Misery Loves Me

Days pass by like an endless dream. Only it’s not a real dream. I’d call it a nightmare by lack of words. Because it’s not as great as a dream, it’s far from actually. But it’s not as bad as a nightmare either. It’s just, something in between. Days pass by like I’m only half a part of it. I’m living my routine life. For a small time, I thought Gerard and Mikey could help me. But now, I’m not so sure anymore. Sure, they care, they talk to me, they ask me to come over. But I’m like I’ve always been. Shallow, depressed and miserable. I know Mikey and Gerard don’t like to see me like that, I know! And I know that they thought it would be easier, I know! And I know they thought I’d begin to smile, especially after that first one, I know! And I know they want to make me talk, I KNOW! I fucking know it all. But I can’t help myself, can I?

I’m numb again. I don’t know why. Maybe the feelings were too much for me to bear. Too much new things in such a short period of time. It was too much.

There’s two important things different in my life. First one’s obviously the Way brothers. And because of them, the beatings are less frequent. The second one is music. Since Gerard let me hear some of his music, I’m addicted to it. Mikey gave me his old Mp3 player. Of course I first refused to take it. It’s his and he shouldn’t waste it on me. But after spending some time to convince me, I let him lend it to me. It didn’t need it, and I loved it. You could never see me anywhere without the little thing. Gerard and Mikey introduces me to a new kind of music. Until then I had only heard some pop music that I didn’t like but heard in random places, and the music I made on my own guitar. Now I cover almost all songs I love listening to and come up with my own riffs. Rock. That’s the style of music I came to love. Rock. And of course all that comes with it: punk, metal, screamo, sometimes some poprock or powerpunk. I love it. But it strengthens the feeling of living in some weird-ass awful dream.

And time goes on, and on, and on, and on.

Before I know it, it’s already 2 months ago since Mikey and Gerard moved here. 2 Months minus a bit since the time that I first smiled since ages. And 2 months minus a bit more since I’ve stopped feeling once more. But there has been some progress these two months. I don’t feel awkward anymore around Mikey and Gerard when they’re talking, and I know what they’re talking about most of the time. I believe they somehow care about me. I’ve even met their parents! Not for long, because I don’t feel like interrupting their family time, but they didn’t told Mikey and Gerard not to spend time with me anymore, like I thought they would. Overall, it may not have been two happy-go-lucky months, but in my life, they definitely are in the top 5.

At this very moment I’m making my homework while Gerard is helping Mikey with his Maths homework. I’d like to do that, but it’s kinda hard because I still don’t talk. Sometimes I do it nevertheless, but working with written instructions is not only confusing, but also takes more time. So when Gerard’s around, he takes the task of helping Mikey.

When I’m done with my homework, I grab a comic from the big collection Mikey owns, and begin reading. I’ll wait until Mikey finished his homework and then we’ll do something different. Watch a movie of play a video game or something like that.

--

“OH MY SWEET HOLY JESUS!!” I jump a bit, and look at Mikey, who made the sudden noise in the first quiet room. “I’m fucking done, you motherfuckers!” He exclaims, throwing his arms in the air for the effect.

“Well, it was about time,” I hear Gerard say, and when I look at him I see him wearing that little smirk I knew he would wear by this time. It was weird, but I usually liked to watch Gerard smile. There was something addictive to it, and it made me feel a bit better, especially when I was the one who caused it.

“Oh, suck it. Don’t go all “oh I’m so smart and done with my homework for ages!” on me. I know for a fact that you finished yours just five minutes ago. Frank should be the one complaining, and he isn’t. Follow his example, can you?” Mikey mocked his brother. It would seem like he was really irritated by his big brother, but I know for a fact that he isn’t, they’re like this all the time.

“Yeah, yeah… I get it. Let’s do something fun!”

“What about going to the park? The weather is beautiful and we’ve only been there once.” Oh no, I don’t like anything in public. When I think of it, I may not be totally numb nowadays. I kinda care where I go and what I do now. I think Gerard saw my horrified expression because he wrapped an arm around my shoulders.

“Hey Frank, don’t worry. We will be there. And there will be only some kids and their parents.” Is it weird that I always feel much better with his arm around me? I guess not, I mean, I need some comfort and he gives it to me. I nod a bit, and Gerard drops his arm from my shoulder. We walk to the park together while Gerard and Mikey are having a bit of a conversation about the weather and how their former home looked in the summer. They laugh at their early childhood memories.

“Remember Gerard? When you had dressed up in that little fairy dress?” Mikey says laughing at a blushing Gerard.

“Mikeeey!” He groans. “Do you have to embarrass me in front of our one and only best friend?”

“Yeah, I have to.” Mikey answers evilly. “Well, the dress was from the daughter of our neighbors, who were good friends with our parents. Gerard saw it and wanted to try it on. Then he skipped across the street to our house to use our mom’s make-up. Then he skipped back to show our parents. You had to see them! They were laughing so hard, and little Gerard didn’t get why and started crying. But when they say they liked it, he was happy again and skipped through the garden for the whole day.” Mikey managed to say while he was cracking up and trying to get Gerard’s hands away from his mouth.

“MIKEY!” Gerard shouted, “Prepare for sweet revenge!” Mikey laughed at him with the devilish glint still in his eyes.

“Yeah, I’m so scared,” He said obviously being sarcastic.

“You should be.”

--

Gerard was right, at the park there were only little children playing and their parents watching over them, playing with them and chatting to eachother. The park was my favorite public place to be. Even if it’s public, it still got some private places. And it’s beautiful. Especially in the spring with all his flowers and blossoms. At a spot we like we sit down. The sun is shining and the grass tickles a bit on my skin. I suddenly remember how great it is to sit outside at times like this. I hate myself for not being able to enjoy this to the fullest. Dear God, what have I done so terribly wrong to deserve this?