Misery Loves Me

Gerard drove me home after finishing the most amazing dinner I’ve ever had. It wasn’t only the food that made it great, it was the whole social thing too. I’ve always eaten my dinner alone, or with two moody parents when I was young. Sometimes, with a family dinner, there’d be more people, but never did anyone say something nice to me, or they were immediately shut up by my parents. Never was there the pleasant, friendly atmosphere I experienced at the Ways. Never did I feel so welcome.

Now I’m quickly making my homework for tomorrow. I’m planning on going to bed on time, because I know I won’t be able to sleep in before I’ve thought over all the events of today. I can keep them locked away as long as I’ve other things on my mind, but the moment I lay down in bed they’ll terrorize my mind and not stop until I either figure them out or pass out from tiredness. And I rather want it to be the first option.

When I’ve completely finished my homework (yes, I’m still a nerd like that) I quickly brush my teeth, change and step in bed. And just like I thought, the moment my head hits the pillow is the moment the terrorizing begins.
Are Gerard an Mikey right, and is it my parents fault I’m so miserable? Are my parents wrong by telling me what they told me? Are they lying when they say I’m a fuck up? Am I always threatened the wrong way?
But why would they do that if I wasn’t a fuck up?
They said it was because my parents wanted me to be someone else.
But why can’t I be like my sister? Like the son they’ve always wanted?
They said nobody could replace a dead child. Gerard said that no matter how alike you are, you can’t replace someone else in ones heart.
That does sounds believable. But why did all the people at school bully me? Why did they call me names? It can’t be because I couldn’t replace someone, because there wasn’t anybody to replace. There has to be something wrong with me, otherwise I’d have had some friends.
But Gerard and Mikey are my friends, right?
Why never before then? It must have had something to do with me!
I try to think back to my first years at school. I already believed I was a fuck up back then. I remember sitting in the corner of the playground watching the other children play, while all I could think about was why my parents didn’t give me a goodbye kiss when they brought me to school. I remember looking up scared when some boy came to me and asked if I wanted to play hide and seek with them. I remember being too shy to take part of the games they were playing. But that was all because they didn’t actually want me to play with them, right? After the first 2 years, I only remember being bullied. That was when they found out how much of a monster I am. I tried to save them from me, by not befriending them. They couldn’t like me anyway. What would Gerard say about this? Would he agree with me on this? Would he finally believe that there really is something wrong with me?

You didn’t give yourself a chance. You thought they wouldn’t like you, and therefore they didn’t like you. It’s a self-fulfilling prophecy. Woha, what did Gerard’s voice in my head? Is this what Gerard would say? Did I already know that? “You didn’t give yourself a chance.” Is that true? It’s true that I never really tried my best to get friends. I always thought they would leave me anyway. I never thought I’d be worth it to be their friend. The only reason Mikey and Gerard are my friends is because they kept pushing me to accept it. Was it a self-fulfilling prophecy then? Were it my own thoughts that kept me from having friends? Was being an easy target the only reason for them to bully me? I guess it does make sort of sense. Then it had something to do with me, only not the way I thought. But I’m still the one to blame, so it doesn’t make that much of a difference. Now I feel sad again, but understanding what’s going on has put my brain to rest, so I can sleep in easily.

--

When I get to my locker, Mikey and Gerard are already there waiting for me.

“Hi, Frank!” Mikey says while hugging me hello. When he releases me from his hug, I’m immediately trapped in another pair of arms when Gerard greets me too.

“Hey Frank! Slept well?” I nod a bit, and start putting books in my locker. I think Gerard or Mikey want to bring up yesterdays conversation, but don’t know how to. I’m glad they don’t, I don’t really want to talk about it. When I turn around, I see them do the brotherly thingy, when they have a whole conversation by just looking each others in the eyes. I don’t want to interrupt whatever they’re ‘saying’ so I just stand there waiting until they’re done. Some time ago, I’d feel so unwanted and walk away, thinking I was just an annoying interruption. Now I know that when I would walk away, Mikey and Gee would feel offended, they don’t want me to walk away. They want me with them. I know this, I don’t quite understand it yet, but I think that time will come.

“Hey Frank, do you want to go shopping after school?” Shopping? What should a shop for? How can I buy things? I mean, I haven’t got any money, and my parents are surely not going to give me any. I get my, I’ve finally really accepted the gift, so I don’t call it Mikey’s anymore, notebook and pen.
“What do I have to buy? And I don’t have any money.” I show it them, and they both grin at me.

“We got a surprise for you,” Gerard says, while handing the notebook back to me, “just come with us?” I nod, if they want so. What would be the surprise? They’re already too good for me.

“Fuck surprises, I’m bad at keeping them a surprise.” Mikey says, almost bouncing up and down from excitement. How excited can a guy be for a surprise for someone else? “Our parents like you a lot, and they thought you could use some new clothes, not that they’re pitying you, but they wanted to give you a surprise because you’re so nice, and they asked us if you’d like some clothes, and we said we did, not that we didn’t like you clothes, well, actually, I don’t really like them so much, but-“

“MIKEY! Stop rambling, jeez!” Gerard interrupts his brother, laughing. “Since Mikey already told you Frank: We got some money from our parents to buy you new clothes. See it as a early Christmas present!” I know you’re supposed to get presents with Christmas, but I can’t remember the last time I got one. But can I accept this? Why would their parents want to spend money on me? I’m sure that they’ve got better things to spend their money on.

“Stop thinking you’re not worth it, Frank! I told you: see it as a Christmas present! And to be honest, you really need some new clothes, don’t you want some?” I have to agree, I hate my clothes. It would be really awesome to have some new, some I can choose myself. Not old ones from relatives that donates the clothes to my mother. Or old ones from my dad that he doesn’t wear anymore. So I nod. I’ll have to find a way to pay them back, it doesn’t have to be paid back with money, just something.

“Okay! That’s settled then! We’ll go to the mall after school!” Mikey exclaims, just when the bell rings.

“See you at break!” Gerard says before hugging us quickly and heading to his first lesson, art. Me and Mikey have Chemistry the first period. It’s quite boring, but I try to listen to the teacher anyways. Mikey’s making it hard, though.

“Oh, Frank! I want school to end already, I love shopping!” He squeaks, sounding a bit like a girl. It’s actually pretty funny.

“Mikey, you sound like a girl.”

“Oh, I do not!” He says offended. Oh shit. I shouldn’t have done that, I’m in no position to insult him like this. I look down at my desk, and try to become invisible. I fail.

“Frank? What’s wrong?” Mikey sounds concerned. Only Mikey and Gerard are concerned about me at times. I’ve learned that some while ago. First I didn’t understand the concerned glances or tone in their voice. Now I do. “You didn’t do any wrong you know? I mean, Gerard always says I sound like a girl too.” So, I did have the right to call him that? “When me or Gerard react like that, to something you say, it’s a bit playful or something. Just like when you said I sound like a girl. You didn’t mean it in a bad way did you?” I nod. “See? This is the same. I wish you’d feel really at peace around us. Don’t hide yourself, just try to have some fun.” I glance at Mikey and nod. When he sees I’m sort of okay, Mikey’s face lights up again, and his squealing about shopping continues for the rest of the lesson. I almost smile at him, almost