot. She's basically all I think about, and I couldn't ever let her walk away from me without putting up a fight. She's my life now. Why?" Andrew answered, confused at her question.

"Oh, I was just thinking. I mean, you guys are like cemented together. It's kind of like watching magnets. The way you two move is like it's been made to look like that. It's strange, and kind of fascinating. I don't think I've ever really seen anything like it." She responded thoughtfully.

"That's what you and Hayden were like. I'd always watch you guys, and you would walk and move in perfect sync, right? Like you had been programmed to do it. It always creeped me out, but Mads would watch it, and be like, 'that's real love,' then she'd laugh and say, 'and look, they don't even know they're doing it'. But I agree. It's hard to look away from." Andrew replied carefully.

"Huh. Funny how that happens, isn't it?" She said.

"Mm." Andrew agreed.

Caris looked out of the window, and watched the waves break against each other, splashing and dying in perfect time to let the next through to do the same thing over again. She understood why it was important for the water to do this, and she began thinking about boxing day 2008, and how much fun her and Hayden had together.

"Andrew, I'll have to call you back." She said, before hanging up.

She sighed and put her runners on before marching out of the door.