Misery Loves Me

I’m home. I’m still really confused. Why does Mikey think I’m a nice person? I know I’m not. If I were, they wouldn’t treat me the way they do, right? But if so, why would Mikey be so nice? I decide I’m gonna do my homework.

--

My homework is done. I start playing the guitar. This is the only time of the day I let myself feel. I ignore the pain inside me the most of the day. But when I play the guitar, I let it all out.

--

I’m thinking again. Just sitting on my bed, thinking. Normally, I don’t have this many thoughts. Normally, the thoughts I have hurt too bad to think about. But this isn’t normally. They are nice to me. Why?

--

I’ve forced myself to eat. Now I’m in my bed, trying to sleep. I can’t. Not because of the pain this time. Actually, the pain I constantly feel inside seems less today. It’s because of the thoughts. Why?

--

I wake up at the sound of my alarm. I don’t want to get up. I have to. School’s better than laying in bed, trying not to think, and failing. School means distraction. And maybe finding out why.

--

Mikey walks in. He smiles and waves at me. People shoot him weird looks. I don’t smile or wave back. He sits down next to me. I look at him. Maybe he doesn’t like me at all. Maybe he’s just pretending. I look in his eyes. I miss something there. Something everyone has in their eyes when they look at me. Disgust and hatred.

--

I wrote my question again. “Why are you being nice to me?”
“Didn’t you believe me yesterday? I think you’re a nice person,” He states smiling. I haven’t responded to someone for years. I do it this time.
“Why do you think I’m nice? I’m disgusting” He looks at me with a weird expression. Worry?
“You’re not! Who told you that?” I search his eyes for a hint of lies. I can’t find it.
“Everyone” I write back. I look back at my school books.
“They’re just some dicks,” He tells me. “Don’t listen to them.” How can I not? I try to block them out. But the truth hurts.

--

They’re yelling at me again. I’m beginning to doubt whether I deserve all this. Mikey says I don’t. But Mikey’s only one person. They’re countless.

--

Mikey has brought me to his table again. He keeps saying I don’t deserve this. He keeps saying I should think better of myself. I can’t. He tells me to look at the bright side of life.
“What do you mean?” Which bright side of my life? I’m a total hopeless failure.
“You’re currently not beaten up, or yelled at. You’re sitting here with me and my brother. We think you’re a nice person. You’re not living in a war. You’ve enough food to eat when you’re hungry. You’re smart. You’re getting great notes. And go so on!” He smiles. He always smiles. And he has a point. But I still find it quit hard to believe.

--

I walk out of the last class. Mikey has talked a lot to me. He and Gerard has saved me from beatings. Mikey’s walking next to me. When we’re about to go separate ways he speaks up again.
“Well Frank, I know you don’t believe it. But I’m gonna make you smile one day. I’ll help you, just let me.” I stare at him with a blank look. He smiles back. Then he does something I never thought someone would do to me. He hugged me goodbye.