Misery Loves Me

That night, I dream about people getting ripped apart, cut open and burnt to dead. But strangely, I’m not scared at all. Even when a strange clown, who doesn’t looks exactly like the saw doll, shows me my parents, screaming from pain, being slowly penetrated by sharp arrows, bleeding to dead. I’m giving the chance to save them, but to do that I’ve to do something even more painful. Before I get to decide whether I’ll save them or not, Gerard show up and takes my hand. “Nothing to do here.” When I follow him the room changes and suddenly we’re at a kind of playground. There’s Ray, the guy from my Biology class, sitting on a swing. “Hey Frank! You wanna sit down, too?” Then I realize the other two swings are already occupied by Gerard and Mikey, leaving nowhere for me to sit. “Come, you can sit on my lap.” I make myself comfortable on Gerard’s lap, watching the others talk and laugh, while swinging. We get higher and higher, until we leave the swings and just float on our own. For a moment I feel scared, until Gerard hugs me securely from behind. “Look at the beautiful clouds!”

--

When I wake up I barely remember anything of the dream, only that Ray was there too. I really should be nice to him, maybe we’ll grow to be friends. I’m walking to my biology class when I see him again, he waves and moves to walk beside me.

“Hi Frank, how are you?” He says grinning widely. I guess he’s great, telling by his smile. I decide it’d be too much struggle to get my notebook now, so I just smile a bit, and give him a thumbs up. I still feel nervous about the whole ‘talk to other people than Gerard and Mikey’-thing.

“That’s great! You know, yesterday, I learned to play zero by the Smashing Pumpkins on my guitar.” I didn’t know he played guitar too? That’s awesome! I grin at him, now a bit wider. We walk into the classroom, and to my surprise, Ray picks the seat next to me. Until now, I always sat alone when Mikey wasn’t in my class.

”I didn’t know you played guitar! I play too!” I write to him when I’ve grabbed my notebook.

“That’s awesome! We totally should jam together some time!” This makes us start talking about different songs, guitar brands, guitarists, etc. I feel less tense than I had originally thought, and find it quite easy to talk to Ray.

”Do you know the band The Blackout? They’re great!” I write, remembering the last band I’m getting addicted to.

“I’ve heard from them, but never listened, do you have their songs on your iPod or something?” I nod and take my mp3-player out of my pocket and pass one earbud to Ray. I search for a song I want to let Ray listen to. The first impression is the most important, I decide. It’ll be always the song you’ll think of when you hear the band. So I must make a good choice. Finally I see the song ‘You’re Not Alone’, and decide this is the best first song. It always makes me feel warm and nice inside. It’s one of the songs I listen to when I’m feeling like I’m not worth anything, when I think this is too good to be true, the times when I think the Way brothers are gonna get fed up with me, the times I feel truly alone.

I look at Ray’s face when he listens to the song. I feel a bit nervous about what he’ll think of it. It may sound weird, but I’m gonna feel like I’ve failed when he thinks this is crap. But luckily his first concentrated face slowly begins to show signs of appreciation. When the song ends, he turns to me and grins.

“They’re awesome! It’s a shame I’ve never listened to them before… Thanks Frank!” I grin at him, and we waste the rest of class listening to random music.

--

Mikey and Gerard are trying to get me to ask Ray to sit with us at lunch. I don’t care what they say, I know he wouldn’t want to sit with me. Yeah, we have talked in Biology class, yeah, he seems nice, but that doesn’t mean he wants to sit with me! He has this other friend, who he can spend his break with. And obviously, he doesn’t want to be associated with me. I mean, who would? Besides the Way brothers, that is. But they were already associated with me before they could see how dangerous it was. Now their reputation is almost as bad as mine.

“Look Frank, you came over your fear of talking to other people and talked to Ray, he talked back, and you had fun. Maybe he’s even expecting you to invite him to sit with us at lunch!” Mikey tells me, while Gerard is nodding along with him. Would he be really expecting it? I don’t think so, but again, what do I know about being social?

“But what about his other friend?”

“Say he can also join us. It’s not like you’ve to be cool or something to sit here. We’re an open group of friends!” Mikey exclaims while spreading his arms dramatically. I giggle, but still don’t agree with him.

“He wouldn’t want to sit with me, I don’t think he’ll like me.” When Mikey reads it he sighs and looks kind of disappointed. I don’t want him to feel bad, why do I keep being around them when I make them sad or disappointed?

“Hey, don’t think that bad over yourself. Ray liked you, right? Why wouldn’t his friend like you too?” This is Gerard talking, he moves over so he sits right beside me and puts his arm around me. “And not only Ray likes you, we like you too! We’re not that weird that only we would like you, right?” He pulls me a little closer, and I feel his body warmth spread through my body, if that even makes sense. I nod, but when Gerard moves to take his arm away, I make a sudden move and grab his hand, making his arm stay in the same position. I’m startled by my own reaction, quickly take my hand from his and hide my face, now burning and surely red, behind my bangs. Gerard doesn’t say anything, just keeps his arm around my shoulder and gives my shoulder a reassuring squeeze. I’m half glad I did that and half embarrassed, because seriously, why the fuck did I just do that?

--

I spent the afternoon at the Way’s, but before I went home before dinner. Donna always invites me to stay, but I don’t want to keep invading their family life. I’m not a part of their family, no matter how much time I spend there these days. Now I’m teaching myself to play ‘Hope’ by the Blackout on my guitar. I’d really like it if Ray and I did jam sometime together. Maybe I should just invite him some time… That would hopefully make Mikey and Gerard proud too. Or I could invite them all and have a big jam session. I don’t know if Gerard plays an instrument, but I know Mikey likes to play the bass sometimes. And if Mikey and Gerard are with me, I’ll be less awkward and nervous. I like Ray, but he isn’t them.

I quickly eat my microwave-meal and decide to make some homework before I go to bed. Lately, the amount of time I spend on schoolwork has dropped dramatically, due to the social life I’m suddenly developing. But I like it this way, and I still get good grades, just not as great as before. The teachers didn’t even notice that my grades dropped slightly, not that I expected them to, but still. They do notice me more than before. They called my name a couple of time, when I was passing notes with Mikey, which they never did before. The way they pronounced my name was prove of the lack of experience, some teachers even called me “Lero”!

I’m mindlessly doodling on the space where my homework should be, I didn’t used to do that. But now it seems so normal to just draw little stick figures all over the page. I give all the stick figures an instrument to play, so they form a kind of band. I think I’m actually looking forwards to jamming with Ray.

--

The moment I wake up, I begin to doubt my plan to jam with Ray. Maybe he just said he wanted to jam to be nice, not to really jam with me. Or maybe he plays nice, but really isn’t and is just looking for a new way to fuck me up. Or maybe he meant it the moment he said it, but regrets it already. Overall, it seems like a bad idea to me to invite him already. I’ll at least wait a bit more. And I really should talk it over with Mikey and Gerard first. Because no way my parents would be okay with me inviting friends at my house! So I have to invite him to come to the Way’s. Or he should invite me first, to come to his place. I don’t think I’d like that, I don’t know his family, or house. That’s just too much new.

--

“I think it’s a great plan! I’ll grab my bass, and I’ve got an spare amplifier Ray can use!” Mikey says excited before adding: “And Gerard can sing!” Does Gerard sing? I didn’t know, but I’m sure he’s great: he even got a beautiful voice when talking, imagine singing!

“Uhm, Mikey, I don’t think so,” Gerard says awkwardly, and I think I see his normally pale skin turn a bit rosier.

“Why not? You like singing, I hear you in the shower. And you don’t play anything else.” Mikey argues. I’m with Mikey, but just because I want to hear Gerard’s singing voice. I’m really curious, sue me!

“Yes, I sing in the shower Mikey, but I’m not singing in front of other people! Just… No.” Gerard seems to feel slightly awkward with this singing thing, which I find weird. I’ve never really seen him feeling awkward. I was always the awkward one, Mikey and Gerard the comfortable. I feel bad for making Gerard feel like this, but I really want to hear him sing.

“Please, Gerard? You will never know if you can sing when you never do it...” I show Gerard the notebook and firstly, he seems to give in, but at the last moment, he still shakes his head.

“I rather not make a fool out of myself in front of people I barely know,” He says, referring to Ray.

“I rather do not interact with people I barely know. So can we make a deal? I invite Ray, you sing.” I don’t know where the confidence came from, but apparently I have enough of it to challenge someone else like this. I look up at him, try to look convincing and smile slightly. “Please?” I add. Gerard seems convinced and nods.

“I’m gonna regret this, but okay,” he pulls me into a hug. “But only for you, because I’m proud of you for making new friends.” I smile and hug him back. It’s amazing how good it can feel to make someone proud. I feel all warm and nice inside, and it’s only strengthened by the feeling of Gerard close to me.